Bernadette Rostenkowski: Blood of an innocent. Not a lot. Two teaspoons. Maybe a cup.
Kripke: Bwood of an innocent. [groans] I'm out.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: How about you?
Stuart: Me? No. [clears throat] No, I'm not innocent. I've had-- I've had girlfriends.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: How many?
Stuart: Mm, um... [sputters] Hmm. Mm... [sputters] One.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I can work with that.
Kripke: You heard the wady. Start bweeding.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [munching] So, what's up, buttercup?
Stuart: Well, this is gonna sound crazy, but we've got this machine that allows you to travel between alternate universes.
Kripke: And we just need a wittle abwacadabwa to jump-start the damn thing.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm all out of abracadabra.
Kripke: Word on the street is you're wike a worwd-wenowned sowcewess.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Used to be.
Stuart: What happened?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not that it's any of your business, but the Wizards Guild of America claimed I used my powers while we were on strike.
Kripke: What were you on strike for?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Better dental, residuals for eternal spells. It's ridiculous. We were out for six months, and basically, everyone got a handful of magic beans.

Stuart: So, did you use your powers during the strike?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: My neighbor's son had a dog. A little rescue. Adorable. Called him Chocolate Chip because he kind of looked like a cookie. [Stuart and Kripke chuckle softly] Anyway, he ran out into traffic and a car hit him.
Stuart: Hmm.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Then another car. [Stuart exhales] Then another one. Then another one.
Stuart: Got it. Cars.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: The kid's crying. I couldn't stand there and do nothing. So, I used my powers to bring Chocolate Chip back to life.
Kripke: I don't see how that's bweaking a stwike.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Exactly. Let me tell you something about Wizards Guild of America. Ninety percent of them don't even work, and yet they get to vote.
Kripke: [whispers] Ninety. Wow.

Abramowitz the Grey: [over TV] Have you or a loved one been injured by a defective spell or faulty incantation? Call me, Abramowitz the Grey. Over 700 years' experience in magical litigation. [banging on door]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Now what? [answers door] Oh. Hey, Stuart. Kripke.
Stuart: You know us?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Of course, I know you. What do you want?
Stuart: Can we come in?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm kind of busy, but okay. Excuse the mess. I gave up giving a shit.

Kripke: We gotta get out of here.
Stuart: Why? It's not such a bad world. We could chill here for a while.
Kripke: Stuart, the people here think science is evil.
Stuart: How's that different from our world?

Wil Wheaton: [voice echoes] Stuart Bloom!
Stuart: Wil Wheaton?
Wil Wheaton: Did you give blood to Bernadette Rostenkowski?
Stuart: A little. Why?
Wil Wheaton: Oh, you stupid, stupid man. The guild sanctioned her for a reason.
Kripke: Oh, yeah, the dog. [nods]
Wil Wheaton: What dog? She's a demon.
Stuart: Oh, she can be a little bitchy. I wouldn't call her a demon.

Stuart: Besides, we can't leave without Bert and Denise.
Kripke: [chuckles] Bert will be fine, and you can always get a new Denise in the next universe. They're a dime a dozen.
Stuart: No, I want this one. She's got a little problem with the sauce, but so did my mom. Maybe that's why I'm finding her so attractive.