Kripke: We gotta get out of here.
Stuart: Why? It's not such a bad world. We could chill here for a while.
Kripke: Stuart, the people here think science is evil.
Stuart: How's that different from our world?

Wil Wheaton: [voice echoes] Stuart Bloom!
Stuart: Wil Wheaton?
Wil Wheaton: Did you give blood to Bernadette Rostenkowski?
Stuart: A little. Why?
Wil Wheaton: Oh, you stupid, stupid man. The guild sanctioned her for a reason.
Kripke: Oh, yeah, the dog. [nods]
Wil Wheaton: What dog? She's a demon.
Stuart: Oh, she can be a little bitchy. I wouldn't call her a demon.

Female Acolyte #1: Here's your Coke, sir.
Bert: Diet?
Female Acolyte #1: Oh, I'm sorry. It's regular.
Bert: Not a problem. [waves his hand] Now, it's Diet. [mob exclaims] You like that? Watch this. [waves hand] Dr. Pepper!
Female Mob Attendee: You can control the elements. Can you manifest life?
Bert: You mean like hocus pocus puppy? [a puppy appears] Look at you! [waves hand] House-broken. [mob exclaims]
Lisa: Does your magic work in the bedroom?
Bert: I don't need magic in the bedroom. I'm a good listener. [Lisa moans]

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [munching] So, what's up, buttercup?
Stuart: Well, this is gonna sound crazy, but we've got this machine that allows you to travel between alternate universes.
Kripke: And we just need a wittle abwacadabwa to jump-start the damn thing.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm all out of abracadabra.
Kripke: Word on the street is you're wike a worwd-wenowned sowcewess.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Used to be.
Stuart: What happened?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not that it's any of your business, but the Wizards Guild of America claimed I used my powers while we were on strike.
Kripke: What were you on strike for?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Better dental, residuals for eternal spells. It's ridiculous. We were out for six months, and basically, everyone got a handful of magic beans.

Stuart: So, did you use your powers during the strike?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: My neighbor's son had a dog. A little rescue. Adorable. Called him Chocolate Chip because he kind of looked like a cookie. [Stuart and Kripke chuckle softly] Anyway, he ran out into traffic and a car hit him.
Stuart: Hmm.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Then another car. [Stuart exhales] Then another one. Then another one.
Stuart: Got it. Cars.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: The kid's crying. I couldn't stand there and do nothing. So, I used my powers to bring Chocolate Chip back to life.
Kripke: I don't see how that's bweaking a stwike.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Exactly. Let me tell you something about Wizards Guild of America. Ninety percent of them don't even work, and yet they get to vote.
Kripke: [whispers] Ninety. Wow.

Stuart: Isn't there something that you can do?
Kripke: Can you fiwe an appeaw?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not really. I mean, there is a reversal spell that would give me my powers back, but the key ingredient is impossible to find.
Kripke: Wh... What are we talking about? Uh, saffwon? Twuffews?

Stuart: Check this out. In a universe of magic, what are the comic books? Dr. Strange Colorectal Surgeon. It's a great story. He does a bowel resection.
Kripke: Yeah, tewwific.

Stuart: Besides, we can't leave without Bert and Denise.
Kripke: [chuckles] Bert will be fine, and you can always get a new Denise in the next universe. They're a dime a dozen.
Stuart: No, I want this one. She's got a little problem with the sauce, but so did my mom. Maybe that's why I'm finding her so attractive.

Abramowitz the Grey: [over TV] Have you or a loved one been injured by a defective spell or faulty incantation? Call me, Abramowitz the Grey. Over 700 years' experience in magical litigation. [banging on door]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Now what? [answers door] Oh. Hey, Stuart. Kripke.
Stuart: You know us?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Of course, I know you. What do you want?
Stuart: Can we come in?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm kind of busy, but okay. Excuse the mess. I gave up giving a shit.

Stuart: That was more than a cup.
Kripke: We're gonna need some backup in case your bwood doesn't do the twick.
Stuart: You're right. Hey, Alexa. Huh. Hey, Alexa.
Alexa: I was taking a dump. What do you want?
Stuart: Where would we find Sheldon Cooper?
Alexa: Searching. Sheldon Cooper is currently starring in a revival of Man of La Mancha on Broadway.
Stuart: Damn it. We'll never get him to help us.
Kripke: I saw that with, uh, John Withgow.
Stuart: Oh, he's always good.

Denise: Just so I'm clear, you told you to use that machine to get back to your universe.
Stuart: Uh, no, not my universe. His universe, which was supposed to be my universe.
Denise: And he was you?
Stuart: Almost. He was the me I was supposed to have been.
Denise: But if you were supposed to have been him, then how could he have existed to tell you that?
Stuart: Fair question. More importantly, you and I are back together.
Denise: What do you mean, "back together"? We were never together.
Stuart: Okay! Yep. I see what your problem is. You're confusing the you and I that you remember with the you and I that I remember. Easy mistake.
Denise: This is insane.
Stuart: [chuckles] Yes, it is. [hesitantly leans in for a hug and gives up] A wonderful story to tell our grandchildren.

Stuart: Where have you been?
Kripke: [with rhotacism] Wooking everywhere for you.
Stuart: Have you seen Bert?
Kripke: I have not. I have not seen Bert, no.
Stuart: Should we be worried?
Kripke: Were you worried about me?
Stuart: Not really, no.
Kripke: Well, there you go.

Alexa: Okay. Here are some wizards near you.
[As Kripke scrolls through the list that's projected, Stuart makes small talk]
Stuart: How's it going?
Alexa: Can't complain.
Kripke: Stuart, here's a name I wecognize. Bernadette Wostenkowski, master sowcewess.
Stuart: Really? Bernadette?
Kripke: Yeah, four-and-a-half stars.
Alexa: Well, you guys want this broad's address or what?
Kripke: Uh... Uh... Walking, not dwiving?

Denise: [scoffs] Oh, my God. Gary. Hi, Gary! [chuckles] Hey, Gary.
Gary: Have we met?
Denise: Gary, we were in a terrible marriage for six years. But we never fought, not once. 'Cause we had shock collars. They really hurt. You'd be getting all mad, and you'd be like... [grunts violently, coughs] You used to part your hair on the other side. I think I liked it better. [readjusts Gary's hair] Oh.

Bert: This can't be happening! Rain! Please, rain! [a downpour starts directly above Bert] Yes! Yes! Yes!
Keith: He called forth rain!
Female Mob Attendee: He controls the heavens.
Male Mob Attendee: He has the power! [all bow]

Keith: There are legends of sorcerers capable of controlling the weather, but no one's ever witnessed it.
Bert: Wait. So you guys think that I'm the one who made it...? [mob agreeing] 'Cause I did. [mob laughs] Rain, snow, hail... I do all your precipitation.
Female Mob Attendee: Are you in league with a demon?
Bert: Oh, no, I just ask nicely. You know, "Please rain." [it rains] [mob gasps] Ta-da!

Denise: So, anyway, he thinks he can pick up with me right where he left off with the other me.
Bartender: The you from another universe?
Denise: You got it. And dig this. He claims he got all that from another version of himself.
Bartender: I'm guessing from another universe?
Denise: Exactly.
Bartender: Okay. Why don't we get some food in that stomach? [snaps fingers]
Denise: Deviled eggs, little on the nose.

Kripke: Wait a minute. If this universe doesn't obey the waws of physics, then maybe we need magic.
Stuart: Okay. You know a wizard or a sorcerer or something?
Kripke: I do not. I absolutely do not.
Stuart: [sighs] Remember when you could just say, "Hey, Alexa, show me wizards near me"?
Kripke: Yeah.
Alexa: Yeah, what?
[Stuart and Kripke yelp and scream as a little goblin man appears on the counter]
Stuart: What the hell?
Alexa: Come on. I'm the demon Alexa. You summoned me.
Kripke: I'm fweaked out. You fweaked out?

Alexa: Tick tock. Got a lot of people waiting.
Stuart: Uh... Okay, uh... Are there any wizards around?
Alexa: Checking. While you wait, I noticed your shopping list is empty. How you doin' with paper towels?
Kripke: Will you just show us some wizards?
Alexa: Do not take that tone with me, buddy boy.
Kripke: Sowwy.

Denise: What is happening?
Stuart: Well, let's see. Bert's magic, Kripke's a penguin.
Kripke: Hey.
Stuart: And Wil Wheaton's mad 'cause I gave blood to Bernadette.
Denise: Why?
Stuart: She may or may not have saved Chocolate Chip.
Denise: A cookie?
Stuart: A dog.
Denise: Oh.