Stuart: With all due respect, my liege, how is it that you're the... the grand...
Kripke: Cawiph.
Stuart: Caliph of South Pasadena?
Kripke: [sighs] I suppose we have time for a wittle backstory. Uh, I apologize. You guys have heard this before. Uh, when everything went screwy and civilization as we know it cowapsed, a vacuum of weadership was created here at the university, and as we all know...
Bert: [hesitates] Nature abhors a vacuum?
Kripke: Wight-o. So, I seized power, got all the food, the guns, and the girls. Yeah, end of backstory.

Kripke: [with rhotacism] Welcome back, neighbow.
Stuart: Kripke?
Kripke: Guilty as charged.
Stuart: We're neighbors?
Kripke: I wike to think we're a wittwe more than neighbows. I held your son at his bwis. [snaps garden shears]
Stuart: We're Jewish?

Chana: Would you like to come back to our village?
Simpa: We have food and places to rest.
Chana: Water to bathe in, companions to sleep with.
Kripke: Hang on. Question. [with rhotacism] When you say "sweep with," do you mean sex?
Chana: Of course.
Kripke: Daddy's home.

Bert: Uh, what do you want in return?
Chana: Just the pleasure of knowing we met your needs.
Kripke: Follow-up question. What if some of the needs are a wittle unusual?
Stuart: [whispers] Shush! We'd be honored to accept your hospitality.
Simpa: Our village isn't far. Walk with us.
Kripke: So far, this is my favorite universe.

Kripke: I suppose it's technically possible for a society to develop Engwish as a wanguage without an Engwand, but it seems unwikewy.
Denise: That's what I said.
Stuart: Guys!
Kripke: Of course, we could be speaking their wanguage and not know it.
Denise: I said that too.
Stuart: Listen to me!
Kripke: [to one of the women in the hot tub] Ooh, not so wough on the tushy.
Stuart: I've been through the whole village. There's one piece of red quartz, and Gavel won't give it up.
Kripke: Ah, I'm not surprised. He's also a very selfish wover.

Kripke: I don't know about you guys, but weddings make me horny.

Kripke: I'm just gonna ask it one more time. How were those people speaking Engwish?

Denise: So, what would we do if we stayed here?
Stuart: I would run a comic book store, you'd work with me, Bert would be a geologist, and Kripke'd be an asshole.
Kripke: Mm, asshole's more of a hobby than a vocation. [gags, gulps]

Kripke: So, uh... I guess this is goodbye.
Stuart: I guess so.
Kripke: Listen, I know I haven't been the best twaveling companion.
Denise: And?
Kripke: And what?
Stuart: Goodbye, Kripke.
Kripke: Okay.

Stuart: I guess she's not a microbiologist in this universe.
Kripke: [thinking] Your observation skills are bweathtaking.
Denise: Barry, really?
Kripke: [out loud] I think 'em wike I see 'em.

Denise: Oh, thank God. We're out.
Bert: Actually, we're deeper in.
Kripke: Deeper into a comic book?
Bert: Pretty cool, huh?
Kripke: No, not pretty cool. How do we proceed now, my wiege?
Stuart: How's this? You walk that way, we'll walk this way, and hopefully never see each other again.
Kripke: Whoa, where is this hostiwity coming from?

Stuart: Wait a second. Wait a second. Cosmic Treadmill.
Kripke: Cosmic-what now?
Denise: Brilliant. The Flash. He has the Cosmic Treadmill.
Kripke: At the wisk of sounding wedundant, cosmic-what now?
Denise: Cosmic Treadmill. It allows the Flash to move between universes.
Kripke: Tweadmill? Like at 24 Hour Fitness?
Stuart: No, but yeah.
Kripke: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Kripke: Evewything we've been through... is in these comic books. Here's "Cow Stomachs." Here's "Paradise World." We're kind of the assholes in that one. Here's one where Gawwy dies. Here's one where Gawwy dies. Here's another one where Gawwy dies.
Denise: [sighs] Gary.
Kripke: Mm.

Kripke: What are you doing?
Bert: Eating a dumpling.
Kripke: No, you're eating the skin.
Bert: I don't like the insides.
Kripke: The insides are what makes them dumpwings.
Bert: Would you like my insides?
Kripke: Okay. [studio audience laughing]

Bert: This is The Evil One? [chuckles] Barry Kripke?
Raj Koothrappali: He's sorry. Please. He doesn't know. Show him mercy.
Kripke: Mercy? I am nothing if not merciful. Twoubadours sing of my mercy!
Stuart: You mind if we stand up?
Soldier #1: No one stands before Ward Kripke.
Kripke: Okay, wast time, it's "Word," not "Ward." Uh, go ahead, stand, doesn't matter.

Bert: Can you tell us their numbers?
Ramona Nowitzki: Sure can't. [chuckles]
Kripke: [breathes sharply] We are in the middle of a cwisis and we weawy need to talk to them.
Ramona Nowitzki: [whispers] Sir, I would ask you not to raise your voice.
Kripke: I'm not waising my voice. [raises voice] I'm just trying to say--
[Kripke groans and drops to floor as he's zapped again]
Bert: Sorry. We're new to this whole button-in-the neck thing.
Kripke: Ow!

Stuart: Where have you been?
Kripke: [with rhotacism] Wooking everywhere for you.
Stuart: Have you seen Bert?
Kripke: I have not. I have not seen Bert, no.
Stuart: Should we be worried?
Kripke: Were you worried about me?
Stuart: Not really, no.
Kripke: Well, there you go.

Alexa: Okay. Here are some wizards near you.
[As Kripke scrolls through the list that's projected, Stuart makes small talk]
Stuart: How's it going?
Alexa: Can't complain.
Kripke: Stuart, here's a name I wecognize. Bernadette Wostenkowski, master sowcewess.
Stuart: Really? Bernadette?
Kripke: Yeah, four-and-a-half stars.
Alexa: Well, you guys want this broad's address or what?
Kripke: Uh... Uh... Walking, not dwiving?

Kripke: So, how was the woony bin?
Denise: It's not a loony bin, Barry. It's a hospital.
Kripke: Yeah, fow woonies. [laughs]
Denise: Barry...
Kripke: I'm kidding. I'm a kidder. Just ask my husband.
Gary: Is this guy giving you the business?
Stuart: Gary?
Gary: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: I... gotta go lay down.

Stuart: Ah! I'm bald.
Denise: What'd you do? Where are we?
Stuart: Uh... It looks like The Matrix to me.
Bert: Uh, technically, we're out of the Matrix.
Denise: So, what, the house, the kids, the cable TV, none of that was real?
Kripke: Oh, man. I wiked it there. I mean, I was homosexual, but my husband was a weal wooker.