Bert: Do you have an identical twin brother?
Stuart: No.
Bert: Okay, I have two questions.
Stuart: Just two?
Traveler: I've only got a few seconds to explain this, so you gotta focus.
Stuart: Who are you?
Bert: First question.
Traveler: I'm you from another stream of reality.
Bert: Well, that answers that. Second question...
Traveler: Listen to me. This apocalyptic nightmare that you are living in, it can be avoided, it never has to happen.
Bert: Okay, now I have, like, six questions.

Bert: [to a rabid dog that just attacked a person] Nice catch, Steve!
Stuart: How is it out there?
Bert: It's a little nippy. Wear layers.

Stuart: If we got to the device, you could really reset the universe?
Raj Koothrappali: Bing, bang, boom! But it's hopeless! That device, it's surrounded by armed guards, 24/7!
Stuart: No, it's not hopeless. The alternate me said that I'm the chosen one who'll set things right.
Bert: He didn't say "chosen."
Stuart: Well, he implied "chosen."
Bert: Boy, I did not get that at all.

Bert: I've got a sweet tooth. Who's up for some fro-yo?
Stuart: Oh, love it. My treat!
Kripke: Aw.
Bert: Thanks, buddy.
[As Kripke, Stuart and Bert reach the curb, a dark van pulls up and a group of men emerge]
Kripke: Huh? What's happening?
Stuart: I think we're being abducted.
Bert: Well, so much for yogurt.

Bert: This can't be happening! Rain! Please, rain! [a downpour starts directly above Bert] Yes! Yes! Yes!
Keith: He called forth rain!
Female Mob Attendee: He controls the heavens.
Male Mob Attendee: He has the power! [all bow]

Keith: There are legends of sorcerers capable of controlling the weather, but no one's ever witnessed it.
Bert: Wait. So you guys think that I'm the one who made it...? [mob agreeing] 'Cause I did. [mob laughs] Rain, snow, hail... I do all your precipitation.
Female Mob Attendee: Are you in league with a demon?
Bert: Oh, no, I just ask nicely. You know, "Please rain." [it rains] [mob gasps] Ta-da!

Stuart: Is it over?
Bert: Yeah. I think maybe I overdid it.
Stuart: Oh, don't feel bad, buddy. He started it. [Denise hugs Stuart] What's that for?
Denise: Maybe you're great. Maybe there is something here.
Stuart: Really?
Bert: Aww.
[Bert uses magic to conjure a heart-shaped arrangement of red rose heads, framing Stuart and Denise as they kiss.]

Simpa: Chana?
Chana: Oh, hi, Simpa.
Bert: Not a good time, dude.
Simpa: You did not come to the hut for lovemaking last night.
Chana: Oh, yes. I am monogamous now.
Simpa: What is "monogamous"?
Chana: I only have lovemaking with Bert.
Bert: [chuckles] Yeah, she does.
Simpa: I do not like monogamous.
Bert: It's got its pros and cons, but can we talk about it later?
Simpa: I do not like it. At all.

Stuart: Bert... [sighs] ...I need to ask you a geology question.
Bert: Is it how many times can a geologist have sex in a 24-hour period? 'Cause the answer's two.

Bert: Last place was nice. I almost married a woman who thought I was beautiful. [burps]
Stuart: Yeah, and then there was a violent riot and we had to flee for our lives.
Bert: [burps] Every rose has thorns, Stuart. Hmm. I wonder what a rose would taste like.
Denise: Mm.

Bert: You know, in a telepathic world, you can talk with your mouth full.
Kripke: Tewwific.
Bert: Check it out. [munching] [thinking] In a telepathic world, you can talk with your mouth full.
Kripke: [thinking] Yeah, I get it.

Bert: Well, this is a pickle.
Lab Coat Bert: The way I see it, there's a couple of possibilities.
Bert: Lay it on me, my brother.
Lab Coat Bert: The Stuart from the other universe didn't trust the first Stuart, so he also sent a Stuart from another universe on the same mission as a failsafe.
Bert: That's clever.
Lab Coat Bert: Or...
Lab Coat Stuart: Enough talk! Every minute we waste arguing, the fabric of reality is at risk of collapse!

[The group land in the middle of a war zone with bombed-out buildings, fighting soldiers and explosions going off around them]
Bert: No, thank you.
Denise: Hit the switch! Hit the switch!
Stuart: Here we go!
[The group land back in the comic book store in a world that seems normal from waist-level. When they look down, however, they notice they each have the lower body of a horse. Even the NASA Astronaut by the door is a centaur.]
Denise: Oh, no.
Bert: I think you mean, "Oh... neigh".

Bert: Check it out. The Justice League are all centaurs. Superman centaur, Batman centaur, Green Lantern centaur.
Stuart: Yeah, we got it.
Bert: Aquaman centaur, but he's a seahorse.

Bert: I think I know what's going on.
Denise: Oh, I'll tell you what's going on. This is the most- [gags, gulps] [gulps] What is happening?
Bert: I believe you're chewing your cud.
Kripke: She's what-ing her what?
Bert: "The human body is a miracle. We have four stomachs, just like our ancestors, the cows."

Traveler: Anyway, they invented some kind of quantum entanglement thing, and you were there when it malfunctioned.
Bert: Both of us or just him?
Stuart: Doesn't matter!
Bert: It matters to me.

Denise: Stuart?
Stuart: Denise?
Denise: I thought you were dead.
Stuart: [chuckles] I thought you were dead!
Bert: Aw!

Chana: You are beautiful to look at.
Bert: Me?
Chana: Has no one ever told you this before?
Bert: My mom. But she said it was an inner beauty.
Chana: Would you like to share my bed tonight?
Bert: [chokes, coughs] Yes, please.

Chana: Did you enjoy our sex last night?
Bert: [chuckles] It was great. Also, I love you.
Chana: Then I love you.
Simpa: Chana, would you like to share my bed tonight?
Chana: Sure.
Bert: What the fuck?

Giorgio: All right, we have Kentucky bluegrass.
Bert: Oh, that's me.
Stuart: Smells delicious.
Giorgio: Who had the tall fescue?
Stuart: Me.
Denise: Mm. So good. [Stuart chuckles]
Giorgio: Bermuda for the gentleman.
Stuart: Wow.
Kripke: Thank you.
Giorgio: And the clover for the lady.
Denise: Thank you.
Giorgio: Bon appétit.