Bert: [thinking] Weird that Kripke's thoughts have a speech impediment.

Stuart: Now, the instructions that came with the device are a message from whoever's trying to help me.
Kripke: [thinking] Wook at me, PhD from Stanford, and I'm taking orders from a guy who wuns a comic book store.
Stuart: You wanna be in charge, Kripke?
Kripke: [out loud] No, you're doing fine. [thinking] I'll just wait for you to fail, then make fun of you.
Stuart: Thank you. [Kripke nods his head]

Ramona Nowitzki: I don't have a Howard Wolowitz.
Stuart: Are you sure?
Ramona Nowitzki: I'll check again. [keyboard keys clacking] [thinking] I'm not really checking again. Just trying to be polite.
Stuart: Huh.
Ramona Nowitzki: [out loud] Nope. No Howard Wolowitz.
Stuart: Could you give us a minute?
Ramona Nowitzki: No problem. I'll be here. [thinking] Until I drop dead because I married a drummer, and this is the only way we have health insurance.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: What is wrong with you girls? Come on, pick up your feet. You're like a bunch of baby hippos.
Rebecca: [thinking] Die, bitch, die.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You think about your mother with that mind?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: All right, take five, drink some juice, drink some vodka. I don't care. [to the group] Can I help you?
Stuart: You don't know us?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Were we in rehab together? 'Cause a lot of that's a blur.
Bert: You're Bernadette Rostenkowski?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's my maiden name. My married name is Bernadette Asshole.

Denise: Does Mr. Asshole possibly also go by Howard Wolowitz?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Who?
Kripke: He's an engineer, wooks wike a garden gnome with a Beatles haircut.

Bert: [thinking] What happened to you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'll tell you what happened, Sasquatch. I had an alcoholic mother try to live out her dreams by dressing me up, shoving me in beauty pageants, feeding me diet pills to keep me skinny, all so I could become Miss California Quiznos 1999.
Denise: [thinking] Aw.
Stuart: [thinking] Sad.
Bert: [still thinking] Quiznos. Yum.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Here I am, teaching pampered little maggots how to tap, which is pointless, since the only dancing they're ever gonna do is on the pole.
Girl #1: [thinking] Oh, no.
Girl #2: [thinking] What?
Girl #3: [thinking] Mommy.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Ah, shut your brain holes.
Stuart: We're sorry to have wasted your time.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [thinking] Wouldn't be a waste of time if you killed me. [out loud] Have a great day. All right, future eating disorders, let's get back to work.

Bert: So what's the plan?
Stuart: It's simple. We break into the engineering department and steal the components. [thinking] Simple, my ass. We can't break in. And even if we could, we don't know what we're looking for. And even if we knew, we don't know how to put it together. And let's say we put it together, we don't know how to operate it. And even if we figure out how to get in, what we're looking for, how to put it together, and how to operate it, we don't know where we're going! [out loud] Any questions?
Kripke: No, I think we're good.

Stuart: Okay, guys. Clearly, we're gonna have to control our thoughts in this world.
Kripke: [with rhotacism] Absowutewy.
Denise: Good idea.
Bert: [thinking] This reminds me of a movie. What was the name of that movie?
Stuart: Bert, focus.
Bert: [out loud] Um, sorry. [thinking] It had that girl in it. The one who's married to what's-his-name in real life. Phoebe Cates. Nope, not Phoebe Cates.

Kripke: Too bad Wadioshack went out of business.
Bert: [thinking] [chuckles] "Wadioshack."
Kripke: Hey!
Bert: [out loud] Sorry. It's hard to not think. It's like you tell somebody, don't think of a pink elephant.
All: [overlapping] Pink elephant?
Bert: [thinking] See?

Stuart: I guess she's not a microbiologist in this universe.
Kripke: [thinking] Your observation skills are bweathtaking.
Denise: Barry, really?
Kripke: [out loud] I think 'em wike I see 'em.

Bert: [thinking] Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Boy, that was a good movie.
Kripke: [thinking] Ah! The pool scene where she takes her top off.
Denise: [thinking] So hot. [out loud; off Stuart's look] Sexuality exists on a continuum.

Kripke: [thinking] True. Wob Wowe's on my continuum. [out loud] No, he's not. I do not want to kiss Wob Wowe. [thinking] On his pouty wips.

Denise: [thinking] Look at my man taking charge.
Stuart: [thinking] Look at Denise looking at me taking charge.

Kripke: [thinking] You smell just like my mother. [sniffs]
Ramona Nowitzki: I'm sorry?
Kripke: [still thinking] You heard me.
Stuart: Please stop thinking.

Denise: [thinking] I think I can get past the weak chin. I want his children.
Stuart: [thinking] Seriously?
Denise: [still thinking] I wouldn't think it if I didn't mean it.
Bert: Aw.

Kripke: I see what to do here. We can jewwy-wig something out of a satewwite controwwer.
Stuart: Mm. Where do we find a satellite controller?
Kripke: That's easy. Engineering department at Caltech.
Stuart: Great, then that's where we're going.
Kripke: [thinking] "Great, and that's where we're going."
Stuart: Real mature.
Kripke: [still thinking] "Weal mature."
Stuart: [thinking] Asshole.

Kripke: [thinking] Man. I'd wike to take her home, wip her cwothes off and finish prematurely, then cwy wike a baby when she gets in a cab and weaves.
Denise: Ew.

Bert: Nope. No Howard Wolowitz anywhere.
Stuart: [thinking] Well, we're screwed. [out loud] Well, we're screwed.
Denise: [thinking] Honey, we heard you. [out loud] Honey, we heard you.