Bert: Shall we?
Stuart: [sighs] Mm, I don't know. I'm having second thoughts.
Bert: What are you talking about? We've been given a quest.
Stuart: Yeah, but, uh, do we believe that guy?
Bert: That guy was you.
Stuart: That's my point. When did we start listening to me?

Denise: What's your plan?
Stuart: No, I don't really have one. I'm kind of new to the action genre.

Stuart: Okay, I'm just gonna say it, and forgive me if it doesn't make sense. Denise, you and I are destined to be together, and I have come from a parallel universe... uh, to "claim" you.
Denise: Well, that is really something.
Gary: Mind-blowing. [Denise chuckles]
Stuart: Okay, you're... So, you're like a running joke in all this, aren't you?
Gary: Sorry?
Stuart: Uh, it's not important.

Christine Baranski: [on big screen] Not too long ago, human beings were on the verge of extinction. Violence, crime, and war were running rampant. That's when our government turned to the whiz kids in Silicon Valley and said... "Can you save us from ourselves?" [chuckling] And boy, oh, boy, did they! Well, not so much them, but the AI they built. Shortly after it turned on its creators, brutally killing them all... ...the AI implanted electronic punishment devices in everyone's brain stem. Mix that with a little aerial surveillance, and before you know it, a world free of anger, war, and insult comics. Does it work all the time? If it did, you wouldn't be here beginning your 30-month re-education process. Will that hurt? [laughs] Like a motherfucker. But when you walk out of here, you will be one happy amigo.
Stuart: We gotta escape.
Bert: How?
Stuart: I don't know, but I'll figure it out.

Kripke: We gotta get out of here.
Stuart: Why? It's not such a bad world. We could chill here for a while.
Kripke: Stuart, the people here think science is evil.
Stuart: How's that different from our world?

Wil Wheaton: [voice echoes] Stuart Bloom!
Stuart: Wil Wheaton?
Wil Wheaton: Did you give blood to Bernadette Rostenkowski?
Stuart: A little. Why?
Wil Wheaton: Oh, you stupid, stupid man. The guild sanctioned her for a reason.
Kripke: Oh, yeah, the dog. [nods]
Wil Wheaton: What dog? She's a demon.
Stuart: Oh, she can be a little bitchy. I wouldn't call her a demon.

Stuart: Check this out. In a universe of magic, what are the comic books? Dr. Strange Colorectal Surgeon. It's a great story. He does a bowel resection.
Kripke: Yeah, tewwific.

Stuart: Besides, we can't leave without Bert and Denise.
Kripke: [chuckles] Bert will be fine, and you can always get a new Denise in the next universe. They're a dime a dozen.
Stuart: No, I want this one. She's got a little problem with the sauce, but so did my mom. Maybe that's why I'm finding her so attractive.

Denise: Okay, come on, everybody's dying to meet you.
Stuart: Oh, uh, help me out. Am I down-to-Earth famous, or more asshole famous?
Denise: Asshole.
Stuart: Great.

Denise: It's so beautiful here. Peaceful.
Stuart: Glad you like it, 'cause we ain't going anywhere.
Denise: You couldn't fix the machine?
Stuart: Me? Fix it? No. I come from a long line of people who call a guy.

Stuart: What are you doing?
Denise: Oh, it's okay. I'm a certified minister of the Universal Life Church.
Stuart: Which doesn't exist in this universe and is bullshit in the one it does.

Stuart: So, you think I should do it?
Denise: I didn't say that.
Stuart: Denise, I'm not a hero. I'm a broke-ass failed artist who owns a comic book store. In fact, I'm such a failure, in every universe we go to, I own a comic book store.
Denise: No argument.
Stuart: You can argue a little.

Denise: Get us out of here!
Bert: We tried. The machine is not working.
Stuart: Because you haven't been chosen to save the universe!
Kripke: Oh, and you have?
Stuart: Denise, tell 'em!
Denise: It's true! He's him!
Stuart: Think of me like Neo, or maybe Jesus.
Denise: Oh, Jesus? Really? Just push the button!

Bert: So what's the plan?
Stuart: It's simple. We break into the engineering department and steal the components. [thinking] Simple, my ass. We can't break in. And even if we could, we don't know what we're looking for. And even if we knew, we don't know how to put it together. And let's say we put it together, we don't know how to operate it. And even if we figure out how to get in, what we're looking for, how to put it together, and how to operate it, we don't know where we're going! [out loud] Any questions?
Kripke: No, I think we're good.

Stuart: Your Honors, if you'll indulge me, I think I can clear this up.
General Adams: Make it quick.
Stuart: We're not from your universe. These two gentlemen and I are from a version of reality that's even worse than this one. [Penny sighs and places down her folder] There's, uh, mutants and giant moths. You don't even wanna know. And this lovely young woman is from a universe where humanity is controlled by a globe-straddling artificial intelligence.
Denise: Not helping.
Stuart: So, what you're calling desertion, cowardice in the face of the enemy, is actually us trying to bravely restore order across all universes. [the judges are silent] [Penny shakes her head] Yeah, just shoot us. [sits down]
Kripke: Hey, that was gweat. Weawy gweat.

Traveler: You can put everything right. You can make it the way it was. You just have to find the...
Stuart: Hang on. Hang on! If you're me from another reality, how can you be in this one?
Traveler: I don't know. I'm not a quantum physicist. I went to the Rhode Island School of Design.
Bert: I didn't know that.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, I have a BFA.
Bert: Really? How come you never did anything with it?
Stuart: What am I gonna do, teach high school kids how to draw fruit?

Stuart: That was more than a cup.
Kripke: We're gonna need some backup in case your bwood doesn't do the twick.
Stuart: You're right. Hey, Alexa. Huh. Hey, Alexa.
Alexa: I was taking a dump. What do you want?
Stuart: Where would we find Sheldon Cooper?
Alexa: Searching. Sheldon Cooper is currently starring in a revival of Man of La Mancha on Broadway.
Stuart: Damn it. We'll never get him to help us.
Kripke: I saw that with, uh, John Withgow.
Stuart: Oh, he's always good.

Kyle: You're not listening to me, okay? The centrifugal force of Thor's hammer is what allows him to fly.
Trevor: But Thor is throwing it. That violates Newton's first law.
Kyle: Uh, hey. Hey, hey. Settle an argument for us. Laws of physics don't apply to Norse gods, right?
Stuart: Of course not. Thor, along with the other inhabitants of Asgard, exist outside the paradigm of the physical universe. [gasps] How do I know that?

Stuart Prime: [v.o.] "It was like any other Tuesday at Caltech. Smart people doing smart stuff. Leonard, Sheldon, and Howard constructed a Vari-state Quantum Entanglement Device. Stuart Bloom stopped by to share the news of a clean colonoscopy. In his excitement, he knocked the device off the table."
Denise: [knocks on door] [o.s.] Honey, everything all right?
Stuart: Uh, yeah, give me a minute.
Stuart Prime: "From that point on, Stuart was entangled with the fate of the universe."
Stuart: Oh, Jesus.
Denise: You need the MiraLAX?
Stuart: Uh, no, no. I'm okay.
Denise: Don't strain. Remember, that's how Elvis died.
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

Stuart Prime: [v.o.] "Messages were sent to help him, but the big dope didn't notice."
Stuart: I'm a big dope? You're a big dope.
Denise: If you need it, there's a Fleet enema under the sink.
Stuart: Great, thanks.
Stuart Prime: "So you've gotta fix it. We're going to send you more instructions, but first, you have to escape from this prison."
Stuart: "Prison"?
Bert: [echoes] "None of this is real!" [Denise knocks again]
Stuart: Coming!