Bert: I think I know what's going on.
Denise: Oh, I'll tell you what's going on. This is the most- [gags, gulps] [gulps] What is happening?
Bert: I believe you're chewing your cud.
Kripke: She's what-ing her what?
Bert: "The human body is a miracle. We have four stomachs, just like our ancestors, the cows."

Traveler: Anyway, they invented some kind of quantum entanglement thing, and you were there when it malfunctioned.
Bert: Both of us or just him?
Stuart: Doesn't matter!
Bert: It matters to me.

Denise: Stuart?
Stuart: Denise?
Denise: I thought you were dead.
Stuart: [chuckles] I thought you were dead!
Bert: Aw!

Chana: You are beautiful to look at.
Bert: Me?
Chana: Has no one ever told you this before?
Bert: My mom. But she said it was an inner beauty.
Chana: Would you like to share my bed tonight?
Bert: [chokes, coughs] Yes, please.

Chana: Did you enjoy our sex last night?
Bert: [chuckles] It was great. Also, I love you.
Chana: Then I love you.
Simpa: Chana, would you like to share my bed tonight?
Chana: Sure.
Bert: What the fuck?

Giorgio: All right, we have Kentucky bluegrass.
Bert: Oh, that's me.
Stuart: Smells delicious.
Giorgio: Who had the tall fescue?
Stuart: Me.
Denise: Mm. So good. [Stuart chuckles]
Giorgio: Bermuda for the gentleman.
Stuart: Wow.
Kripke: Thank you.
Giorgio: And the clover for the lady.
Denise: Thank you.
Giorgio: Bon appétit.

[As Stuart and Denise join Bert and Kripke in falling through the endless void, the newcomers scream]
Kripke: Yeah, wight. Give it a west.
Stuart: [shouting] Give it a rest? Are you crazy?
Denise: What is happening?
Bert: We're falling.
Stuart: Yeah, we got that!

Stuart: Now, according to this, the reason we can't restore the prime universe to its original state is we're moving laterally, when we should be moving along a fourth-dimensional axis.
Kripke: Time!
Stuart: Time.
Bert: [thinking] ♪ Keeps on slippin' Slippin', slippin' ♪ ♪ Into the future ♪
Denise: [thinking] ♪ Into the future ♪
Stuart: You done?
Denise: [out loud] Sorry.
Bert: [out loud] Sorry.

Traveler: [sighs] Guys, please! The machine is still at Caltech. Here's what you have to do.
Stuart: Hang on, let me write this down. "Cal..." Oh, shoot! [shakes pen]
Bert: What is shaking it gonna do?
Traveler: Stop talking and listen.
Bert: You know, I might have a Sharpie, excuse me.
Traveler: Listen! When you get to the machine... [garbled speech] Damn it!
Stuart: W... What's happening?
Traveler: I don't know! I'm going through some kind of wormhole! [groans] The important thing is... [garbled speech] And... And when you find him... [garbled speech] And that will fix everything. [The traveler disappears]
Stuart: You get any of that?
Bert: I got the gist.

[Penny raises her hand against Bert]
Bert: I'm mad, I'm mad!

Bert: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Bert!
Kripke: Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit!
[As Kripke tries to leave the store, Bert waves his hands and a brick wall blocks the door]
Stuart: What was that?
Bert: Oh, yeah. I'm magic now. Watch.
[Bert holds out his hand and Kripke shrinks down and turns into a penguin]

Bert: You know, I feel the same way about Green Arrow.
Stuart: Yeah, we all do but you don't have to kill people.
[Stuart and Bert throw Trevor's dead body into the portal]
Stuart: Bye!

Stuart: He can't be me.
Bert: He looks like you.
Traveler: Senior prom, Emily Manhart, peach schnapps. She was ready to go. You puked in her lap.
Bert: Sounds like you.
Stuart: At least I went to my senior prom.
Bert: I couldn't go. I had mono.

Stuart: Oh, that looks bad.
Bert: Because of all the guns?
Stuart: Yes, because of all the guns.

Stuart: Where's Denise?
Bert: I don't know.
Stuart: I can't lose her again.
Bert: Don't worry, she's out there, and we'll find her. Everything's back to normal.
[As the camera pans behind them, the three guys all have an electronic device with a green light implanted in the back of their necks]

Bert: Uh-oh, that's not supposed to be there.
Stuart: What just happened?
Kripke: I don't know.
Bert: I have a hypothesis.
Stuart: I'm listening.
Bert: Did you notice the thing on the back of your necks?
Kripke: What? What thing?
Bert: Humor me.

Stuart: Who are they? [mob clamoring outside the comic book store window]
Bert: Oh, yeah. They're my acolytes.
Stuart: Acolytes?
Bert: Yeah. They worship me. See the really pretty one? I got to first base.
Stuart: Oh, happy for you.

Bert: This is not the wedding I dreamed of.

Stuart: Okay, okay. We have to figure out where we are and what we need to do to get where it is we're supposed to go.
Bert: [thinking] What Women Want. Mel Gibson.
Denise: Oh, Mel Gibson wasn't married to Phoebe Cates.
Bert: [out loud] No, it's a movie with telepathy. [thinking] Like what's happening with us?
Denise & Kripke: Oh!
Stuart: I'm all alone.

Bert: [thinking] I had chili on a hot dog, and I thought, "This is crazy." But it's not crazy 'cause it's good.