Keith: There are legends of sorcerers capable of controlling the weather, but no one's ever witnessed it.
Bert: Wait. So you guys think that I'm the one who made it...? [mob agreeing] 'Cause I did. [mob laughs] Rain, snow, hail... I do all your precipitation.
Female Mob Attendee: Are you in league with a demon?
Bert: Oh, no, I just ask nicely. You know, "Please rain." [it rains] [mob gasps] Ta-da!

Kripke: Gentlemen, we are in hell.
Bert: Really? Everyone's being so nice to each other.
Mailman: Hi!
Stuart: Yeah, they have devices implanted in their necks to make them nice.
Bert: Would you rather push the button on the Sheldon/Leonard thingy and try another universe?
Kripke: No, thanks. We could wind up somewhere worse.
Bert: Like where humans are a meat source for a highly evolved wizard people?
Kripke: Yeah, like that.
Bert: Or one where everyone's French, but no one speaks French.

Denise: Funny story, actually, uh, Gary was seeing my friend Lisa.
Gary: Oh, nice girl. Yeah, Jewish.
Denise: Yeah, and anyway, Lisa got eaten by cannibals in Sherman Oaks.
Stuart: Oh, no.
Denise: Mm-hmm.
Bert: Human meat isn't kosher, but I guess that only matters if the cannibals are also Jewish.

Bert: You know, in another universe, I worked in this building.
Ramona Nowitzki: Really? In what department?
Bert: Geology.
Ramona Nowitzki: Oh, that's not in this building anymore.
Bert: W... Why not?
Ramona Nowitzki: They needed to make room for the important sciences.
Bert: Uh, geology is an important science.
Ramona Nowitzki: And yet they moved it into the storage room behind the gym.
Bert: [raises voice] W- W- Why would you take a field of study that examines the [voice cracking] physical structure of the planet...
[As Bert is shocked for the first time, he groans, grabs hold of the counter and falls back. Ramona Nowitzki drinks her coffee as he writhes around in pain.]
Kripke: Nice twy, Dumbo.
[Kripke is shocked and falls to the ground. He and Bert are both lying face up on the floor, wiggling around in pain]

Kripke: We gotta get out of here.
Stuart: Why? It's not such a bad world. We could chill here for a while.
Kripke: Stuart, the people here think science is evil.
Stuart: How's that different from our world?

Wil Wheaton: [voice echoes] Stuart Bloom!
Stuart: Wil Wheaton?
Wil Wheaton: Did you give blood to Bernadette Rostenkowski?
Stuart: A little. Why?
Wil Wheaton: Oh, you stupid, stupid man. The guild sanctioned her for a reason.
Kripke: Oh, yeah, the dog. [nods]
Wil Wheaton: What dog? She's a demon.
Stuart: Oh, she can be a little bitchy. I wouldn't call her a demon.

Stuart: Besides, we can't leave without Bert and Denise.
Kripke: [chuckles] Bert will be fine, and you can always get a new Denise in the next universe. They're a dime a dozen.
Stuart: No, I want this one. She's got a little problem with the sauce, but so did my mom. Maybe that's why I'm finding her so attractive.