Kripke: What's happening?
Stuart: You gotta try this.
Kripke: You're kidding?
Stuart: Just try it.
Kripke: [eats] This is the best damn thing I've ever put in my mouth... [with rhotacism] ...and I've put some cwazy shit in my mouth.

Bert: I've been doing a little research. It turns out this universe is pretty close to ours before the apocalypse. Couple of differences. Baseball doesn't have a DH rule and they don't have Skechers Slip-Ins. That's a drag.
Kripke: Are you weaving anything out there, buddy?
Bert: Uh, let's see. Oh, okay. John Cougar is still John Cougar. He never went back to Mellencamp.

Kripke: We don't wanna stay in Cowtown.
Denise: Why not?
Bert: We did pretty good in those other universes.
Kripke: I had sex in three out of five of them, and granted, one was with Gary, but he's a very genewous wover.

Raj Koothrappali: Everybody, listen to me! The universe is collapsing. We're running out of time! We must take action before it's too late. No one is safe. Ignore me all you want, but it's coming for you! The end times are near, people!
Denise: Look, it's Raj.
Stuart: Oh, he's not dead here. That's nice.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, you think you can go on? Living your little lives in your little houses? It's coming for you! It's coming for all of you!

Raj Koothrappali: Are you familiar with the galaxy GN-z11?
Stuart: Um, no.
Denise: No.
Raj Koothrappali: It's the most distant galaxy the Hubble telescope can see, and guess what?
Stuart: Mm...
Raj Koothrappali: Don't bother. It's a rhetorical question. The whole damn thing... gone.
Denise: How can a galaxy disappear?
Stuart: You sure the Hubble telescope doesn't have some schmutz on it?
Raj Koothrappali: It's the Hubble! It doesn't have schmutz!
Stuart: Schmutz happens to everything.

Stuart Prime: So, you want to explain to me why you gave the Leonard/Sheldon thingy to Bert and Kripke?
Stuart: Uh, well, we decided to stay here.
Stuart Prime: Oh, okay, cool! "We decided to stay here. It's great. I don't have to save the universe. I can just chew my frickin' cud."
Denise: [scoffs] Other you's kind of a dick.

Stuart: So, you think I should do it?
Denise: I didn't say that.
Stuart: Denise, I'm not a hero. I'm a broke-ass failed artist who owns a comic book store. In fact, I'm such a failure, in every universe we go to, I own a comic book store.
Denise: No argument.
Stuart: You can argue a little.

Stuart: Oh, uh, just one more thing. Kyle, Trevor. Denise and I are gonna leave this universe 'cause I'm on a mission to prevent the destruction of reality itself.
Kyle: Okay.
Trevor: Sure, yeah.
Denise: You really don't have any questions?
Trevor: I got one. This Batman #608 has a water stain. Any flexibility on price?
Stuart: No. Goodbye, guys.
[After Stuart activates the machine, he and Denise are absorbed by an interdimensional bubble and disappear with the device]
Kyle: I think you can just take it.

Denise: What kind of universe is this?
Kripke: I don't think we made it to another universe. I think we're stuck between universes.
Denise: What exists between universes?
Kripke: Best guess? Sort of an interdimensional taint? Think of it like being stuck between the balls of one universe and the asshole of another.
Denise: You're disgusting!

Denise: Get us out of here!
Bert: We tried. The machine is not working.
Stuart: Because you haven't been chosen to save the universe!
Kripke: Oh, and you have?
Stuart: Denise, tell 'em!
Denise: It's true! He's him!
Stuart: Think of me like Neo, or maybe Jesus.
Denise: Oh, Jesus? Really? Just push the button!

Denise: So, what would we do if we stayed here?
Stuart: I would run a comic book store, you'd work with me, Bert would be a geologist, and Kripke'd be an asshole.
Kripke: Mm, asshole's more of a hobby than a vocation. [gags, gulps]

Kripke: So, uh... I guess this is goodbye.
Stuart: I guess so.
Kripke: Listen, I know I haven't been the best twaveling companion.
Denise: And?
Kripke: And what?
Stuart: Goodbye, Kripke.
Kripke: Okay.

Raj Koothrappali: It means there isn't much time before everything we know and love is gone.
Denise: Well, how much time are we talking about?
Raj Koothrappali: Not a lot, guys. Three to four hundred years.
Stuart: Oh, buddy, even if you're right, we'll all be dead. Who cares?
Raj Koothrappali: "Who cares"? I'll tell you who cares. Your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great-grandchildren. Oh, no. One more great.

Bert: Wanna play a game?
Kripke: What?
Bert: You know, pass the time.
Kripke: You're kidding?
Bert: When I was a kid on car trips, my mom and I would play 20 questions.
Kripke: I'm not pwaying 20 questions while we're falling through an endwess void.
Bert: Okay. [whooshing continues]
Kripke: Okay, screw it. I got one.
Bert: Great. Is it something you eat?
Kripke: No.
Bert: I give up.

Stuart Prime: Okay. [clears throat] You know what? I'm gonna explain this as simply as I can. [inhales deeply] Because you are entangled with the primary incident of divergence at a quantum level...
[Denise gags, gulps] [Stuart munches] ...you are inextricably bound to the potential resolution of the fragmentation of the multi-state universe. You get what I'm saying? [Stuart and Denise shake their heads] You're the only one who can save the universe.
Stuart: Yeah, well... [sighs] ...maybe I don't want to.
Stuart Prime: You have to.
Stuart: Is there someone else I can talk to?
Stuart Prime: Like my manager? I'm a projection from a collapsing adjacent reality. Does that sound like someone who has a manager?
Denise: Well, maybe not a manager, but there must've been someone who told you what time to come in today. [Stuart Prime groans]

Stuart: Look. Even if I wanted to save the universe, I don't have the device anymore.
Stuart Prime: So order another one!
Stuart: How can there be another one?
Stuart Prime: How can this conversation be happening?
Stuart: [sighs] You-- You're not listening to me. I'm done with the Leonard/Sheldon thingy and the universe hopping and you! Mostly you.
[As Stuart walks away, Stuart Prime starts to walk after him]
Denise: Don't. Let me talk to you.

Bert: Seventh grade, I had a teacher. Mr. Morinelli. He's the one who inspired me to start a geology club. Uh, it didn't really catch on at first. It was just me and Karen Hartman and Larry O'Malley. He had a twin brother. Can't remember his name. [whooshing] It rhymed with Larry. It was like Barry or Harry.
Kripke: Oh, God, just wet me hit the gwound.
Bert: Gary! Gary O'Malley! That's it. I knew I'd remember it.

Gary: Stuart Bloom?
Stuart: Yes, sir.
Gary: [sighs] You want to sign for this?
Stuart: Gary.
Gary: All day long.
Stuart: Denise, look. It's Gary.
Denise: I see.
Gary: Do I know you guys?
Denise: We were married in another universe. Didn't work out.
Stuart: There's also, uh, another version of you who knew another version of her.
Gary: Uh-huh.
Stuart: But he's dead.
Denise: Mm.
Gary: I hate this job.

Denise: That was really great.
Stuart: Yeah. In the middle there, did... did you moo?
Denise: I did. You made me moo.
Stuart: I think it's the vegetarian diet. I'm more peppy.
Denise: You sure are. I worked up an appetite.
Stuart: You want some hay? I've got some hay.

Raj Koothrappali: Don't you get it? The universe is ending, and there's nothing we can do about it.
Stuart: Nothing?
Raj Koothrappali: Not a damn thing.
Stuart: Okay. Well... good to see you.
Raj Koothrappali: Good to see you. [they fist bump] [Raj chuckles]
Denise: Good luck with all this.
Raj Koothrappali: Thanks.
Denise: Okay.
[Raj steps up back on his soapbox]
Raj Koothrappali: We're all going to die!