Bert: Check it out. The Justice League are all centaurs. Superman centaur, Batman centaur, Green Lantern centaur.
Stuart: Yeah, we got it.
Bert: Aquaman centaur, but he's a seahorse.

Kripke: Gentlemen, we are in hell.
Bert: Really? Everyone's being so nice to each other.
Mailman: Hi!
Stuart: Yeah, they have devices implanted in their necks to make them nice.
Bert: Would you rather push the button on the Sheldon/Leonard thingy and try another universe?
Kripke: No, thanks. We could wind up somewhere worse.
Bert: Like where humans are a meat source for a highly evolved wizard people?
Kripke: Yeah, like that.
Bert: Or one where everyone's French, but no one speaks French.

Denise: Funny story, actually, uh, Gary was seeing my friend Lisa.
Gary: Oh, nice girl. Yeah, Jewish.
Denise: Yeah, and anyway, Lisa got eaten by cannibals in Sherman Oaks.
Stuart: Oh, no.
Denise: Mm-hmm.
Bert: Human meat isn't kosher, but I guess that only matters if the cannibals are also Jewish.

Kripke: Oh, shit.
Denise: How long do we have to stay here?
Bert: Just until we follow ourselves so that they, which is we, run to the centaur world where they become us.
Kripke: I don't understand.
Stuart: No one understands!

Kripke: So, where is this other machine, oh, gwowious weader?
Stuart: Can you not be an asshole for, like, a minute?
Kripke: I'd wike to, but, uh, it's kind of my brand.

Sergeant: Charlie Company, fall in! All right, listen up! Lieutenant has a few words to say.
Gary: Thank you, Sergeant. Charlie Company, there's no easy way to say this. Alpha Company didn't make it back. Bravo Company didn't make it back. And if you're familiar with the alphabet, you're up.
Kripke: Ah, shit.
Gary: We're outgunned. We're outmanned. And we're facing a lethal and merciless enemy. All right. We're gonna say a little prayer. Everybody take a knee. Atheists, sit, stand. Your choice. [all kneel] Lord, we're probably coming home to you today. [Sergeant nods] 'Cause near as I can figure, we're marching straight into a monumental ass-reaming. So, polish up the pearly gates. We'll be seeing you soon.
Bert: Amen.

Captain Richard Williams: Now listen, I get that you're all shitting the proverbial brick right now. Totally understandable. But as your commanding officer, it is incumbent upon me to raise your spirits, to give you hope. So, I want you to think about this. Many years from now, overweight men will dress up in uniforms just like you're wearing. And others will dress up like the enemy. And they will reenact the battle you are about to fight. But afterwards, they'll go out for beer and wings and talk about how you died a noble death. A noble death. Kind of tickles the balls, don't it? [chuckles] All right, any questions? [Bert raises his hand] Yes, soldier.
Bert: What exactly are we fighting for?
Captain Richard Williams: Family, country, God.
Bert: What is the enemy fighting for?
Captain Richard Williams: The wrong family, the wrong country, and the wrong god. Oh, and one last thing. We're running low on morphine, so, uh, try not to get wounded. Okay, let's go kill those bastards.