Bert: This can't be happening! Rain! Please, rain! [a downpour starts directly above Bert] Yes! Yes! Yes!
Keith: He called forth rain!
Female Mob Attendee: He controls the heavens.
Male Mob Attendee: He has the power! [all bow]

Kripke: Gentlemen, we are in hell.
Bert: Really? Everyone's being so nice to each other.
Mailman: Hi!
Stuart: Yeah, they have devices implanted in their necks to make them nice.
Bert: Would you rather push the button on the Sheldon/Leonard thingy and try another universe?
Kripke: No, thanks. We could wind up somewhere worse.
Bert: Like where humans are a meat source for a highly evolved wizard people?
Kripke: Yeah, like that.
Bert: Or one where everyone's French, but no one speaks French.

Denise: Funny story, actually, uh, Gary was seeing my friend Lisa.
Gary: Oh, nice girl. Yeah, Jewish.
Denise: Yeah, and anyway, Lisa got eaten by cannibals in Sherman Oaks.
Stuart: Oh, no.
Denise: Mm-hmm.
Bert: Human meat isn't kosher, but I guess that only matters if the cannibals are also Jewish.

Bert: [thinking] Weird that Kripke's thoughts have a speech impediment.

Kripke: We gotta get out of here.
Stuart: Why? It's not such a bad world. We could chill here for a while.
Kripke: Stuart, the people here think science is evil.
Stuart: How's that different from our world?

Wil Wheaton: [voice echoes] Stuart Bloom!
Stuart: Wil Wheaton?
Wil Wheaton: Did you give blood to Bernadette Rostenkowski?
Stuart: A little. Why?
Wil Wheaton: Oh, you stupid, stupid man. The guild sanctioned her for a reason.
Kripke: Oh, yeah, the dog. [nods]
Wil Wheaton: What dog? She's a demon.
Stuart: Oh, she can be a little bitchy. I wouldn't call her a demon.

Stuart: Besides, we can't leave without Bert and Denise.
Kripke: [chuckles] Bert will be fine, and you can always get a new Denise in the next universe. They're a dime a dozen.
Stuart: No, I want this one. She's got a little problem with the sauce, but so did my mom. Maybe that's why I'm finding her so attractive.