Kripke: What's happening?
Stuart: You gotta try this.
Kripke: You're kidding?
Stuart: Just try it.
Kripke: [eats] This is the best damn thing I've ever put in my mouth... [with rhotacism] ...and I've put some cwazy shit in my mouth.

Soldier #1: All kneel... for the Grand Caliph of South Pasadena, Flintridge, and Monrovia! The Supreme Ruler of the San Gabriel Valley!
Denise: I'm not kneeling for anybody!
[The guard fires a warning shot in the air. Denise gasps and they all kneel down.]
Denise: Okay, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Kripke: Hello, pwisoners.
Stuart: Kripke?
Soldier #1: Ward Kripke.
Kripke: Not Ward. "Word."
Soldier #1: What... What'd I say?
Kripke: You said "Ward," and...

Denise: But this world is a living nightmare. Don't you wanna put things right?
Kripke: Were you not wistening? I... I got all the girls. [chuckles] By the way, uh... uh, are you...you seeing anyone or...?
Stuart: She's with me.
Denise: No, I'm not.
Stuart: [in singsong] I... I'm trying to protect you.
Bert: Hmm.
Kripke: Take the wench, wash her, bring her to my woom.
Denise: [scoffs] I'd rather die!
Kripke: I understand. Wash her and kill her.

Stuart: I can't believe I lost the love of my life and I get you.
Bert: Let's not forget, he killed Raj.
Kripke: [chuckles] Well, now, there are two possibilities. One, the world we were just in no wonger exists, in which case I did not "kill Waj." Two, that world and this world are part of an infinite number of worlds, in which case I killed one of an infinite number of Wajs. Mathematicawy, a wounding error.

Bert: I've been doing a little research. It turns out this universe is pretty close to ours before the apocalypse. Couple of differences. Baseball doesn't have a DH rule and they don't have Skechers Slip-Ins. That's a drag.
Kripke: Are you weaving anything out there, buddy?
Bert: Uh, let's see. Oh, okay. John Cougar is still John Cougar. He never went back to Mellencamp.

Kripke: We don't wanna stay in Cowtown.
Denise: Why not?
Bert: We did pretty good in those other universes.
Kripke: I had sex in three out of five of them, and granted, one was with Gary, but he's a very genewous wover.

Raj Koothrappali: Everybody, listen to me! The universe is collapsing. We're running out of time! We must take action before it's too late. No one is safe. Ignore me all you want, but it's coming for you! The end times are near, people!
Denise: Look, it's Raj.
Stuart: Oh, he's not dead here. That's nice.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, you think you can go on? Living your little lives in your little houses? It's coming for you! It's coming for all of you!