Denise: Funny story, actually, uh, Gary was seeing my friend Lisa.
Gary: Oh, nice girl. Yeah, Jewish.
Denise: Yeah, and anyway, Lisa got eaten by cannibals in Sherman Oaks.
Stuart: Oh, no.
Denise: Mm-hmm.
Bert: Human meat isn't kosher, but I guess that only matters if the cannibals are also Jewish.

Kripke: Gentlemen, we are in hell.
Bert: Really? Everyone's being so nice to each other.
Mailman: Hi!
Stuart: Yeah, they have devices implanted in their necks to make them nice.
Bert: Would you rather push the button on the Sheldon/Leonard thingy and try another universe?
Kripke: No, thanks. We could wind up somewhere worse.
Bert: Like where humans are a meat source for a highly evolved wizard people?
Kripke: Yeah, like that.
Bert: Or one where everyone's French, but no one speaks French.

Bert: You know, in another universe, I worked in this building.
Ramona Nowitzki: Really? In what department?
Bert: Geology.
Ramona Nowitzki: Oh, that's not in this building anymore.
Bert: W... Why not?
Ramona Nowitzki: They needed to make room for the important sciences.
Bert: Uh, geology is an important science.
Ramona Nowitzki: And yet they moved it into the storage room behind the gym.
Bert: [raises voice] W- W- Why would you take a field of study that examines the [voice cracking] physical structure of the planet...
[As Bert is shocked for the first time, he groans, grabs hold of the counter and falls back. Ramona Nowitzki drinks her coffee as he writhes around in pain.]
Kripke: Nice twy, Dumbo.
[Kripke is shocked and falls to the ground. He and Bert are both lying face up on the floor, wiggling around in pain]

Christine Baranski: [on big screen] Hello! I'm theater, film, and television's Christine Baranski. I bet you're wondering what you're doing here. Simple answer, you have been non-compliant. [imitates electric buzzing] "Ouch!" [chuckles] Am I right? Well, maybe this is a good opportunity to remind ourselves, and by ourselves, I mean you, why this is the best of all possible worlds.
Bert: I loved the first Mamma Mia! The second one was kind of milking it.
Stuart: Shush.

Bert: Maybe we have a chance to fix the world.
Stuart: I don't know, I think it's important to ask the question. Is this reality that bad?
[A zombie hand groans and reaches towards Bert, who crushes it with his foot]
Bert: I think there's room for improvement.

Raj Koothrappali: Thank God for geology!
Bert: I do every day.

Bert: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Bert.
Bert: Got anything new?
Stuart: Funny every time.

Bert: Do you have an identical twin brother?
Stuart: No.
Bert: Okay, I have two questions.
Stuart: Just two?
Traveler: I've only got a few seconds to explain this, so you gotta focus.
Stuart: Who are you?
Bert: First question.
Traveler: I'm you from another stream of reality.
Bert: Well, that answers that. Second question...
Traveler: Listen to me. This apocalyptic nightmare that you are living in, it can be avoided, it never has to happen.
Bert: Okay, now I have, like, six questions.

Bert: [to a rabid dog that just attacked a person] Nice catch, Steve!
Stuart: How is it out there?
Bert: It's a little nippy. Wear layers.

Stuart: If we got to the device, you could really reset the universe?
Raj Koothrappali: Bing, bang, boom! But it's hopeless! That device, it's surrounded by armed guards, 24/7!
Stuart: No, it's not hopeless. The alternate me said that I'm the chosen one who'll set things right.
Bert: He didn't say "chosen."
Stuart: Well, he implied "chosen."
Bert: Boy, I did not get that at all.

Bert: I've got a sweet tooth. Who's up for some fro-yo?
Stuart: Oh, love it. My treat!
Kripke: Aw.
Bert: Thanks, buddy.
[As Kripke, Stuart and Bert reach the curb, a dark van pulls up and a group of men emerge]
Kripke: Huh? What's happening?
Stuart: I think we're being abducted.
Bert: Well, so much for yogurt.

Traveler: Anyway, they invented some kind of quantum entanglement thing, and you were there when it malfunctioned.
Bert: Both of us or just him?
Stuart: Doesn't matter!
Bert: It matters to me.

Denise: Stuart?
Stuart: Denise?
Denise: I thought you were dead.
Stuart: [chuckles] I thought you were dead!
Bert: Aw!

Traveler: [sighs] Guys, please! The machine is still at Caltech. Here's what you have to do.
Stuart: Hang on, let me write this down. "Cal..." Oh, shoot! [shakes pen]
Bert: What is shaking it gonna do?
Traveler: Stop talking and listen.
Bert: You know, I might have a Sharpie, excuse me.
Traveler: Listen! When you get to the machine... [garbled speech] Damn it!
Stuart: W... What's happening?
Traveler: I don't know! I'm going through some kind of wormhole! [groans] The important thing is... [garbled speech] And... And when you find him... [garbled speech] And that will fix everything. [The traveler disappears]
Stuart: You get any of that?
Bert: I got the gist.

[Penny raises her hand against Bert]
Bert: I'm mad, I'm mad!

Bert: You know, I feel the same way about Green Arrow.
Stuart: Yeah, we all do but you don't have to kill people.
[Stuart and Bert throw Trevor's dead body into the portal]
Stuart: Bye!

Stuart: He can't be me.
Bert: He looks like you.
Traveler: Senior prom, Emily Manhart, peach schnapps. She was ready to go. You puked in her lap.
Bert: Sounds like you.
Stuart: At least I went to my senior prom.
Bert: I couldn't go. I had mono.

Stuart: Oh, that looks bad.
Bert: Because of all the guns?
Stuart: Yes, because of all the guns.

Stuart: Where's Denise?
Bert: I don't know.
Stuart: I can't lose her again.
Bert: Don't worry, she's out there, and we'll find her. Everything's back to normal.
[As the camera pans behind them, the three guys all have an electronic device with a green light implanted in the back of their necks]

Bert: Uh-oh, that's not supposed to be there.
Stuart: What just happened?
Kripke: I don't know.
Bert: I have a hypothesis.
Stuart: I'm listening.
Bert: Did you notice the thing on the back of your necks?
Kripke: What? What thing?
Bert: Humor me.