Kripke: Gentlemen, we are in hell.
Bert: Really? Everyone's being so nice to each other.
Mailman: Hi!
Stuart: Yeah, they have devices implanted in their necks to make them nice.
Bert: Would you rather push the button on the Sheldon/Leonard thingy and try another universe?
Kripke: No, thanks. We could wind up somewhere worse.
Bert: Like where humans are a meat source for a highly evolved wizard people?
Kripke: Yeah, like that.
Bert: Or one where everyone's French, but no one speaks French.

Bert: You know, in another universe, I worked in this building.
Ramona Nowitzki: Really? In what department?
Bert: Geology.
Ramona Nowitzki: Oh, that's not in this building anymore.
Bert: W... Why not?
Ramona Nowitzki: They needed to make room for the important sciences.
Bert: Uh, geology is an important science.
Ramona Nowitzki: And yet they moved it into the storage room behind the gym.
Bert: [raises voice] W- W- Why would you take a field of study that examines the [voice cracking] physical structure of the planet...
[As Bert is shocked for the first time, he groans, grabs hold of the counter and falls back. Ramona Nowitzki drinks her coffee as he writhes around in pain.]
Kripke: Nice twy, Dumbo.
[Kripke is shocked and falls to the ground. He and Bert are both lying face up on the floor, wiggling around in pain]

Denise: Funny story, actually, uh, Gary was seeing my friend Lisa.
Gary: Oh, nice girl. Yeah, Jewish.
Denise: Yeah, and anyway, Lisa got eaten by cannibals in Sherman Oaks.
Stuart: Oh, no.
Denise: Mm-hmm.
Bert: Human meat isn't kosher, but I guess that only matters if the cannibals are also Jewish.

Kripke: Oh, shit.
Denise: How long do we have to stay here?
Bert: Just until we follow ourselves so that they, which is we, run to the centaur world where they become us.
Kripke: I don't understand.
Stuart: No one understands!

Stuart: Okay, I'm just gonna say it, and forgive me if it doesn't make sense. Denise, you and I are destined to be together, and I have come from a parallel universe... uh, to "claim" you.
Denise: Well, that is really something.
Gary: Mind-blowing. [Denise chuckles]
Stuart: Okay, you're... So, you're like a running joke in all this, aren't you?
Gary: Sorry?
Stuart: Uh, it's not important.

Christine Baranski: [on big screen] Not too long ago, human beings were on the verge of extinction. Violence, crime, and war were running rampant. That's when our government turned to the whiz kids in Silicon Valley and said... "Can you save us from ourselves?" [chuckling] And boy, oh, boy, did they! Well, not so much them, but the AI they built. Shortly after it turned on its creators, brutally killing them all... ...the AI implanted electronic punishment devices in everyone's brain stem. Mix that with a little aerial surveillance, and before you know it, a world free of anger, war, and insult comics. Does it work all the time? If it did, you wouldn't be here beginning your 30-month re-education process. Will that hurt? [laughs] Like a motherfucker. But when you walk out of here, you will be one happy amigo.
Stuart: We gotta escape.
Bert: How?
Stuart: I don't know, but I'll figure it out.

Stuart: I can't believe I lost the love of my life and I get you.
Bert: Let's not forget, he killed Raj.
Kripke: [chuckles] Well, now, there are two possibilities. One, the world we were just in no wonger exists, in which case I did not "kill Waj." Two, that world and this world are part of an infinite number of worlds, in which case I killed one of an infinite number of Wajs. Mathematicawy, a wounding error.