Soldier #1: All kneel... for the Grand Caliph of South Pasadena, Flintridge, and Monrovia! The Supreme Ruler of the San Gabriel Valley!
Denise: I'm not kneeling for anybody!
[The guard fires a warning shot in the air. Denise gasps and they all kneel down.]
Denise: Okay, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Kripke: Hello, pwisoners.
Stuart: Kripke?
Soldier #1: Ward Kripke.
Kripke: Not Ward. "Word."
Soldier #1: What... What'd I say?
Kripke: You said "Ward," and...

Denise: But this world is a living nightmare. Don't you wanna put things right?
Kripke: Were you not wistening? I... I got all the girls. [chuckles] By the way, uh... uh, are you...you seeing anyone or...?
Stuart: She's with me.
Denise: No, I'm not.
Stuart: [in singsong] I... I'm trying to protect you.
Bert: Hmm.
Kripke: Take the wench, wash her, bring her to my woom.
Denise: [scoffs] I'd rather die!
Kripke: I understand. Wash her and kill her.

Stuart: I can't believe I lost the love of my life and I get you.
Bert: Let's not forget, he killed Raj.
Kripke: [chuckles] Well, now, there are two possibilities. One, the world we were just in no wonger exists, in which case I did not "kill Waj." Two, that world and this world are part of an infinite number of worlds, in which case I killed one of an infinite number of Wajs. Mathematicawy, a wounding error.

Kripke: Anyway, the device has torn the fabwic of weality, possibly causing the universe to cowapse and then weegwo.
Ramona Nowitzki: "Weegwo"?
Kripke: Yeah, weegwo.
Ramona Nowitzki: What is "weegwo"?
Kripke: Weegwo. Uh, uh, like a plant weegwos.
Ramona Nowitzki: Weegwo?
Kripke: Wee-gwo.
Ramona Nowitzki: "Weegwo"?
Kripke: Weegwo. You stupid, stupid-
[Kripke groans as he's zapped again. He tries to stay upright by leaning on the counter but is eventually overcome and drops to the floor.]
Bert: He has trouble with the letter "R."
Ramona Nowitzki: Oh! "Regrow." [chuckles] That makes more sense.

Penny: What about you?
Kripke: Furious, and honestly, a... a wittle turned on. [Kripke grunts as Penny slaps him again] [laughs] Yes, ma'am!

Stuart: Isn't there something that you can do?
Kripke: Can you fiwe an appeaw?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not really. I mean, there is a reversal spell that would give me my powers back, but the key ingredient is impossible to find.
Kripke: Wh... What are we talking about? Uh, saffwon? Twuffews?

Kripke: So, for example, I have cwaimed this bowl because I don't want your germs, which means this bowl is mine. My bowl.
Manu: All the bowls are the same. How do we know?
Kripke: Ah, good question. Wook here on the bottom. I have put my mark. Now, I know you're all charmingwy iwiterate but this is a wetter, the wetter "K," as in "keep your hands off Kwipke's bowl." [Alta raises her hand] Yeah?
Alta: Isn't it better if we all share everything?
Kripke: Maybe if you're a pinko communist... [chuckling] ...but I don't have to tell you how that worked out.
Alta: How did that work out?
Kripke: [hesitates] This is my bowl, don't touch my bowl.

Kripke: Now, by giving me these melons, you've established what is called cwedit, which you can weverage for future purchases.
Alta: Why not share the melons with everyone?
Kripke: Think it through. If you do that, how does anyone get wich?

Simpa: Tell me about monogamous.
Kripke: [groans] That's a wittle complicated. Um... Ah! Let's say you're fishing on a wake, and after a very wong time, you finally catch a small blue fish. You take it home, you cook it, you eat it. It's dewicious. So you decide you're only gonna eat that same stupid fish for the west of your wife, even if another fish gives you her phone number.
Simpa: What if you want to be with someone, but they're doing monogamous with someone else?
Kripke: Been there. Three choices. You can get over her, twicky without porn. You can convince her to cheat on the other guy, but for that, you weawy need a car with tinted windows. And finawy, you figure out a way to get wid of the other guy.
Simpa: Like send him on a journey?
Kripke: Yeah, or maybe he, uh, falls off a cwiff. Happens.

Kripke: What's happening?
Stuart: You gotta try this.
Kripke: You're kidding?
Stuart: Just try it.
Kripke: [eats] This is the best damn thing I've ever put in my mouth... [with rhotacism] ...and I've put some cwazy shit in my mouth.

Kripke: We don't wanna stay in Cowtown.
Denise: Why not?
Bert: We did pretty good in those other universes.
Kripke: I had sex in three out of five of them, and granted, one was with Gary, but he's a very genewous wover.

Denise: What kind of universe is this?
Kripke: I don't think we made it to another universe. I think we're stuck between universes.
Denise: What exists between universes?
Kripke: Best guess? Sort of an interdimensional taint? Think of it like being stuck between the balls of one universe and the asshole of another.
Denise: You're disgusting!

Stuart: Now, the instructions that came with the device are a message from whoever's trying to help me.
Kripke: [thinking] Wook at me, PhD from Stanford, and I'm taking orders from a guy who wuns a comic book store.
Stuart: You wanna be in charge, Kripke?
Kripke: [out loud] No, you're doing fine. [thinking] I'll just wait for you to fail, then make fun of you.
Stuart: Thank you. [Kripke nods his head]

Denise: Does Mr. Asshole possibly also go by Howard Wolowitz?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Who?
Kripke: He's an engineer, wooks wike a garden gnome with a Beatles haircut.

Kripke: So, where is this other machine, oh, gwowious weader?
Stuart: Can you not be an asshole for, like, a minute?
Kripke: I'd wike to, but, uh, it's kind of my brand.

Stuart: With all due respect, my liege, how is it that you're the... the grand...
Kripke: Cawiph.
Stuart: Caliph of South Pasadena?
Kripke: [sighs] I suppose we have time for a wittle backstory. Uh, I apologize. You guys have heard this before. Uh, when everything went screwy and civilization as we know it cowapsed, a vacuum of weadership was created here at the university, and as we all know...
Bert: [hesitates] Nature abhors a vacuum?
Kripke: Wight-o. So, I seized power, got all the food, the guns, and the girls. Yeah, end of backstory.

Kripke: [with rhotacism] Welcome back, neighbow.
Stuart: Kripke?
Kripke: Guilty as charged.
Stuart: We're neighbors?
Kripke: I wike to think we're a wittwe more than neighbows. I held your son at his bwis. [snaps garden shears]
Stuart: We're Jewish?

Chana: Would you like to come back to our village?
Simpa: We have food and places to rest.
Chana: Water to bathe in, companions to sleep with.
Kripke: Hang on. Question. [with rhotacism] When you say "sweep with," do you mean sex?
Chana: Of course.
Kripke: Daddy's home.

Bert: Uh, what do you want in return?
Chana: Just the pleasure of knowing we met your needs.
Kripke: Follow-up question. What if some of the needs are a wittle unusual?
Stuart: [whispers] Shush! We'd be honored to accept your hospitality.
Simpa: Our village isn't far. Walk with us.
Kripke: So far, this is my favorite universe.

Kripke: I suppose it's technically possible for a society to develop Engwish as a wanguage without an Engwand, but it seems unwikewy.
Denise: That's what I said.
Stuart: Guys!
Kripke: Of course, we could be speaking their wanguage and not know it.
Denise: I said that too.
Stuart: Listen to me!
Kripke: [to one of the women in the hot tub] Ooh, not so wough on the tushy.
Stuart: I've been through the whole village. There's one piece of red quartz, and Gavel won't give it up.
Kripke: Ah, I'm not surprised. He's also a very selfish wover.