Denise: Oh, God. [shrieks] Where'd you put the machine? We gotta get out of here!
Stuart: I left it in our barracks to keep it safe.
Denise: Wouldn't it be safer to escape being killed? [explosion in the distance]
Stuart: Without question.
Kripke: We need to get out of here.
Denise: Yeah, we were just chatting about that.
Stuart: I left the machine back in camp.
Kripke: Sure, why would you bring a magical transport device to a bwood-soaked battlefield? [explosion; Denise shrieking]
Bert: Push the button and get us out of here!
Denise: Oh, go ahead, tell him!
Stuart: First thing you need to know, my intentions were good.

Gary: All right, Charlie Company! Let's end this war! Right here, right now!
[Gary yells as he charges up a ladder, only to recoil while remaining upright as bullets repeatedly pierce him and blood spurts from all over his body]
Bert: This seems unnecessarily graphic.
[After Gary falls backwards into the trench, the group stand over him.]
Denise: Hang in there.

Sergeant: For Lieutenant Gary! Follow me!
[As the sergeant goes to climb the ladder, Kripke pulls out his gun and shoots him]
Stuart: Oh my God, what did you do?
Kripke: Oh, I shot him in the back so we don't have to die. How is that not cwear?

Denise: We're never gonna find the other machine. Let's just use the one we have and get out of here.
Stuart: Ugh. I think that's the last of Gary.
Denise: Thank you.
Stuart: I can't leave. I have a responsibility to repair, you know, the infinite totality of everything.
Denise: Damn me for falling in love with a hero. [both chuckle then kiss]

Keith: Charlie Company! Fall in! As you might have noticed, your prior commanding officer did a pretty good impersonation of Sonny Corleone at the tollbooth yesterday. Really? Never saw The Godfather? Doesn't matter. Anyway, we'll miss him. Rest in peace. Blah, blah, blah. Here's your new commanding officer, Captain Williams.
Captain Richard Williams: Thank you, Sergeant. Very moving. Men... and lady, I'm not gonna mince words. We've received intelligence that indicates we are in worse shape than yesterday.
Kripke: Yesterday was a massacre.
Captain Richard Williams: Can that talk, Soldier.
Kripke: Bwoodbath.
Captain Richard Williams: Sure, I'll give you bloodbath.

Stuart: Hang on. Okay. Okay, you know what? We're thinking about this all wrong. We don't have to find the other machine here. We can just go back and get it.
Denise: Go back where?
Stuart: We set our machine to go, centaur, telepathy, cows, three universes, and we just take it from the other version of us.
Bert: Trippy.
Kripke: Question.
Stuart: Go ahead.
Kripke: We're in a pwison cell.
Bert: Technically, not a question.
Kripke: You're wight. Have you noticed we're in a pwison cell? [Stuart groans]

General Adams: Court will now adjourn to consider a verdict.
Captain Siebert: Fingers crossed.

Kripke: Okay. I say we gwab the machine and get out of here.
Stuart: Look around. There's guys with guns.
Kripke: I'll cweate a distwaction.
Stuart: Oh, why don't I create a distraction and you get it?
Kripke: What's your distwaction?
Stuart: I don't know. Asthma attack?
Kripke: Let me see.
Stuart: [imitates hyperventilating] [inhaler hisses]
Kripke: [sighs] Yeah, I'm not buying it.
Stuart: What don't you buy? I've been practicing it for 25 years.

General Adams: Court finds the defendants guilty on all counts and sentences them to death by firing squad.
Penny: Sweet!

Denise: Stuart, I love you.
Bert: It's me, but I'll pass it down. Stuart, I love you.
Kripke: It's me.
Bert: Pass it down.
Kripke: Stuart.
Stuart: Yeah?
Kripke: Bert woves you.

Denise: Go back two more worlds, honey.
Stuart: Uh, right, right.
[After the device beeps and whirs, Stuart, Kripke, Bert and Denise are transported in an interdimensional bubble along with the device]
Penny: What? [Penny trots around] I do not hate this.

Denise: There we are! [soldiers shouting] [other Denise shrieks] Let's go!
Stuart: [groans]
Bert: Are you okay?
Stuart: Ooh, muscle cramp, all the running.
Denise: You should eat a banana.

Kripke: Oh, this doesn't wook good.
PFC Collins: [whimpering] I want my mommy! I want my mommy! I want my mommy! I want my mommy!
Denise: Oh my God. He's holding his intestines in his hand.
Kripke: Could be worse.
Bert: How?
Kripke: He could be holding them in a wittle sandwich bag.

Bert: You okay?
Kripke: Not weawy.
Bert: Conscience bothering you because you shot that guy in the back?
Kripke: No.
Bert: Well, if you figure it out, I'm here for you.

Stuart: New plan. Let's get the hell out of here.
Kripke: What happened to getting the other machine?
Stuart: You want the other machine, knock yourself out.
MP Smith: Halt. Why aren't you with your company?
Stuart: Uh... [hesitates] Why aren't you with your company?

Penny: All right, I'm gonna give you one last chance to save your ass. We have prepared a fake battle plan. All you need to do is use your device, transmit it to your friends on the other side, and we'll commute your sentence to a life of hard labor.
Stuart: Done, done, and done.
Penny: All right, untie him, take his blindfold off now. [a soldier does so] Hi.
Stuart: Okay, uh, let me just warm this up. [loudly] And we are preparing to transmit the fake battle plans on three, two, one! [Kripke, Bert and Denise move closer to Stuart and the device] [device whirring]
Penny: What's happening?

Gary: What are you maggots doing here?
Denise: Gary?
Gary: It's Lieutenant Jeffries, Soldier.
Stuart: What'd you ever see in that guy?
Denise: He reminded me of you.

[Cartoon versions of the group appear on the cover of a comic book]
Kripke: [v.o.] Where the hell are we?
Stuart: [v.o.] I'm gonna guess wherever we are, we're trapped.
[The camera pans up to the title of the comic book, "Stuart Fails to Save the Universe TRAPPED!"]

Stuart: We need the other machine. We have to go back.
Denise: Again, guns. [device turns on]
Stuart: Okay, so we don't go back exactly. We scooch it a little.
Bert: There's a scooch button?
Stuart: Maybe. Uh, this thing turns. [device beeps] [ominous whirring] Oh, oh... Oh.

Stuart: Hello.
Denise: Really?
Stuart: Mm, being close to death is kind of a turn-on.
Denise: I don't know, honey. I still have little bits of Gary in my hair.
Stuart: Ew.