Stuart: What are you doing here?
Raj Koothrappali: Isn't it obvious? I'm in a locked room. I haven't changed my underwear in years, and I crap in a bucket!
Bert: So, you're like a prisoner?
Raj Koothrappali: I rode an elephant to my wedding and now I crap in a bucket!
Bert: Congratulations. Uh, on the wedding thing.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, a moth ate her.

Bert: Stuart, please come back.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, move towards the light!
Stuart: No.

Raj Koothrappali: Everybody, listen to me! The universe is collapsing. We're running out of time! We must take action before it's too late. No one is safe. Ignore me all you want, but it's coming for you! The end times are near, people!
Denise: Look, it's Raj.
Stuart: Oh, he's not dead here. That's nice.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, you think you can go on? Living your little lives in your little houses? It's coming for you! It's coming for all of you!

Raj Koothrappali: Are you familiar with the galaxy GN-z11?
Stuart: Um, no.
Denise: No.
Raj Koothrappali: It's the most distant galaxy the Hubble telescope can see, and guess what?
Stuart: Mm...
Raj Koothrappali: Don't bother. It's a rhetorical question. The whole damn thing... gone.
Denise: How can a galaxy disappear?
Stuart: You sure the Hubble telescope doesn't have some schmutz on it?
Raj Koothrappali: It's the Hubble! It doesn't have schmutz!
Stuart: Schmutz happens to everything.

Stuart: Denise. Where's Denise?
Bert: They took her.
Stuart: No, no! No, no, no, no! [stammers] I have to do something!
Raj Koothrappali: Or...
Stuart: Or what?
Raj Koothrappali: You move on, you meet someone new, and they get eaten by a moth on your honeymoon.

Bert: Excuse me, I have an idea.
Stuart: Go ahead.
Bert: Like I said, this used to be my Geology classroom. It's filled with all kinds of rock samples.
Raj Koothrappali: So, we're gonna throw rocks at men with guns? 'Cause if you don't know, rock beats scissors, not gun.

Raj Koothrappali: It means there isn't much time before everything we know and love is gone.
Denise: Well, how much time are we talking about?
Raj Koothrappali: Not a lot, guys. Three to four hundred years.
Stuart: Oh, buddy, even if you're right, we'll all be dead. Who cares?
Raj Koothrappali: "Who cares"? I'll tell you who cares. Your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great-grandchildren. Oh, no. One more great.

Raj Koothrappali: Don't you get it? The universe is ending, and there's nothing we can do about it.
Stuart: Nothing?
Raj Koothrappali: Not a damn thing.
Stuart: Okay. Well... good to see you.
Raj Koothrappali: Good to see you. [they fist bump] [Raj chuckles]
Denise: Good luck with all this.
Raj Koothrappali: Thanks.
Denise: Okay.
[Raj steps up back on his soapbox]
Raj Koothrappali: We're all going to die!

Raj Koothrappali: Can you keep it down?
Stuart: Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe. Possibly. Who wants to know?
Stuart: Raj, it's me, Stuart, from the comic book store.
Raj Koothrappali: Stuart?
Stuart: Yes, and... and Bert Kibbler. You know Bert?
Raj Koothrappali: Bert?
Stuart: And Denise. Remember Denise?
Raj Koothrappali: [chuckles deliriously] This isn't real. [stammers] This is... this is a hallucination!
Stuart: No. No, no, no. We're here. It's real.
Bert: That's kind of what a hallucination would say. [Stuart looks at Bert to suggest "Why would you say that?"]

Raj Koothrappali: Pay attention! Leonard, Sheldon, and Howard. They built a vari-state quantum interference device.
Bert: That would have been my guess.
Raj Koothrappali: It malfunctioned, and it changed everything, right? The universe, uh, history... [whispers] ...reality.
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, great. How... How do we fix it?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, that's a toughie. Why you ask? [pants] Wait, did you ask? I assume you ask. It's a toughie because we're all prisoners of the Evil One. And the Evil One likes everything to stay just... [whispers] ...as it is.
Denise: Who's the Evil One?
Raj Koothrappali: [groans] I can't say his name! If I say his name, bad things happen.
Stuart: [sighs] Sorry, is it Voldemort?
Raj Koothrappali: I wish it was Voldemort. That's a guy you can reason with.

Bert: We're not gonna throw rocks. We're gonna make bombs out of them.
Stuart: What?
Bert: Behold. Potassium. And some water. Everybody needs to step back a little, please.
[Bert chuckles after he drops the piece of potassium into a bucket of water, causing an explosion and a fountain of water and gas to shoot out of the bucket]
Bert: Cool, huh?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, if the guards are taking a bath.
Bert: No. We're gonna make grenades.
Raj Koothrappali: How come I never thought of that?
Bert: Don't be hard on yourself. Most people underestimate the mighty force that is geology.

Stuart: Raj, talk to me, buddy!
Raj Koothrappali: [breathes heavily] I'm okay. I'm okay.
[Raj lifts up his long beard and sees the bleeding exit wound on his chest]
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe not.
Stuart: Raj? [Bert and Kripke continue fighting] What do we do? How do we fix the machine?
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, look! It's my grandmother, Ambulu, beckoning me to join her!
Stuart: Ca... Can... Can she wait a minute?
Raj Koothrappali: [groans]
Denise: Apparently not.