Kyle: The consciousness was deeply unhappy about creation. It hated everything about it. Uh, the planets, the stars, uh, salsa dancing. [chuckles] Vaseline, everything. It missed the peace and silence of infinite nothing.
Bert: I get that.
Kripke: What do you mean you get that?
Bert: You ever been to Costco on a Black Friday? It can be very upsetting.

Kripke: Gentlemen, we are in hell.
Bert: Really? Everyone's being so nice to each other.
Mailman: Hi!
Stuart: Yeah, they have devices implanted in their necks to make them nice.
Bert: Would you rather push the button on the Sheldon/Leonard thingy and try another universe?
Kripke: No, thanks. We could wind up somewhere worse.
Bert: Like where humans are a meat source for a highly evolved wizard people?
Kripke: Yeah, like that.
Bert: Or one where everyone's French, but no one speaks French.

Denise: Funny story, actually, uh, Gary was seeing my friend Lisa.
Gary: Oh, nice girl. Yeah, Jewish.
Denise: Yeah, and anyway, Lisa got eaten by cannibals in Sherman Oaks.
Stuart: Oh, no.
Denise: Mm-hmm.
Bert: Human meat isn't kosher, but I guess that only matters if the cannibals are also Jewish.

Bert: [thinking] Weird that Kripke's thoughts have a speech impediment.

Stuart: Where the hell are we?
Kyle: Nowhere.
Stuart: What do you mean "nowhere"?
Kyle: You know somewhere?
Stuart: Yeah.
Kyle: This ain't that.

Stuart: [groans] How's this happening to me? Denise... [sighs] I'm a simple man. I wake up in the morning, put on one of my two pairs of pants, and go to work in a comic book store that's never made a dime. Except for the year I set it on fire and collected the insurance.
Denise: Are you done wallowing?
Stuart: Don't take that away from me. It's the only thing I do well. [groans]
Denise: Enjoy.

Denise: Wait, so we're trapped here forever?
Kyle: Uh, no, no. Forever is a time. We're here always.