Gary: Stuart Bloom?
Stuart: Yes, sir.
Gary: [sighs] You want to sign for this?
Stuart: Gary.
Gary: All day long.
Stuart: Denise, look. It's Gary.
Denise: I see.
Gary: Do I know you guys?
Denise: We were married in another universe. Didn't work out.
Stuart: There's also, uh, another version of you who knew another version of her.
Gary: Uh-huh.
Stuart: But he's dead.
Denise: Mm.
Gary: I hate this job.

Sergeant: Charlie Company, fall in! All right, listen up! Lieutenant has a few words to say.
Gary: Thank you, Sergeant. Charlie Company, there's no easy way to say this. Alpha Company didn't make it back. Bravo Company didn't make it back. And if you're familiar with the alphabet, you're up.
Kripke: Ah, shit.
Gary: We're outgunned. We're outmanned. And we're facing a lethal and merciless enemy. All right. We're gonna say a little prayer. Everybody take a knee. Atheists, sit, stand. Your choice. [all kneel] Lord, we're probably coming home to you today. [Sergeant nods] 'Cause near as I can figure, we're marching straight into a monumental ass-reaming. So, polish up the pearly gates. We'll be seeing you soon.
Bert: Amen.

Kripke: Yeah, "comic books are my superpower." Where we going?
Stuart: Uh, give me a minute.
Gary: [meter dings] Meter's running.
Stuart: Maybe you can help us out. We need to find the Flash.
Gary: Oh, sure. He has an office midtown in between an H&R Block and a Quiznos.
Bert: I believe he's screwing with us.
Kripke: Thank you.
Bert: You're welcome.

Stuart: Denise, what are you doing?
Denise: Trying to keep you alive.
Gary: I don't care about your life. I'm just hoping to get laid tonight.
Denise: Gary.
Gary: Oh, uh...
Bert: Very kind. Thank you.

Kripke: What's happening?
Stuart: You gotta try this.
Kripke: You're kidding?
Stuart: Just try it.
Kripke: [eats] This is the best damn thing I've ever put in my mouth... [with rhotacism] ...and I've put some cwazy shit in my mouth.

Bert: I've been doing a little research. It turns out this universe is pretty close to ours before the apocalypse. Couple of differences. Baseball doesn't have a DH rule and they don't have Skechers Slip-Ins. That's a drag.
Kripke: Are you weaving anything out there, buddy?
Bert: Uh, let's see. Oh, okay. John Cougar is still John Cougar. He never went back to Mellencamp.

Kripke: We don't wanna stay in Cowtown.
Denise: Why not?
Bert: We did pretty good in those other universes.
Kripke: I had sex in three out of five of them, and granted, one was with Gary, but he's a very genewous wover.