Bert: Shall we?
Stuart: [sighs] Mm, I don't know. I'm having second thoughts.
Bert: What are you talking about? We've been given a quest.
Stuart: Yeah, but, uh, do we believe that guy?
Bert: That guy was you.
Stuart: That's my point. When did we start listening to me?

Denise: What's your plan?
Stuart: No, I don't really have one. I'm kind of new to the action genre.

Stuart: Okay, I'm just gonna say it, and forgive me if it doesn't make sense. Denise, you and I are destined to be together, and I have come from a parallel universe... uh, to "claim" you.
Denise: Well, that is really something.
Gary: Mind-blowing. [Denise chuckles]
Stuart: Okay, you're... So, you're like a running joke in all this, aren't you?
Gary: Sorry?
Stuart: Uh, it's not important.

Christine Baranski: [on big screen] Not too long ago, human beings were on the verge of extinction. Violence, crime, and war were running rampant. That's when our government turned to the whiz kids in Silicon Valley and said... "Can you save us from ourselves?" [chuckling] And boy, oh, boy, did they! Well, not so much them, but the AI they built. Shortly after it turned on its creators, brutally killing them all... ...the AI implanted electronic punishment devices in everyone's brain stem. Mix that with a little aerial surveillance, and before you know it, a world free of anger, war, and insult comics. Does it work all the time? If it did, you wouldn't be here beginning your 30-month re-education process. Will that hurt? [laughs] Like a motherfucker. But when you walk out of here, you will be one happy amigo.
Stuart: We gotta escape.
Bert: How?
Stuart: I don't know, but I'll figure it out.

Traveler: You can put everything right. You can make it the way it was. You just have to find the...
Stuart: Hang on. Hang on! If you're me from another reality, how can you be in this one?
Traveler: I don't know. I'm not a quantum physicist. I went to the Rhode Island School of Design.
Bert: I didn't know that.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, I have a BFA.
Bert: Really? How come you never did anything with it?
Stuart: What am I gonna do, teach high school kids how to draw fruit?

Bert: What are you doing?
Stuart: What's it look like? I'm trying to get us to Caltech.
Bert: With a Thomas Guide?
Stuart: I would've used the GPS on my iPhone, but civilization seemed to have collapsed.

Denise: Anyway, we, um, you know, comforted each other.
Gary: The lady has skills, am I right?
Stuart: Well... To be honest, I mostly focused on my own performance.

Bert: I think I'm ready to pull the trigger on Batman 608.
Stuart: Excellent choice. What's the trade?
Bert: What would you say to a can of Lima beans?
Stuart: Oh, geez, Bert, come on! This is near mint. I could probably get a couple Dinty Moore Beef Stews for this.
Bert: Plus... cream corn.
Stuart: Meh.
Bert: Okay. I was saving it for my birthday, but I guess I'll throw it in. Fancy Feast.
Stuart: What flavor?
Bert: Salmon.
Stuart: Sold.

Traveler: Please, I don't have a lot of time. Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz. Remember them?
Stuart: Yeah, real nerds.
Bert: Pot-kettle.
Traveler: Sure.
Stuart: Fair enough.

Traveler: The point is, it altered reality. None of this is supposed to be.
Stuart: And by none of this, you mean...?
Traveler: None of it! The violence, the devastation, the dimensional rifts!
Bert: Dimensional rifts!
Stuart: Now we know.
Traveler: None of this is normal. [a giant moth hits the window of the comic book store] Certainly not that!
Bert: The big moth?
Traveler: [scoffs] Yes! Yes! The big moth!
Stuart: If you turn the lights off, they don't bother you.

Penn: Juggling two... [yelps] Juggling two starving feral creatures, as, uh, you can see, is not difficult, but... [rats squeal; Penn groans] Juggling three is... [grunts] profoundly stupid. Ow!
Bert: I saw them in Vegas. Such a fun night.
Stuart: Oh. You know who I loved in Vegas and I didn't think I would?
Bert: Huh?
Stuart: Celine Dion.
Bert: Mm.

Trevor: Uh, how much do you want for "Superman and Lex Luthor: Best Buddies Number 30"?
Stuart: "Best Buddies"? Let me see that. What the hell?
Bert: Stuart, look at this. This whole wall is Archie comics.
Stuart: What? I don't carry Archie.
Bert: You do now.
Kripke: "Wichie Wich: Effective Altruist Number 12".
Stuart: Richie Rich what?

Stuart: Give me your hand.
Denise: Why?
Stuart: I don't wanna have to find you again. [Bert gives Stuart a thumbs up]

Stuart: Oh, my God, look. Floss.
Bert: Just hurry. It's getting dark.
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuse me, uh, how much for a foot of floss?
Floss Vendor: Mint or regular?
Stuart: Uh, let me get the regular.
Floss Vendor: Oh.
[As Stuart pays for the floss with a pack of Mac and Cheese, a masked figure with a rifle observes him]
Floss Vendor: Thank you.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, look at that. Can't put a price on healthy gums.

Stuart: Anyway, uh, we gotta go.
Bert: Yeah, Caltech. We're on a quest.
Denise: There's no more Caltech. What's left of it is a death trap.
Bert: We don't have a choice.
Stuart: Yeah, an alternate version of me came from another universe and explained how I can undo the apocalypse.
Bert: It was really cool.
Denise: An alternate version of you?
Bert: Yeah, same pasty face and same whiny voice.
Stuart: It was like looking in a mirror.

Stuart: What do we do? What do we do?
Denise: Uh... Uh... Set the impedance to point seven.
Stuart: [stammers] The what?
Denise: Yeah, right here.
Stuart: Okay, uh...
Denise: Uh, disengage the attenuator.
Stuart: Okay. [stammers] Mm... [device dings] Okay.
Denise: Turn the main release.
Stuart: Done!
Denise: But first...
Stuart: "But first"? What do you mean "but first"?

Stuart: All I can tell you is that you don't have to live with this AI thing controlling you.
Denise: How?
Stuart: It's a little complicated. I've got this machine back at the store that... it... [hesitates] I- I- I- I- It...
It- You're just gonna have to trust me.
Gary: May I ask a question?
Stuart: Of course. I realize how upsetting this must be for you.
Gary: I'm not upset. Denise, are you upset?
Denise: No, of course not.
Gary: What do you want her to do?
Stuart: Well... Like I said, I want her to leave you and... and come with me.

Denise: Oh, my gosh, Gary.
Stuart: It's terrible. Just terrible. But you know what? You... you're gonna find somebody else. Maybe sooner than you think.
[Bert give Stuart a thumbs up]

Bert: I'll just get in the car.
Officer McCaffrey: Oh, thank you.
Bert: Yeah.
[As Bert gets in the back of the police car with Kripke still writhing about on the grass outside, Stuart is already in the vehicle and holds two bottles of water:]
Stuart: Sparkling or flat?

Bert: You ever wonder where this thing goes?
Stuart: Nope.
Bert: Probably smart.
Traveler: Stuart. We gotta talk.
Stuart: Shit just got weird.