Bernadette Rostenkowski: All right, take five, drink some juice, drink some vodka. I don't care. [to the group] Can I help you?
Stuart: You don't know us?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Were we in rehab together? 'Cause a lot of that's a blur.
Bert: You're Bernadette Rostenkowski?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's my maiden name. My married name is Bernadette Asshole.

Bert: [thinking] What happened to you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'll tell you what happened, Sasquatch. I had an alcoholic mother try to live out her dreams by dressing me up, shoving me in beauty pageants, feeding me diet pills to keep me skinny, all so I could become Miss California Quiznos 1999.
Denise: [thinking] Aw.
Stuart: [thinking] Sad.
Bert: [still thinking] Quiznos. Yum.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: What is wrong with you girls? Come on, pick up your feet. You're like a bunch of baby hippos.
Rebecca: [thinking] Die, bitch, die.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You think about your mother with that mind?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [munching] So, what's up, buttercup?
Stuart: Well, this is gonna sound crazy, but we've got this machine that allows you to travel between alternate universes.
Kripke: And we just need a wittle abwacadabwa to jump-start the damn thing.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm all out of abracadabra.
Kripke: Word on the street is you're wike a worwd-wenowned sowcewess.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Used to be.
Stuart: What happened?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not that it's any of your business, but the Wizards Guild of America claimed I used my powers while we were on strike.
Kripke: What were you on strike for?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Better dental, residuals for eternal spells. It's ridiculous. We were out for six months, and basically, everyone got a handful of magic beans.

Ramona Nowitzki: I don't have a Howard Wolowitz.
Stuart: Are you sure?
Ramona Nowitzki: I'll check again. [keyboard keys clacking] [thinking] I'm not really checking again. Just trying to be polite.
Stuart: Huh.
Ramona Nowitzki: [out loud] Nope. No Howard Wolowitz.
Stuart: Could you give us a minute?
Ramona Nowitzki: No problem. I'll be here. [thinking] Until I drop dead because I married a drummer, and this is the only way we have health insurance.

Stuart: Now, the instructions that came with the device are a message from whoever's trying to help me.
Kripke: [thinking] Wook at me, PhD from Stanford, and I'm taking orders from a guy who wuns a comic book store.
Stuart: You wanna be in charge, Kripke?
Kripke: [out loud] No, you're doing fine. [thinking] I'll just wait for you to fail, then make fun of you.
Stuart: Thank you. [Kripke nods his head]

Bert: [thinking] Weird that Kripke's thoughts have a speech impediment.