Trevor: Um, are you crazy? [scoffs] Hawkeye doesn't deserve to be an Avenger. Yeah...
Kyle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You do not want to go there.
Trevor: You got a guy with a bow and arrow, and he's supposed to be on the same team as a guy with an arc reactor iron suit and the literal God of Thunder? [laughs] What sense does that even make?
Kyle: I don't know, I mean... [grunts] does this make sense?
[Kyle pulls out an arrow from his quiver and repeatedly stabs Trevor in the neck. Trevor screams and falls to the floor.]
Stuart: I just mopped! We talked about this, Kyle! That's strike three!
Kyle: I'm sorry, okay? Uh, but you heard him. [Stuart points to the door] Sorry. He started it.

Bert: Do you have an identical twin brother?
Stuart: No.
Bert: Okay, I have two questions.
Stuart: Just two?
Traveler: I've only got a few seconds to explain this, so you gotta focus.
Stuart: Who are you?
Bert: First question.
Traveler: I'm you from another stream of reality.
Bert: Well, that answers that. Second question...
Traveler: Listen to me. This apocalyptic nightmare that you are living in, it can be avoided, it never has to happen.
Bert: Okay, now I have, like, six questions.

Traveler: Please, I don't have a lot of time. Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz. Remember them?
Stuart: Yeah, real nerds.
Bert: Pot-kettle.
Traveler: Sure.
Stuart: Fair enough.

Traveler: The point is, it altered reality. None of this is supposed to be.
Stuart: And by none of this, you mean...?
Traveler: None of it! The violence, the devastation, the dimensional rifts!
Bert: Dimensional rifts!
Stuart: Now we know.
Traveler: None of this is normal. [a giant moth hits the window of the comic book store] Certainly not that!
Bert: The big moth?
Traveler: [scoffs] Yes! Yes! The big moth!
Stuart: If you turn the lights off, they don't bother you.

Bert: [to a rabid dog that just attacked a person] Nice catch, Steve!
Stuart: How is it out there?
Bert: It's a little nippy. Wear layers.

Penn: Juggling two... [yelps] Juggling two starving feral creatures, as, uh, you can see, is not difficult, but... [rats squeal; Penn groans] Juggling three is... [grunts] profoundly stupid. Ow!
Bert: I saw them in Vegas. Such a fun night.
Stuart: Oh. You know who I loved in Vegas and I didn't think I would?
Bert: Huh?
Stuart: Celine Dion.
Bert: Mm.

Stuart: Denise, what are you doing?
Denise: Trying to keep you alive.
Gary: I don't care about your life. I'm just hoping to get laid tonight.
Denise: Gary.
Gary: Oh, uh...
Bert: Very kind. Thank you.

Raj Koothrappali: Can you keep it down?
Stuart: Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe. Possibly. Who wants to know?
Stuart: Raj, it's me, Stuart, from the comic book store.
Raj Koothrappali: Stuart?
Stuart: Yes, and... and Bert Kibbler. You know Bert?
Raj Koothrappali: Bert?
Stuart: And Denise. Remember Denise?
Raj Koothrappali: [chuckles deliriously] This isn't real. [stammers] This is... this is a hallucination!
Stuart: No. No, no, no. We're here. It's real.
Bert: That's kind of what a hallucination would say. [Stuart looks at Bert to suggest "Why would you say that?"]

Raj Koothrappali: Anyway, I... I... I've had time to... to... to figure it all out, and there's definitely something wrong with this reality. See? I... I prove it here and here, and the numbers, they don't lie.
Denise: So, you were telling the truth?
Stuart: You didn't believe me?
Denise: That an alternate version of you told you how to save the universe? No, not for a minute. [scoffs]

Raj Koothrappali: Pay attention! Leonard, Sheldon, and Howard. They built a vari-state quantum interference device.
Bert: That would have been my guess.
Raj Koothrappali: It malfunctioned, and it changed everything, right? The universe, uh, history... [whispers] ...reality.
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, great. How... How do we fix it?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, that's a toughie. Why you ask? [pants] Wait, did you ask? I assume you ask. It's a toughie because we're all prisoners of the Evil One. And the Evil One likes everything to stay just... [whispers] ...as it is.
Denise: Who's the Evil One?
Raj Koothrappali: [groans] I can't say his name! If I say his name, bad things happen.
Stuart: [sighs] Sorry, is it Voldemort?
Raj Koothrappali: I wish it was Voldemort. That's a guy you can reason with.

Stuart: If we got to the device, you could really reset the universe?
Raj Koothrappali: Bing, bang, boom! But it's hopeless! That device, it's surrounded by armed guards, 24/7!
Stuart: No, it's not hopeless. The alternate me said that I'm the chosen one who'll set things right.
Bert: He didn't say "chosen."
Stuart: Well, he implied "chosen."
Bert: Boy, I did not get that at all.

Bert: We're not gonna throw rocks. We're gonna make bombs out of them.
Stuart: What?
Bert: Behold. Potassium. And some water. Everybody needs to step back a little, please.
[Bert chuckles after he drops the piece of potassium into a bucket of water, causing an explosion and a fountain of water and gas to shoot out of the bucket]
Bert: Cool, huh?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, if the guards are taking a bath.
Bert: No. We're gonna make grenades.
Raj Koothrappali: How come I never thought of that?
Bert: Don't be hard on yourself. Most people underestimate the mighty force that is geology.

Stuart: Bert, stop. No zombies, no moths. No apocalypse. It worked.
Bert: Look how beautiful.
Kripke: Wats, my weign has ended.
Bert: Hey, your bruises are gone.
Kripke: Oh, yeah. You wook good. I mean... for you.

Kripke: Well, my dear, have you changed your mind?
Denise: Is the choice still sex with you or death?
Kripke: Wook, I'm not a monster. I'm just proposing we, uh, have a nice dinner, watch a movie, see what unfolds.
Denise: Kill me.
Kripke: [sighs] Give us a minute. [the soldier leaves] Wook. [sighs] Being the ruler of a post-apocalyptic fiefdom can be... [inhales] ...very wonely.
Denise: What about your harem?
Kripke: Those girls don't really care about me. They're just here for the food, medicine, free childcare.

Denise: You know what? Fine. I will have dinner with you.
Kripke: Oh, wonderful. [chuckles]
Denise: You'll have to untie me first. [Kripke looks unsure] A real relationship is built on trust. That has to start now.
Kripke: Okay [chuckles] Ooh, hey, you wike venison?
Denise: Mm.
Kripke: I make it with a cherwy gwaze. The key is low-heat weduction.
[As Kripke frees Denise from the constraints, she immediately starts attacking him]
Denise: You are a stupid, stupid... [Kripke groans] Stupid, stupid, stupid man!

Traveler: Anyway, they invented some kind of quantum entanglement thing, and you were there when it malfunctioned.
Bert: Both of us or just him?
Stuart: Doesn't matter!
Bert: It matters to me.

Stuart: Oh, my God, look. Floss.
Bert: Just hurry. It's getting dark.
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuse me, uh, how much for a foot of floss?
Floss Vendor: Mint or regular?
Stuart: Uh, let me get the regular.
Floss Vendor: Oh.
[As Stuart pays for the floss with a pack of Mac and Cheese, a masked figure with a rifle observes him]
Floss Vendor: Thank you.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, look at that. Can't put a price on healthy gums.

Stuart: Anyway, uh, we gotta go.
Bert: Yeah, Caltech. We're on a quest.
Denise: There's no more Caltech. What's left of it is a death trap.
Bert: We don't have a choice.
Stuart: Yeah, an alternate version of me came from another universe and explained how I can undo the apocalypse.
Bert: It was really cool.
Denise: An alternate version of you?
Bert: Yeah, same pasty face and same whiny voice.
Stuart: It was like looking in a mirror.

Stuart: What do we do? What do we do?
Denise: Uh... Uh... Set the impedance to point seven.
Stuart: [stammers] The what?
Denise: Yeah, right here.
Stuart: Okay, uh...
Denise: Uh, disengage the attenuator.
Stuart: Okay. [stammers] Mm... [device dings] Okay.
Denise: Turn the main release.
Stuart: Done!
Denise: But first...
Stuart: "But first"? What do you mean "but first"?

Denise: Stuart?
Stuart: Denise?
Denise: I thought you were dead.
Stuart: [chuckles] I thought you were dead!
Bert: Aw!