Denise: Funny story, actually, uh, Gary was seeing my friend Lisa.
Gary: Oh, nice girl. Yeah, Jewish.
Denise: Yeah, and anyway, Lisa got eaten by cannibals in Sherman Oaks.
Stuart: Oh, no.
Denise: Mm-hmm.
Bert: Human meat isn't kosher, but I guess that only matters if the cannibals are also Jewish.

Kripke: Gentlemen, we are in hell.
Bert: Really? Everyone's being so nice to each other.
Mailman: Hi!
Stuart: Yeah, they have devices implanted in their necks to make them nice.
Bert: Would you rather push the button on the Sheldon/Leonard thingy and try another universe?
Kripke: No, thanks. We could wind up somewhere worse.
Bert: Like where humans are a meat source for a highly evolved wizard people?
Kripke: Yeah, like that.
Bert: Or one where everyone's French, but no one speaks French.

Bert: You know, in another universe, I worked in this building.
Ramona Nowitzki: Really? In what department?
Bert: Geology.
Ramona Nowitzki: Oh, that's not in this building anymore.
Bert: W... Why not?
Ramona Nowitzki: They needed to make room for the important sciences.
Bert: Uh, geology is an important science.
Ramona Nowitzki: And yet they moved it into the storage room behind the gym.
Bert: [raises voice] W- W- Why would you take a field of study that examines the [voice cracking] physical structure of the planet...
[As Bert is shocked for the first time, he groans, grabs hold of the counter and falls back. Ramona Nowitzki drinks her coffee as he writhes around in pain.]
Kripke: Nice twy, Dumbo.
[Kripke is shocked and falls to the ground. He and Bert are both lying face up on the floor, wiggling around in pain]

Christine Baranski: [on big screen] Hello! I'm theater, film, and television's Christine Baranski. I bet you're wondering what you're doing here. Simple answer, you have been non-compliant. [imitates electric buzzing] "Ouch!" [chuckles] Am I right? Well, maybe this is a good opportunity to remind ourselves, and by ourselves, I mean you, why this is the best of all possible worlds.
Bert: I loved the first Mamma Mia! The second one was kind of milking it.
Stuart: Shush.

Female Acolyte #1: Here's your Coke, sir.
Bert: Diet?
Female Acolyte #1: Oh, I'm sorry. It's regular.
Bert: Not a problem. [waves his hand] Now, it's Diet. [mob exclaims] You like that? Watch this. [waves hand] Dr. Pepper!
Female Mob Attendee: You can control the elements. Can you manifest life?
Bert: You mean like hocus pocus puppy? [a puppy appears] Look at you! [waves hand] House-broken. [mob exclaims]
Lisa: Does your magic work in the bedroom?
Bert: I don't need magic in the bedroom. I'm a good listener. [Lisa moans]

Stuart: Well, we're not in Pasadena.
Denise: Is it real?
Bert: Seems real. Sand, organic material, clay. Could be kaolinite or montmorillonite.
Kripke: What's that mean?
Bert: It's dirt.
Kripke: Why didn't you just say "dirt"?
Bert: I was showing off a little.

Bert: I've been doing a little research. It turns out this universe is pretty close to ours before the apocalypse. Couple of differences. Baseball doesn't have a DH rule and they don't have Skechers Slip-Ins. That's a drag.
Kripke: Are you weaving anything out there, buddy?
Bert: Uh, let's see. Oh, okay. John Cougar is still John Cougar. He never went back to Mellencamp.

Bert: [thinking] Weird that Kripke's thoughts have a speech impediment.

Kripke: Oh, shit.
Denise: How long do we have to stay here?
Bert: Just until we follow ourselves so that they, which is we, run to the centaur world where they become us.
Kripke: I don't understand.
Stuart: No one understands!

Bert: Wanna play a game?
Kripke: What?
Bert: You know, pass the time.
Kripke: You're kidding?
Bert: When I was a kid on car trips, my mom and I would play 20 questions.
Kripke: I'm not pwaying 20 questions while we're falling through an endwess void.
Bert: Okay. [whooshing continues]
Kripke: Okay, screw it. I got one.
Bert: Great. Is it something you eat?
Kripke: No.
Bert: I give up.

Bert: Seventh grade, I had a teacher. Mr. Morinelli. He's the one who inspired me to start a geology club. Uh, it didn't really catch on at first. It was just me and Karen Hartman and Larry O'Malley. He had a twin brother. Can't remember his name. [whooshing] It rhymed with Larry. It was like Barry or Harry.
Kripke: Oh, God, just wet me hit the gwound.
Bert: Gary! Gary O'Malley! That's it. I knew I'd remember it.

Stuart: Okay, guys. Clearly, we're gonna have to control our thoughts in this world.
Kripke: [with rhotacism] Absowutewy.
Denise: Good idea.
Bert: [thinking] This reminds me of a movie. What was the name of that movie?
Stuart: Bert, focus.
Bert: [out loud] Um, sorry. [thinking] It had that girl in it. The one who's married to what's-his-name in real life. Phoebe Cates. Nope, not Phoebe Cates.

Kripke: Too bad Wadioshack went out of business.
Bert: [thinking] [chuckles] "Wadioshack."
Kripke: Hey!
Bert: [out loud] Sorry. It's hard to not think. It's like you tell somebody, don't think of a pink elephant.
All: [overlapping] Pink elephant?
Bert: [thinking] See?

Stuart: All right, here's the plan. Somewhere here are guys who look like us. We find them, we find the machine.
Bert: That's not a plan. That's just restating the premise.

Bert: Maybe we have a chance to fix the world.
Stuart: I don't know, I think it's important to ask the question. Is this reality that bad?
[A zombie hand groans and reaches towards Bert, who crushes it with his foot]
Bert: I think there's room for improvement.

Raj Koothrappali: Thank God for geology!
Bert: I do every day.

Bert: Well, we do things differently where I come from.
Chana: Pasadena?
Bert: Yeah. When a man and a woman love each other, they're monogamous.
Chana: What is "monogamous"?
Bert: They only have sex with one another.
Chana: And everyone in Pasadena does this?
Bert: Well, I can't speak for everyone, but a lot of them. Definitely more than in Beverly Hills.

Bert: How about this? If we can find a deck of cards, I can distract them with some close-up magic.

Penny: Wha...? What? What is happening?
Bert: We're in a universe where everyone's a centaur. [Penny yelps as her back half knocks over a rack] I call it the centaur universe.

Bert: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Bert.
Bert: Got anything new?
Stuart: Funny every time.