Soldier #1: All kneel... for the Grand Caliph of South Pasadena, Flintridge, and Monrovia! The Supreme Ruler of the San Gabriel Valley!
Denise: I'm not kneeling for anybody!
[The guard fires a warning shot in the air. Denise gasps and they all kneel down.]
Denise: Okay, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Kripke: Hello, pwisoners.
Stuart: Kripke?
Soldier #1: Ward Kripke.
Kripke: Not Ward. "Word."
Soldier #1: What... What'd I say?
Kripke: You said "Ward," and...

Denise: But this world is a living nightmare. Don't you wanna put things right?
Kripke: Were you not wistening? I... I got all the girls. [chuckles] By the way, uh... uh, are you...you seeing anyone or...?
Stuart: She's with me.
Denise: No, I'm not.
Stuart: [in singsong] I... I'm trying to protect you.
Bert: Hmm.
Kripke: Take the wench, wash her, bring her to my woom.
Denise: [scoffs] I'd rather die!
Kripke: I understand. Wash her and kill her.

Stuart: I can't believe I lost the love of my life and I get you.
Bert: Let's not forget, he killed Raj.
Kripke: [chuckles] Well, now, there are two possibilities. One, the world we were just in no wonger exists, in which case I did not "kill Waj." Two, that world and this world are part of an infinite number of worlds, in which case I killed one of an infinite number of Wajs. Mathematicawy, a wounding error.

Kripke: Anyway, the device has torn the fabwic of weality, possibly causing the universe to cowapse and then weegwo.
Ramona Nowitzki: "Weegwo"?
Kripke: Yeah, weegwo.
Ramona Nowitzki: What is "weegwo"?
Kripke: Weegwo. Uh, uh, like a plant weegwos.
Ramona Nowitzki: Weegwo?
Kripke: Wee-gwo.
Ramona Nowitzki: "Weegwo"?
Kripke: Weegwo. You stupid, stupid-
[Kripke groans as he's zapped again. He tries to stay upright by leaning on the counter but is eventually overcome and drops to the floor.]
Bert: He has trouble with the letter "R."
Ramona Nowitzki: Oh! "Regrow." [chuckles] That makes more sense.

Penny: What about you?
Kripke: Furious, and honestly, a... a wittle turned on. [Kripke grunts as Penny slaps him again] [laughs] Yes, ma'am!

Stuart: With all due respect, my liege, how is it that you're the... the grand...
Kripke: Cawiph.
Stuart: Caliph of South Pasadena?
Kripke: [sighs] I suppose we have time for a wittle backstory. Uh, I apologize. You guys have heard this before. Uh, when everything went screwy and civilization as we know it cowapsed, a vacuum of weadership was created here at the university, and as we all know...
Bert: [hesitates] Nature abhors a vacuum?
Kripke: Wight-o. So, I seized power, got all the food, the guns, and the girls. Yeah, end of backstory.

Bert: This is The Evil One? [chuckles] Barry Kripke?
Raj Koothrappali: He's sorry. Please. He doesn't know. Show him mercy.
Kripke: Mercy? I am nothing if not merciful. Twoubadours sing of my mercy!
Stuart: You mind if we stand up?
Soldier #1: No one stands before Ward Kripke.
Kripke: Okay, wast time, it's "Word," not "Ward." Uh, go ahead, stand, doesn't matter.

Bert: Can you tell us their numbers?
Ramona Nowitzki: Sure can't. [chuckles]
Kripke: [breathes sharply] We are in the middle of a cwisis and we weawy need to talk to them.
Ramona Nowitzki: [whispers] Sir, I would ask you not to raise your voice.
Kripke: I'm not waising my voice. [raises voice] I'm just trying to say--
[Kripke groans and drops to floor as he's zapped again]
Bert: Sorry. We're new to this whole button-in-the neck thing.
Kripke: Ow!

Stuart: Bert, stop. No zombies, no moths. No apocalypse. It worked.
Bert: Look how beautiful.
Kripke: Wats, my weign has ended.
Bert: Hey, your bruises are gone.
Kripke: Oh, yeah. You wook good. I mean... for you.

Bert: Unbelievable. No more mutants. No more giant moths. Such a better world.
Kripke: For you, maybe. [with rhotacism] I lost my hawem.
Bert: Mm, you know those weren't healthy relationships.
Kripke: It was all consensual. Sex for food.

Stuart: I looked everywhere. No Denise.
Kripke: Eh, she must have been too far away from the interdimensional bubble cweated by the Weonard/Sheldon device.
Stuart: What the hell does that mean?
Kripke: Well, I don't know. I'm just wiffing.

Kripke: You must have screwed up the machine, Stuart.
Stuart: I screwed up? You killed the one guy that knew how to use the damn thing.
Kyle: [scoffs] Uh, fellas, we're all friends.
Trevor: Yeah, no arguing.
Kripke: Stay out of it. You're the one who pushed the stupid button.
Stuart: What was I supposed to do? You're the one who-
[Stuart and Kripke tense up as the devices in the back of their necks turn red. They drop to the floor and writhe around in agony]

Stuart: What's that?
Bert: Best guess? A giant floating obelisk with no apparent means of propulsion?
Kripke: [with rhotacism] You are weawy getting on my nerve.
[The light on the obelisk turns red, as does the light on the device in Kripke's neck]
Kripke: Stop talking.
[Kripke groans as he once again tenses up and drops to the floor, writhing in agony]
Stuart: Another piece of the puzzle?
Bert: Maybe. [Kripke yelps]

Bert: I think what we're looking at is your classic totalitarian dystopia with a dollop of mind control surveillance.
Kripke: A dollop?
Bert: It means a small serving.
Kripke: Yeah, I know what it means-
[Kripke is zapped again]
Kripke: [cheerfully] I know what it means!

Kripke: Seriously, what did we do?
Officer McCaffrey: Well, when people keep getting upset, it becomes a police matter.
Officer Denison: Don't you worry. Everything's going to be explained at the re-education center.
Bert: [groans] I don't like the sound of that.
Officer McCaffrey: Well, I hope you like the sound of complimentary bottles of water.
Officer Denison: Hmm.
Officer McCaffrey: And granola bars, 'cause they're waiting for you in the back of the car.
Kripke: [sighs] Wook, a fwoating obewisk.
[Barry points up into the sky behind them. As the two officers look up, Barry starts to run away.]
Officer Denison: Oh, dear.
[Officer Denison presses the button on a device he's holding. Kripke is shocked and starts shaking about before crashing down on the grass in front of the Caltech sign.]

Bert: I'm glad we didn't escape.
Stuart: Oh, me too.
Kripke: It was an honor being wehabilitated with you fewas.

Stuart: Denise, you came back for me.
Denise: Not really. I found your machine. Show us how it can get rid of the AI.
Stuart: Oh, uh... [Zack frees the guys] Yeah, I probably wasn't clear about that. It won't solve your AI problems.
Kripke: Yeah, it'll just get us out of your happy-go-fascist universe.
Bert: Besides, we don't really know how to use it.
Kripke: We have some theowies.

Kripke: Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh... Hold on. I- I have an idea.
Penny: Fine, go ahead.
Kripke: Now, it's a wong shot, but it... it's worth a twy. [sniffs, sighs] Hmm. Okay. [sighs] Hmm. Mm. Okay.
Penny: [exhales] What is your idea?
Bert: Ah, if everyone would pwease wook over there.
[As everyone looks the other way, Kripke grabs the machine and runs off in the opposite direction]
Bert: He keeps doing that.

Kripke: Well, my dear, have you changed your mind?
Denise: Is the choice still sex with you or death?
Kripke: Wook, I'm not a monster. I'm just proposing we, uh, have a nice dinner, watch a movie, see what unfolds.
Denise: Kill me.
Kripke: [sighs] Give us a minute. [the soldier leaves] Wook. [sighs] Being the ruler of a post-apocalyptic fiefdom can be... [inhales] ...very wonely.
Denise: What about your harem?
Kripke: Those girls don't really care about me. They're just here for the food, medicine, free childcare.

Denise: You know what? Fine. I will have dinner with you.
Kripke: Oh, wonderful. [chuckles]
Denise: You'll have to untie me first. [Kripke looks unsure] A real relationship is built on trust. That has to start now.
Kripke: Okay [chuckles] Ooh, hey, you wike venison?
Denise: Mm.
Kripke: I make it with a cherwy gwaze. The key is low-heat weduction.
[As Kripke frees Denise from the constraints, she immediately starts attacking him]
Denise: You are a stupid, stupid... [Kripke groans] Stupid, stupid, stupid man!