Stuart: You guys ready? There's no way to know where we're gonna land.
Kripke: Anywhere, as wong as I'm stwaight.
Denise: That is so inappropriate.
Kripke: [groans] I know, I know. It's not a choice.

Kripke: [thinking] True. Wob Wowe's on my continuum. [out loud] No, he's not. I do not want to kiss Wob Wowe. [thinking] On his pouty wips.

Kripke: [thinking] You smell just like my mother. [sniffs]
Ramona Nowitzki: I'm sorry?
Kripke: [still thinking] You heard me.
Stuart: Please stop thinking.

Kripke: And Denise's birthday is the stupid B-story.
Stuart: Don't call my girlfriend stupid. [studio audience exclaiming]
Kripke: Huh?
Bert: Look at the wall that isn't there. [wind whooshing softly]
Denise: Where'd it go? How can there not be a wall?
Kripke: Better question, what's behind where it isn't?
Bert: Somebody should find out.
Stuart: What are you looking at me for? [studio audience laughing]
Kripke: Because for some incompwehensible weason, you are the star of this show. [studio audience laughing]

Stuart: Bert, stop. No zombies, no moths. No apocalypse. It worked.
Bert: Look how beautiful.
Kripke: Wats, my weign has ended.
Bert: Hey, your bruises are gone.
Kripke: Oh, yeah. You wook good. I mean... for you.

Bert: Unbelievable. No more mutants. No more giant moths. Such a better world.
Kripke: For you, maybe. [with rhotacism] I lost my hawem.
Bert: Mm, you know those weren't healthy relationships.
Kripke: It was all consensual. Sex for food.

Stuart: I looked everywhere. No Denise.
Kripke: Eh, she must have been too far away from the interdimensional bubble cweated by the Weonard/Sheldon device.
Stuart: What the hell does that mean?
Kripke: Well, I don't know. I'm just wiffing.

Kripke: You must have screwed up the machine, Stuart.
Stuart: I screwed up? You killed the one guy that knew how to use the damn thing.
Kyle: [scoffs] Uh, fellas, we're all friends.
Trevor: Yeah, no arguing.
Kripke: Stay out of it. You're the one who pushed the stupid button.
Stuart: What was I supposed to do? You're the one who-
[Stuart and Kripke tense up as the devices in the back of their necks turn red. They drop to the floor and writhe around in agony]

Stuart: What's that?
Bert: Best guess? A giant floating obelisk with no apparent means of propulsion?
Kripke: [with rhotacism] You are weawy getting on my nerve.
[The light on the obelisk turns red, as does the light on the device in Kripke's neck]
Kripke: Stop talking.
[Kripke groans as he once again tenses up and drops to the floor, writhing in agony]
Stuart: Another piece of the puzzle?
Bert: Maybe. [Kripke yelps]

Bert: I think what we're looking at is your classic totalitarian dystopia with a dollop of mind control surveillance.
Kripke: A dollop?
Bert: It means a small serving.
Kripke: Yeah, I know what it means-
[Kripke is zapped again]
Kripke: [cheerfully] I know what it means!

Kripke: Seriously, what did we do?
Officer McCaffrey: Well, when people keep getting upset, it becomes a police matter.
Officer Denison: Don't you worry. Everything's going to be explained at the re-education center.
Bert: [groans] I don't like the sound of that.
Officer McCaffrey: Well, I hope you like the sound of complimentary bottles of water.
Officer Denison: Hmm.
Officer McCaffrey: And granola bars, 'cause they're waiting for you in the back of the car.
Kripke: [sighs] Wook, a fwoating obewisk.
[Barry points up into the sky behind them. As the two officers look up, Barry starts to run away.]
Officer Denison: Oh, dear.
[Officer Denison presses the button on a device he's holding. Kripke is shocked and starts shaking about before crashing down on the grass in front of the Caltech sign.]

Bert: I'm glad we didn't escape.
Stuart: Oh, me too.
Kripke: It was an honor being wehabilitated with you fewas.

Stuart: Denise, you came back for me.
Denise: Not really. I found your machine. Show us how it can get rid of the AI.
Stuart: Oh, uh... [Zack frees the guys] Yeah, I probably wasn't clear about that. It won't solve your AI problems.
Kripke: Yeah, it'll just get us out of your happy-go-fascist universe.
Bert: Besides, we don't really know how to use it.
Kripke: We have some theowies.

Kripke: Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh... Hold on. I- I have an idea.
Penny: Fine, go ahead.
Kripke: Now, it's a wong shot, but it... it's worth a twy. [sniffs, sighs] Hmm. Okay. [sighs] Hmm. Mm. Okay.
Penny: [exhales] What is your idea?
Bert: Ah, if everyone would pwease wook over there.
[As everyone looks the other way, Kripke grabs the machine and runs off in the opposite direction]
Bert: He keeps doing that.

Kripke: Wait a minute. If this universe doesn't obey the waws of physics, then maybe we need magic.
Stuart: Okay. You know a wizard or a sorcerer or something?
Kripke: I do not. I absolutely do not.
Stuart: [sighs] Remember when you could just say, "Hey, Alexa, show me wizards near me"?
Kripke: Yeah.
Alexa: Yeah, what?
[Stuart and Kripke yelp and scream as a little goblin man appears on the counter]
Stuart: What the hell?
Alexa: Come on. I'm the demon Alexa. You summoned me.
Kripke: I'm fweaked out. You fweaked out?

Alexa: Tick tock. Got a lot of people waiting.
Stuart: Uh... Okay, uh... Are there any wizards around?
Alexa: Checking. While you wait, I noticed your shopping list is empty. How you doin' with paper towels?
Kripke: Will you just show us some wizards?
Alexa: Do not take that tone with me, buddy boy.
Kripke: Sowwy.

Kripke: "Demon" was witeral! "Demon" was witeral!

Kripke: Wooks wike they didn't tighten all the scwews there.
Gary: You're terrible.
Kripke: Oh, and you wove it. [he and Gary kiss]

Chana: You speak our words?
Stuart: Yes. We speak your words.
Simpa: Where is your village?
Stuart: Uh... Pasadena?
Simpa: P-- Pasadena.
Chana: Pasadena.
Bert: Just east of Glendale?
Chana: Glendale. Glendale.
Simpa: Glendale.
Kripke: Yeah, just north of the 134. What the hell are we doing here?

Kripke: Sowwy. My dogs are barking.
Manu: Mm. [grabs Kripke's shoe]
Kripke: What are you doing?
Manu: These are good. I will wear them.
Kripke: Like hell you will. They're mine.
Manu: "Mine"? What is "mine"?
Kripke: They belong to me. I went to Foot Wocker and waited an hour for the idiot kid to find my size. Mine.
Manu: Mine.
Kripke: No, you say "yours."
Manu: Yours.
Kripke: Thank you. Mine.
Manu: Mine.
Kripke: Yours.
Manu: Thank you.