Stuart: Well, we're not in Pasadena.
Denise: Is it real?
Bert: Seems real. Sand, organic material, clay. Could be kaolinite or montmorillonite.
Kripke: What's that mean?
Bert: It's dirt.
Kripke: Why didn't you just say "dirt"?
Bert: I was showing off a little.

Kripke: Gentlemen, we are in hell.
Bert: Really? Everyone's being so nice to each other.
Mailman: Hi!
Stuart: Yeah, they have devices implanted in their necks to make them nice.
Bert: Would you rather push the button on the Sheldon/Leonard thingy and try another universe?
Kripke: No, thanks. We could wind up somewhere worse.
Bert: Like where humans are a meat source for a highly evolved wizard people?
Kripke: Yeah, like that.
Bert: Or one where everyone's French, but no one speaks French.

Denise: Funny story, actually, uh, Gary was seeing my friend Lisa.
Gary: Oh, nice girl. Yeah, Jewish.
Denise: Yeah, and anyway, Lisa got eaten by cannibals in Sherman Oaks.
Stuart: Oh, no.
Denise: Mm-hmm.
Bert: Human meat isn't kosher, but I guess that only matters if the cannibals are also Jewish.

Bert: You know, in another universe, I worked in this building.
Ramona Nowitzki: Really? In what department?
Bert: Geology.
Ramona Nowitzki: Oh, that's not in this building anymore.
Bert: W... Why not?
Ramona Nowitzki: They needed to make room for the important sciences.
Bert: Uh, geology is an important science.
Ramona Nowitzki: And yet they moved it into the storage room behind the gym.
Bert: [raises voice] W- W- Why would you take a field of study that examines the [voice cracking] physical structure of the planet...
[As Bert is shocked for the first time, he groans, grabs hold of the counter and falls back. Ramona Nowitzki drinks her coffee as he writhes around in pain.]
Kripke: Nice twy, Dumbo.
[Kripke is shocked and falls to the ground. He and Bert are both lying face up on the floor, wiggling around in pain]

Stuart: I know it sounds crazy... but Penny was like some kind of, uh, revolutionary guerrilla leader, uh, fighting against this AI government thing that put chips in everyone's neck.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And the chips, they were inserted with magic?
Stuart: N... No, no, that's... that's the next universe. That's a... that's a completely different ball of wax.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Right, sorry. "Different ball of wax."
Stuart: And I know you. I mean, uh, from my universe. But you weren't a psychiatrist, you were... were a neurobiologist.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, good for me. And this all happened before or after the apocalypse?
Stuart: Oh, before. After civilization collapsed, there wasn't a big demand for neurobiologists. Rat farmers, sure, you know? [chuckles] People gotta eat.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Uh-huh.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, uh, here's what we're gonna do. Let's keep your Shamoxil where it is, and I'm going to double your dosage on Trafederine, see if that doesn't help.
Stuart: You think I'm crazy?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh... That's not a word we like to use around here, but... [grimaces]
Stuart: Doesn't matter. I... gotta get out of this place.
Amy Farrah Fowler: To go to a different universe?
Stuart: Not just different, a good universe. You know, without giant moths, or evil demons.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Right, sure. Well, if you make progress, it's not out of the question that someday you can leave.
Stuart: Someday? What... what... what does "someday" mean?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It means a vague time in an unspecified future.
Stuart: That sounds like never to me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, "never" is not a word we use around here. It can be upsetting.

Sherpa: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Careful there, Chachi.
Stuart: [gasps] Who are you?
Sherpa: Who am I? I'm Mamie Eisenhower. I'm a Sherpa.
Stuart: A Sherpa?
Sherpa: Hmm.
Stuart: I thought Sherpa was an ethnic group.
Sherpa: Oh, it is. I converted. I met a girl online. We did the whole thing, you know, the classes, the ceremony. Then she goes back to her ex.
Stuart: I don't know what to say. Uh, I'm sorry?
Sherpa: Oh, no, I'm... I'm working through it. I'm in therapy. I'm thinking about ayahuasca.
Stuart: I... I think that's a good idea.
Sherpa: I don't know. We'll find out.