Kripke: So, where is this other machine, oh, gwowious weader?
Stuart: Can you not be an asshole for, like, a minute?
Kripke: I'd wike to, but, uh, it's kind of my brand.

Sergeant: Charlie Company, fall in! All right, listen up! Lieutenant has a few words to say.
Gary: Thank you, Sergeant. Charlie Company, there's no easy way to say this. Alpha Company didn't make it back. Bravo Company didn't make it back. And if you're familiar with the alphabet, you're up.
Kripke: Ah, shit.
Gary: We're outgunned. We're outmanned. And we're facing a lethal and merciless enemy. All right. We're gonna say a little prayer. Everybody take a knee. Atheists, sit, stand. Your choice. [all kneel] Lord, we're probably coming home to you today. [Sergeant nods] 'Cause near as I can figure, we're marching straight into a monumental ass-reaming. So, polish up the pearly gates. We'll be seeing you soon.
Bert: Amen.

Captain Richard Williams: Now listen, I get that you're all shitting the proverbial brick right now. Totally understandable. But as your commanding officer, it is incumbent upon me to raise your spirits, to give you hope. So, I want you to think about this. Many years from now, overweight men will dress up in uniforms just like you're wearing. And others will dress up like the enemy. And they will reenact the battle you are about to fight. But afterwards, they'll go out for beer and wings and talk about how you died a noble death. A noble death. Kind of tickles the balls, don't it? [chuckles] All right, any questions? [Bert raises his hand] Yes, soldier.
Bert: What exactly are we fighting for?
Captain Richard Williams: Family, country, God.
Bert: What is the enemy fighting for?
Captain Richard Williams: The wrong family, the wrong country, and the wrong god. Oh, and one last thing. We're running low on morphine, so, uh, try not to get wounded. Okay, let's go kill those bastards.

Stuart: How's it looking?
Captain Siebert: I had a chance to talk to the judges, and I've examined the evidence against you.
Denise: And?
Captain Siebert: And this shouldn't take too long.
Stuart: Because we're innocent?
Captain Siebert: Sure.

Captain Siebert: Oh shit.
Denise: Oh shit? Why, "Oh shit"?
Captain Siebert: Oh shit. Her.
Bert: Look who it is. It's Penny.
Captain Siebert: You know Firing Squad Penny?
Denise: We just know her as regular Penny.

General Adams: So entered. Major, would you like to make an opening statement?
Penny: Thank you, sir. [clears throat] In front of you sit four of the most foul, pathetic, loathsome creatures to ever wear the uniform.
Bert: Ouch.
Penny: We've all been witness to their cowardice, but even more heinous was the discovery of this device, clearly a means to relay information to our enemy.

Stuart: Say something. Defend us!
Captain Siebert: Your Honors, I'd like to speak on my client's behalf.
General Adams: Go ahead.
Captain Siebert: Thank you. [Penny is twirling her hair] Do we really know what happened in the fog of war?
Penny: We have video.
Captain Siebert: Let me start again. Though clearly guilty, wouldn't we, as a nation of God-fearing men and women... ...best display our values by showing mercy to these miserable, undeserving wretches?
General Adams: No.
Captain Siebert: [to Stuart] Have you got anything?

Stuart: Your Honors, if you'll indulge me, I think I can clear this up.
General Adams: Make it quick.
Stuart: We're not from your universe. These two gentlemen and I are from a version of reality that's even worse than this one. [Penny sighs and places down her folder] There's, uh, mutants and giant moths. You don't even wanna know. And this lovely young woman is from a universe where humanity is controlled by a globe-straddling artificial intelligence.
Denise: Not helping.
Stuart: So, what you're calling desertion, cowardice in the face of the enemy, is actually us trying to bravely restore order across all universes. [the judges are silent] [Penny shakes her head] Yeah, just shoot us. [sits down]
Kripke: Hey, that was gweat. Weawy gweat.

Kripke: Oh, shit.
Denise: How long do we have to stay here?
Bert: Just until we follow ourselves so that they, which is we, run to the centaur world where they become us.
Kripke: I don't understand.
Stuart: No one understands!

Denise: Oh, no. Trevor and Kyle.
Stuart: They died how they lived, reading comics they didn't pay for.
Bert: Rest in peace, fellas.
Kripke: Gweat. We'll send fwowers. Wet's go.

Stuart: All right, here's the plan. Somewhere here are guys who look like us. We find them, we find the machine.
Bert: That's not a plan. That's just restating the premise.

Penny: Captain.
Captain Siebert: Major.
Penny: Are these your traitors?
Captain Siebert: Yes. I mean, they're presumed not to be, but yes.
Kripke: I weawy don't like the way this is going.

General Adams: Captain Siebert, can you explain what we have here?
Captain Siebert: A moment. [Stuart whispers indistinctly to Captain Siebert about the device] No.
Penny: The evidence against these four is irrefutable. The only possible penalty is death. By firing squad.
Captain Siebert: That's how she got the nickname.

General Adams: At 0800, this court martial is called to order. Major, would you please read the charges?
Penny: With pleasure. [clears throat] The defendants are charged with cowardice in the face of the enemy, desertion, espionage, murder, and mutiny.
Kripke: Espionage? When did we do espionage? [Stuart shushes him]
General Adams: These are serious charges. How does the defense plead?
Captain Siebert: A moment, Your Honor. I'm thinking guilty. Just rip the Band-Aid off.
Stuart: [to the panel] Uh, we're not guilty.

Bert: How about this? If we can find a deck of cards, I can distract them with some close-up magic.

Penny: Wha...? What? What is happening?
Bert: We're in a universe where everyone's a centaur. [Penny yelps as her back half knocks over a rack] I call it the centaur universe.

The Adversary: Their forward progress has been stopped. Your only task is to keep them here.
Kyle: Uh, question?
The Adversary: Yes, Kyle?
Kyle: Um, what if somebody wants to buy that comic book?
The Adversary: Don't sell it to them.
Trevor: What do we say?
The Adversary: You tell them it's not for sale.
Trevor: Good. That's good.
Kyle: We got your back.
Trevor: Or whatever you have.
Kyle: Your circumference.

Bert: Check it out. The Justice League are all centaurs. Superman centaur, Batman centaur, Green Lantern centaur.
Stuart: Yeah, we got it.
Bert: Aquaman centaur, but he's a seahorse.

Stuart: Kripke, what are you doing?
Kripke: Checking out my horse business. Ah! Impwessive, wight?

Gary: We're moving out at 0900. Get back to your unit.
Stuart: Uh, and... and that's where exactly?
Gary: Two klicks that way. Let's go. [jeep engine revving]
Stuart: Anybody know what a klick is?
[Bert raises his hand to explain but his friends have already started walking]