Traveler: [sighs] Guys, please! The machine is still at Caltech. Here's what you have to do.
Stuart: Hang on, let me write this down. "Cal..." Oh, shoot! [shakes pen]
Bert: What is shaking it gonna do?
Traveler: Stop talking and listen.
Bert: You know, I might have a Sharpie, excuse me.
Traveler: Listen! When you get to the machine... [garbled speech] Damn it!
Stuart: W... What's happening?
Traveler: I don't know! I'm going through some kind of wormhole! [groans] The important thing is... [garbled speech] And... And when you find him... [garbled speech] And that will fix everything. [The traveler disappears]
Stuart: You get any of that?
Bert: I got the gist.

Bert: What's supposed to happen? [device chirps, hums] Does everything just go back to the way it was?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, fingers crossed.
Stuart: That would mean you and I would be together again.
Denise: Slow down, champ. I'm still grieving.
Stuart: Hmm, hmm.

Stuart: Raj, talk to me, buddy!
Raj Koothrappali: [breathes heavily] I'm okay. I'm okay.
[Raj lifts up his long beard and sees the bleeding exit wound on his chest]
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe not.
Stuart: Raj? [Bert and Kripke continue fighting] What do we do? How do we fix the machine?
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, look! It's my grandmother, Ambulu, beckoning me to join her!
Stuart: Ca... Can... Can she wait a minute?
Raj Koothrappali: [groans]
Denise: Apparently not.

Bert: You know, I feel the same way about Green Arrow.
Stuart: Yeah, we all do but you don't have to kill people.
[Stuart and Bert throw Trevor's dead body into the portal]
Stuart: Bye!

Stuart: He can't be me.
Bert: He looks like you.
Traveler: Senior prom, Emily Manhart, peach schnapps. She was ready to go. You puked in her lap.
Bert: Sounds like you.
Stuart: At least I went to my senior prom.
Bert: I couldn't go. I had mono.

Stuart: Oh, that looks bad.
Bert: Because of all the guns?
Stuart: Yes, because of all the guns.

Denise: Oh, my gosh, Gary.
Stuart: It's terrible. Just terrible. But you know what? You... you're gonna find somebody else. Maybe sooner than you think.
[Bert give Stuart a thumbs up]

Stuart: Where's Denise?
Bert: I don't know.
Stuart: I can't lose her again.
Bert: Don't worry, she's out there, and we'll find her. Everything's back to normal.
[As the camera pans behind them, the three guys all have an electronic device with a green light implanted in the back of their necks]

Bert: You ever wonder where this thing goes?
Stuart: Nope.
Bert: Probably smart.
Traveler: Stuart. We gotta talk.
Stuart: Shit just got weird.

Penn: Thank you! We are Penn and Teller... [audience applauds] And we'll be here until we're dead! [squishes rat]

Stuart: Oh! Oh, this feels so good.
Bert: Go easy. We're sharing that.

Gary: What's going on?
Denise: Don't worry, Gary. I know these guys.
Gary: So, we're not robbing, we're not killing? What are we doing?
Denise: You remember I mentioned Stuart?
Gary: Oh, sure. How's it going? Gary.
Stuart: Hi. So, are you two...?
Denise: You gotta remember, I thought you were dead.
Stuart: Yeah, no, right, right, yeah.

Gary: Well, good luck.
Denise: Yeah, nice to see you.
Stuart: Yeah, you too. Have fun with the... looting and stuff.
Bert: Ciao. [Stuart and Bert walk off]
Gary: They're gonna die.
Denise: Oh, yeah.

Gary: All right, here's how we do this. I'll create a distraction at the main gate. The three of you cut around to the side, where the trucks are going in.
Stuart: Yeah, then what?
Gary: When the trucks stop, you roll under them, grab the undercarriage, and ride on in.
Bert: You, sir, have done this before.
Gary: Well, back in the day, I was Army Special Forces.
Bert: Cool. I was a geologist.
Gary: We ready?

Stuart: Uh... [stammers] Hang on. So... so, roll, run, grab?
Gary: Run, roll, grab.
Stuart: Sorry, more of a visual learner.

[Bert, Stuart and Denise hold their hands up as they're surrounded by armed guards]
Bert: Tell them about the alternate version of you.
Stuart: Shush!

Bert: Oh, wow!
Stuart: What?
Bert: This used to be my Geology classroom. I opened so many young minds here.

Soldier #1: Sorry, fellas. Time to die.
Bert: Agreed. Catch.
Soldier #1: What the...?
[After an explosion, the guys are covered in the soldier's blood]
Stuart: I love you!
Bert: I love you too.
Raj Koothrappali: Let's go!

Denise: Stuart!
Stuart: Oh, I'm so glad you're okay.
Denise: I'm so glad you're okay. [they hug]
Stuart: Uh, oh, sorry.
Denise: Oh!
Stuart: I'm covered with people.
Raj Koothrappali: [mockingly] Yeah, everybody's okay. Let's go!

Raj Koothrappali: I think I got it! [gun shot]
Kripke: He don't got it.
Stuart: Barry, what did you do? We're trying to fix the universe!
Kripke: [chuckles] I don't want it fixed! I wike it the way it is.
Bert: We don't.