Abramowitz the Grey: [over TV] Have you or a loved one been injured by a defective spell or faulty incantation? Call me, Abramowitz the Grey. Over 700 years' experience in magical litigation. [banging on door]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Now what? [answers door] Oh. Hey, Stuart. Kripke.
Stuart: You know us?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Of course, I know you. What do you want?
Stuart: Can we come in?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm kind of busy, but okay. Excuse the mess. I gave up giving a shit.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Here I am, teaching pampered little maggots how to tap, which is pointless, since the only dancing they're ever gonna do is on the pole.
Girl #1: [thinking] Oh, no.
Girl #2: [thinking] What?
Girl #3: [thinking] Mommy.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Ah, shut your brain holes.
Stuart: We're sorry to have wasted your time.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [thinking] Wouldn't be a waste of time if you killed me. [out loud] Have a great day. All right, future eating disorders, let's get back to work.

Bert: [thinking] What happened to you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'll tell you what happened, Sasquatch. I had an alcoholic mother try to live out her dreams by dressing me up, shoving me in beauty pageants, feeding me diet pills to keep me skinny, all so I could become Miss California Quiznos 1999.
Denise: [thinking] Aw.
Stuart: [thinking] Sad.
Bert: [still thinking] Quiznos. Yum.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: What is wrong with you girls? Come on, pick up your feet. You're like a bunch of baby hippos.
Rebecca: [thinking] Die, bitch, die.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You think about your mother with that mind?

Kripke: We gotta get out of here.
Stuart: Why? It's not such a bad world. We could chill here for a while.
Kripke: Stuart, the people here think science is evil.
Stuart: How's that different from our world?

Wil Wheaton: [voice echoes] Stuart Bloom!
Stuart: Wil Wheaton?
Wil Wheaton: Did you give blood to Bernadette Rostenkowski?
Stuart: A little. Why?
Wil Wheaton: Oh, you stupid, stupid man. The guild sanctioned her for a reason.
Kripke: Oh, yeah, the dog. [nods]
Wil Wheaton: What dog? She's a demon.
Stuart: Oh, she can be a little bitchy. I wouldn't call her a demon.

Female Acolyte #1: Here's your Coke, sir.
Bert: Diet?
Female Acolyte #1: Oh, I'm sorry. It's regular.
Bert: Not a problem. [waves his hand] Now, it's Diet. [mob exclaims] You like that? Watch this. [waves hand] Dr. Pepper!
Female Mob Attendee: You can control the elements. Can you manifest life?
Bert: You mean like hocus pocus puppy? [a puppy appears] Look at you! [waves hand] House-broken. [mob exclaims]
Lisa: Does your magic work in the bedroom?
Bert: I don't need magic in the bedroom. I'm a good listener. [Lisa moans]