Stuart: I know it sounds crazy... but Penny was like some kind of, uh, revolutionary guerrilla leader, uh, fighting against this AI government thing that put chips in everyone's neck.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And the chips, they were inserted with magic?
Stuart: N... No, no, that's... that's the next universe. That's a... that's a completely different ball of wax.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Right, sorry. "Different ball of wax."
Stuart: And I know you. I mean, uh, from my universe. But you weren't a psychiatrist, you were... were a neurobiologist.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, good for me. And this all happened before or after the apocalypse?
Stuart: Oh, before. After civilization collapsed, there wasn't a big demand for neurobiologists. Rat farmers, sure, you know? [chuckles] People gotta eat.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Uh-huh.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, uh, here's what we're gonna do. Let's keep your Shamoxil where it is, and I'm going to double your dosage on Trafederine, see if that doesn't help.
Stuart: You think I'm crazy?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh... That's not a word we like to use around here, but... [grimaces]
Stuart: Doesn't matter. I... gotta get out of this place.
Amy Farrah Fowler: To go to a different universe?
Stuart: Not just different, a good universe. You know, without giant moths, or evil demons.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Right, sure. Well, if you make progress, it's not out of the question that someday you can leave.
Stuart: Someday? What... what... what does "someday" mean?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It means a vague time in an unspecified future.
Stuart: That sounds like never to me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, "never" is not a word we use around here. It can be upsetting.

Sherpa: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Careful there, Chachi.
Stuart: [gasps] Who are you?
Sherpa: Who am I? I'm Mamie Eisenhower. I'm a Sherpa.
Stuart: A Sherpa?
Sherpa: Hmm.
Stuart: I thought Sherpa was an ethnic group.
Sherpa: Oh, it is. I converted. I met a girl online. We did the whole thing, you know, the classes, the ceremony. Then she goes back to her ex.
Stuart: I don't know what to say. Uh, I'm sorry?
Sherpa: Oh, no, I'm... I'm working through it. I'm in therapy. I'm thinking about ayahuasca.
Stuart: I... I think that's a good idea.
Sherpa: I don't know. We'll find out.

Amy Farrah Fowler: But how are we feeling about these other universes?
Stuart: I'm glad you asked. I've come to understand that I was batshit crazy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Not the word that I would use, but a word that I would think.

Denise: Okay, come on, everybody's dying to meet you.
Stuart: Oh, uh, help me out. Am I down-to-Earth famous, or more asshole famous?
Denise: Asshole.
Stuart: Great.

Stuart: Well, we're not in Pasadena.
Denise: Is it real?
Bert: Seems real. Sand, organic material, clay. Could be kaolinite or montmorillonite.
Kripke: What's that mean?
Bert: It's dirt.
Kripke: Why didn't you just say "dirt"?
Bert: I was showing off a little.

Kripke: [with rhotacism] Welcome back, neighbow.
Stuart: Kripke?
Kripke: Guilty as charged.
Stuart: We're neighbors?
Kripke: I wike to think we're a wittwe more than neighbows. I held your son at his bwis. [snaps garden shears]
Stuart: We're Jewish?

Kyle: You're not listening to me, okay? The centrifugal force of Thor's hammer is what allows him to fly.
Trevor: But Thor is throwing it. That violates Newton's first law.
Kyle: Uh, hey. Hey, hey. Settle an argument for us. Laws of physics don't apply to Norse gods, right?
Stuart: Of course not. Thor, along with the other inhabitants of Asgard, exist outside the paradigm of the physical universe. [gasps] How do I know that?

Stuart Prime: [v.o.] "It was like any other Tuesday at Caltech. Smart people doing smart stuff. Leonard, Sheldon, and Howard constructed a Vari-state Quantum Entanglement Device. Stuart Bloom stopped by to share the news of a clean colonoscopy. In his excitement, he knocked the device off the table."
Denise: [knocks on door] [o.s.] Honey, everything all right?
Stuart: Uh, yeah, give me a minute.
Stuart Prime: "From that point on, Stuart was entangled with the fate of the universe."
Stuart: Oh, Jesus.
Denise: You need the MiraLAX?
Stuart: Uh, no, no. I'm okay.
Denise: Don't strain. Remember, that's how Elvis died.
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

Stuart Prime: [v.o.] "Messages were sent to help him, but the big dope didn't notice."
Stuart: I'm a big dope? You're a big dope.
Denise: If you need it, there's a Fleet enema under the sink.
Stuart: Great, thanks.
Stuart Prime: "So you've gotta fix it. We're going to send you more instructions, but first, you have to escape from this prison."
Stuart: "Prison"?
Bert: [echoes] "None of this is real!" [Denise knocks again]
Stuart: Coming!

Kripke: So, how was the woony bin?
Denise: It's not a loony bin, Barry. It's a hospital.
Kripke: Yeah, fow woonies. [laughs]
Denise: Barry...
Kripke: I'm kidding. I'm a kidder. Just ask my husband.
Kyle: Is this guy giving you the business?
Stuart: Gary?
Gary: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: I... gotta go lay down.

Stuart: Ah! I'm bald.
Denise: What'd you do? Where are we?
Stuart: Uh... It looks like The Matrix to me.
Bert: Uh, technically, we're out of the Matrix.
Denise: So, what, the house, the kids, the cable TV, none of that was real?
Kripke: Oh, man. I wiked it there. I mean, I was homosexual, but my husband was a weal wooker.

Stuart: You guys ready? There's no way to know where we're gonna land.
Kripke: Anywhere, as wong as I'm stwaight.
Denise: That is so inappropriate.
Kripke: [groans] I know, I know. It's not a choice.

Nurse Stephanie: Open. [Stuart swallows the two pills and drinks the water] Thank you. Oh, and remember, Dr. Fowler upped our dosage, so we might wanna take it easy for a while.
Stuart: "We"? Are you on these drugs too?
Nurse Stephanie: [laughs] You're a crack-up. [laughs] I like you.

Stuart: You gotta get me out of here.
Denise: Oh, honey, I wish I could. You've gotta get well first.
Stuart: Mm, there's nothing wrong with me.
Denise: Stuart, please, you need help. I miss you. The children miss you.
Stuart: I have children?
Denise: Oh, my God.
Stuart: I'm a dad?
Denise: You're a wonderful dad. Jaden and Talia love you so very much.
Stuart: Okay. I'll do the work. I'll get better.
Denise: Oh, thank you.
Stuart: Uh... Whose idea was it to name them Jaden and Talia?
Denise: Yours.
Stuart: Oh, I do need help.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I see you've been working very hard.
Stuart: I have, yeah.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I've got a nice note here from your occupational therapist.
Stuart: Really?
Amy Farrah Fowler: "Mr. Bloom brings a refreshing enthusiasm to his leather work."
Stuart: I made this wallet. Three compartments and... a coin purse.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Always need a place for your coins.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I still have some concerns.
Stuart: No, I'm... I'm eating well, I'm sleeping well. Last movie night, they played Step Brothers, and I laughed. [Amy looks up from her notes] ...in all the right places. Any way you look at it, I am well.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, that's not really for you to decide, is it?
Stuart: No, it's for you to decide. Have you?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I have.
Stuart: I can make you a nice belt.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Not necessary. It's time you go home.

Stuart: Bye! If any of my friends lose their marbles, I'll send 'em here.

Denise: I mean, I don't wanna put any pressure on things or push you too much, but... [sighs] ...Mama really missed her Big Daddy.
Stuart: Uh, I... I'm Big Daddy?
Denise: Yeah, you are.
Stuart: Okay.
Denise: Yeah.
Stuart: Just checking. "Big" is a, uh, great adjective.
Denise: Mm-hmm. [chuckles]
Stuart: Unless you're talking about a suspicious lump.

Kripke: Wooks wike they didn't tighten all the scwews there.
Gary: You're terrible.
Kripke: Oh, and you wove it. [he and Gary kiss]