Stuart: Where the hell are we?
Kyle: Nowhere.
Stuart: What do you mean "nowhere"?
Kyle: You know somewhere?
Stuart: Yeah.
Kyle: This ain't that.

Denise: Wait, so we're trapped here forever?
Kyle: Uh, no, no. Forever is a time. We're here always.

Kyle: Here's a good one. You're all underwater. You got gills.
Denise: We were never underwater.
Kyle: Huh. Maybe it hasn't happened yet.

Kripke: Here's a fun wittle question. Where did this food come fwom?
Kyle: Oh, Szechuan Palace.
Kripke: Uh-huh. And how did it get here?
Kyle: Uber Eats, DoorDash, one of those.
Kripke: Sure, sure. And they dewiver to comic book shops that exist outside of time and space?
Kyle: Maybe Postmates. [studio audience laughing]
[The Big Bang Theory atom interstitial]

Denise: How can we be nowhere?
Kyle: [sighs] Well... there's this thing. I don't know quite how to explain it other than as a, uh, swirling ball of omnipotent cosmic shit, and it really doesn't like you.
Bert: But it doesn't know me.
Kyle: It does. It does. It knows everything. It... It trapped you in the comic book. And when you got out, it moved the whole store to where we are now, which is where we aren't because it isn't.

The Adversary: Their forward progress has been stopped. Your only task is to keep them here.
Kyle: Uh, question?
The Adversary: Yes, Kyle?
Kyle: Um, what if somebody wants to buy that comic book?
The Adversary: Don't sell it to them.
Trevor: What do we say?
The Adversary: You tell them it's not for sale.
Trevor: Good. That's good.
Kyle: We got your back.
Trevor: Or whatever you have.
Kyle: Your circumference.

[The Adversary fires an energy beam at Trevor, incinerating him, leaving only the comic book and his charred Converse sneakers]
Kyle: Between you and me, I never liked him.
The Adversary: Mr. Freeze.
[A cartoon depiction of Mr. Freeze appears on the Stuart Fails to Save the Universe TRAPPED! comic]
The Adversary: You know what to do.
[The cartoon Mr. Freeze on the comic gives a thumbs up and walks off]
Kyle: So, you gonna stick around? I could order up some Chinese.

Denise: What are you looking for?
Stuart: Eh, it's a long shot, but something that shows where we are and how we get out.
Bert: Can you leave?
Kyle: I don't know.
Kripke: What do you mean, you don't know? How can you not know?
Kyle: Best guess, willful ignorance. [studio audience laughing]

Trevor: Um, are you crazy? [scoffs] Hawkeye doesn't deserve to be an Avenger. Yeah...
Kyle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You do not want to go there.
Trevor: You got a guy with a bow and arrow, and he's supposed to be on the same team as a guy with an arc reactor iron suit and the literal God of Thunder? [laughs] What sense does that even make?
Kyle: I don't know, I mean... [grunts] does this make sense?
[Kyle pulls out an arrow from his quiver and repeatedly stabs Trevor in the neck. Trevor screams and falls to the floor.]
Stuart: I just mopped! We talked about this, Kyle! That's strike three!
Kyle: I'm sorry, okay? Uh, but you heard him. [Stuart points to the door] Sorry. He started it.

Kyle: Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
Bert: Hey, Kyle.
Kyle: Hey. Oh, this is not good. This is so not good.
Stuart: Nice to see you, too.
Kyle: You don't understand. If he sees you here, he's going to be angry, and he's going to look for someone to blame. And I already threw Trevor under the bus.

Kyle: Uh, nothing except for... a consciousness, which our brains perceive as the aforementioned swirling ball of shit.
Bert: I can't see. [Kyle holds up the comic closer to Bert] Thank you.
Kyle: Uh, then came the Big Bang... which led to the creation of everything. [holds it up to Bert again]
Bert: Appreciate it.
Kyle: Uh-huh.
Stuart: What does any of this have to do with us?
Denise: Honey, he's getting there.
Kyle: Thank you.

Stuart: I'm confused. This consciousness caused the Big Bang?
Kyle: Oh, yes, and if you meet it, don't bring it up. It's a sore spot.
Stuart: Once again, what does any of this have to do with me?
Kyle: You broke this quantum thingy, which opened up a crack in reality, allowing the consciousness its first opportunity to pull the plug on the whole deal.
Stuart: "The whole deal" being the universe?
Kyle: Every universe, every molecule, every atom, everything.

Bert: Let me run something by you. If the store exists outside of space and time, are we getting older or do we stay the same?
Kyle: Hey, hey, man. I just work here.

Kyle: Oh, excuse me. I was about to buy that Necronomicon.
Trevor: [scoffs] Get over yourself. You can't handle this level of magic. Uh... here. Alchemy for Dummies. That's more your speed.
Kyle: [scoffs] I'll show you my speed. Sempe faldinide un pera!
[As Kyle waves his wand, a snake emerges from Trevor's mouth and wraps itself around his body]
Denise: Oh, my God. What happened? Where are we?
Trevor: Make it stop! [serpent hisses] Please!
Stuart: Uh... Hang on. Kyle?
Kyle: [chuckles] I wasn't really gonna kill him.
Stuart: Stop!
Kyle: [sighs] Fine. [snake hisses] Dnim reven.

Trevor: You're such an asshole.
Kyle: You want an asshole? I'll show you an asshole. Elohssa. [waves wand]
Stuart: Kyle!

Kyle: [imitating Batman] I've seen darkness. [imitating Penguin] You've not seen it dark enough.