Stuart: Where the hell are we?
Kyle: Nowhere.
Stuart: What do you mean "nowhere"?
Kyle: You know somewhere?
Stuart: Yeah.
Kyle: This ain't that.

Kyle: The consciousness was deeply unhappy about creation. It hated everything about it. Uh, the planets, the stars, uh, salsa dancing. [chuckles] Vaseline, everything. It missed the peace and silence of infinite nothing.
Bert: I get that.
Kripke: What do you mean you get that?
Bert: You ever been to Costco on a Black Friday? It can be very upsetting.

Denise: Wait, so we're trapped here forever?
Kyle: Uh, no, no. Forever is a time. We're here always.

Stuart: [groans] How's this happening to me? Denise... [sighs] I'm a simple man. I wake up in the morning, put on one of my two pairs of pants, and go to work in a comic book store that's never made a dime. Except for the year I set it on fire and collected the insurance.
Denise: Are you done wallowing?
Stuart: Don't take that away from me. It's the only thing I do well. [groans]
Denise: Enjoy.

Stuart: [groans] Hello, fetal position, my old friend. [studio audience laughing]

Kripke: Denise, Bert, you wanna have your minds bwown?
Bert: We are in a comic book store... floating in nothingness while an omniscient consciousness is about to destroy everything that exists, so the bar for mind-blowing is pretty high.

Kripke: Uh, check it out. Your wittle trip to the nuthouse.
Kyle: Here's a good one. You're all underwater. You got gills.
Denise: We were never underwater.
Kyle: Huh. Maybe it hasn't happened yet.

Kripke: Here's a fun wittle question. Where did this food come fwom?
Kyle: Oh, Szechuan Palace.
Kripke: Uh-huh. And how did it get here?
Kyle: Uber Eats, DoorDash, one of those.
Kripke: Sure, sure. And they dewiver to comic book shops that exist outside of time and space?
Kyle: Maybe Postmates. [studio audience laughing]
[The Big Bang Theory atom interstitial]

Stuart: Is it too late for a surprise party? [studio audience laughing]
Kripke: Is this still birthday cwap?
Denise: Oh, shut up, Kripke.
Kripke: Hear me out. How do you know it's your birthday?
Denise: What do you mean, how do I know? I know.
Kripke: Really? What day is it wight now? Monday, Tuesday?
Denise: Um...
Kripke: While you mull that over, Bert, say something funny.
Bert: Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a-salted. [studio audience laughing]

Kripke: Check out the back page, Cowumbo. [studio audience laughing]
Stuart: Stuart Fails to Save the Universe, a new comedy coming to CBS this fall.
Kyle: What's CBS?
Kripke: It's an old TV thing, not the point. [studio audience laughing] Somehow, we're in a sitcom.
Stuart: I thought we were in a meaningless void.
Kripke: Same thing. [studio audience laughing]

Denise: How can we be nowhere?
Kyle: [sighs] Well... there's this thing. I don't know quite how to explain it other than as a, uh, swirling ball of omnipotent cosmic shit, and it really doesn't like you.
Bert: But it doesn't know me.
Kyle: It does. It does. It knows everything. It... It trapped you in the comic book. And when you got out, it moved the whole store to where we are now, which is where we aren't because it isn't.

Kripke: Evewything we've been through... is in these comic books. Here's "Cow Stomachs." Here's "Paradise World." We're kind of the assholes in that one. Here's one where Gawwy dies. Here's another one where Gawwy dies.
Denise: [sighs] Gary.
Kripke: Mm.

Kripke: What are you doing?
Bert: Eating a dumpling.
Kripke: No, you're eating the skin.
Bert: I don't like the insides.
Kripke: The insides are what makes them dumpwings.
Bert: Would you like my insides?
Kripke: Okay. [studio audience laughing]

Denise: What are you looking for?
Stuart: Eh, it's a long shot, but something that shows where we are and how we get out.
Bert: Can you leave?
Kyle: I don't know.
Kripke: What do you mean, you don't know? How can you not know?
Kyle: Best guess, wilful ignorance. [studio audience laughing]

Bert: Whoa, what was that?
Kripke: Thank you.
Kyle: What was what?
Kripke: There-- There's people waughing.
Bert: Yeah, but kind of fake laughing.

Stuart: Did you hear anything?
Denise: [mockingly] No, I didn't hear anything.
Stuart: Denise, come on. Are you gonna tell me what I did wrong?
Bert: I can. [off Denise's look] But I won't. [studio audience laughing] Again?
Kripke: I am reawwy freaking out.
Stuart: [echoing slam] [low ominous rumbling] Holy shit.
Denise: Now what?
Stuart: You don't see this? The whole store changed! It's gone all bright! That wall disappeared. [rumbling stops]
Denise: I see a wall.

Kripke: And Denise's birthday is the stupid B-story.
Stuart: Don't call my girlfriend stupid. [studio audience exclaiming]
Kripke: Huh?
Bert: Look at the wall that isn't there. [wind whooshing softly]
Denise: Where'd it go? How can there not be a wall?
Kripke: Better question, what's behind where it isn't?
Bert: Somebody should find out.
Stuart: What are you looking at me for? [studio audience laughing]
Kripke: Because for some incompwehensible weason, you are the star of this show. [studio audience laughing]

Denise: What is all this? Are we dead?
Bert: Or maybe we were never real.
Stuart: Of course we're real. Figments of the imagination don't have irritable bowel syndrome.
Kripke: You too?
Stuart: Yeah.
Kripke: Hey. [they fist bump] What do you do for it?
Stuart: You have to learn to manage stress, and it sounds counterintuitive, but you actually want a little less fiber.
Kripke: Intewesting. I'll try that.
Denise: Oh, my God. Will you two stop? We just walked past actors who play us. That has to be more pressing than the quality of your BMs.
Stuart: You're right. I mean, I don't wish what happens to me in the bathroom on my worst enemy, but you're-- you're right.

Stuart: Why does the ball of shit not like us?
Kyle: That's gonna require a little show and tell.
Bert: Ooh, fun.
Kyle: Fourteen billion years ago... there was nothing.
Kripke: A picture of nothing. Very helpful. I... I couldn't imagine it.
Denise: [shushes] Go on, Kyle.

Kyle: Uh, nothing except for... a consciousness, which our brains perceive as the aforementioned swirling ball of shit.
Bert: I can't see. [Kyle holds up the comic closer to Bert] Thank you.
Kyle: Uh, then came the Big Bang... which led to the creation of everything. [holds it up to Bert again]
Bert: Appreciate it.
Kyle: Uh-huh.
Stuart: What does any of this have to do with us?
Denise: Honey, he's getting there.
Kyle: Thank you.