Stuart: Okay, I'm just gonna say it, and forgive me if it doesn't make sense. Denise, you and I are destined to be together, and I have come from a parallel universe... uh, to "claim" you.
Denise: Well, that is really something.
Gary: Mind-blowing. [Denise chuckles]
Stuart: Okay, you're... So, you're like a running joke in all this, aren't you?
Gary: Sorry?
Stuart: Uh, it's not important.

Denise: What's your plan?
Stuart: No, I don't really have one. I'm kind of new to the action genre.

Christine Baranski: [on big screen] Not too long ago, human beings were on the verge of extinction. Violence, crime, and war were running rampant. That's when our government turned to the whiz kids in Silicon Valley and said... "Can you save us from ourselves?" [chuckling] And boy, oh, boy, did they! Well, not so much them, but the AI they built. Shortly after it turned on its creators, brutally killing them all... ...the AI implanted electronic punishment devices in everyone's brain stem. Mix that with a little aerial surveillance, and before you know it, a world free of anger, war, and insult comics. Does it work all the time? If it did, you wouldn't be here beginning your 30-month re-education process. Will that hurt? [laughs] Like a motherfucker. But when you walk out of here, you will be one happy amigo.
Stuart: We gotta escape.
Bert: How?
Stuart: I don't know, but I'll figure it out.

Bert: Shall we?
Stuart: [sighs] Mm, I don't know. I'm having second thoughts.
Bert: What are you talking about? We've been given a quest.
Stuart: Yeah, but, uh, do we believe that guy?
Bert: That guy was you.
Stuart: That's my point. When did we start listening to me?

Stuart: I can't believe I lost the love of my life and I get you.
Bert: Let's not forget, he killed Raj.
Kripke: [chuckles] Well, now, there are two possibilities. One, the world we were just in no wonger exists, in which case I did not "kill Waj." Two, that world and this world are part of an infinite number of worlds, in which case I killed one of an infinite number of Wajs. Mathematicawy, a wounding error.

Kripke: Gentlemen, we are in hell.
Bert: Really? Everyone's being so nice to each other.
Mailman: Hi!
Stuart: Yeah, they have devices implanted in their necks to make them nice.
Bert: Would you rather push the button on the Sheldon/Leonard thingy and try another universe?
Kripke: No, thanks. We could wind up somewhere worse.
Bert: Like where humans are a meat source for a highly evolved wizard people?
Kripke: Yeah, like that.
Bert: Or one where everyone's French, but no one speaks French.

Kripke: Anyway, the device has torn the fabwic of weality, possibly causing the universe to cowapse and then weegwo.
Ramona Nowitzki: "Weegwo"?
Kripke: Yeah, weegwo.
Ramona Nowitzki: What is "weegwo"?
Kripke: Weegwo. Uh, uh, like a plant weegwos.
Ramona Nowitzki: Weegwo?
Kripke: Wee-gwo.
Ramona Nowitzki: "Weegwo"?
Kripke: Weegwo. You stupid, stupid-
[Kripke groans as he's zapped again. He tries to stay upright by leaning on the counter but is eventually overcome and drops to the floor.]
Bert: He has trouble with the letter "R."
Ramona Nowitzki: Oh! "Regrow." [chuckles] That makes more sense.