Wil Wheaton: [voice echoes] Stuart Bloom!
Stuart: Wil Wheaton?
Wil Wheaton: Did you give blood to Bernadette Rostenkowski?
Stuart: A little. Why?
Wil Wheaton: Oh, you stupid, stupid man. The guild sanctioned her for a reason.
Kripke: Oh, yeah, the dog. [nods]
Wil Wheaton: What dog? She's a demon.
Stuart: Oh, she can be a little bitchy. I wouldn't call her a demon.

Denise: What's your plan?
Stuart: No, I don't really have one. I'm kind of new to the action genre.

Stuart: Okay, I'm just gonna say it, and forgive me if it doesn't make sense. Denise, you and I are destined to be together, and I have come from a parallel universe... uh, to "claim" you.
Denise: Well, that is really something.
Gary: Mind-blowing. [Denise chuckles]
Stuart: Okay, you're... So, you're like a running joke in all this, aren't you?
Gary: Sorry?
Stuart: Uh, it's not important.

Bert: Shall we?
Stuart: [sighs] Mm, I don't know. I'm having second thoughts.
Bert: What are you talking about? We've been given a quest.
Stuart: Yeah, but, uh, do we believe that guy?
Bert: That guy was you.
Stuart: That's my point. When did we start listening to me?

Kripke: We gotta get out of here.
Stuart: Why? It's not such a bad world. We could chill here for a while.
Kripke: Stuart, the people here think science is evil.
Stuart: How's that different from our world?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [munching] So, what's up, buttercup?
Stuart: Well, this is gonna sound crazy, but we've got this machine that allows you to travel between alternate universes.
Kripke: And we just need a wittle abwacadabwa to jump-start the damn thing.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm all out of abracadabra.
Kripke: Word on the street is you're wike a worwd-wenowned sowcewess.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Used to be.
Stuart: What happened?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not that it's any of your business, but the Wizards Guild of America claimed I used my powers while we were on strike.
Kripke: What were you on strike for?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Better dental, residuals for eternal spells. It's ridiculous. We were out for six months, and basically, everyone got a handful of magic beans.

Female Acolyte #1: Here's your Coke, sir.
Bert: Diet?
Female Acolyte #1: Oh, I'm sorry. It's regular.
Bert: Not a problem. [waves his hand] Now, it's Diet. [mob exclaims] You like that? Watch this. [waves hand] Dr. Pepper!
Female Mob Attendee: You can control the elements. Can you manifest life?
Bert: You mean like hocus pocus puppy? [a puppy appears] Look at you! [waves hand] House-broken. [mob exclaims]
Lisa: Does your magic work in the bedroom?
Bert: I don't need magic in the bedroom. I'm a good listener. [Lisa moans]