Kripke: I don't know about you guys, but weddings make me horny.

Kripke: I'm just gonna ask it one more time. How were those people speaking Engwish?

Denise: So, what would we do if we stayed here?
Stuart: I would run a comic book store, you'd work with me, Bert would be a geologist, and Kripke'd be an asshole.
Kripke: Mm, asshole's more of a hobby than a vocation. [gags, gulps]

Kripke: So, uh... I guess this is goodbye.
Stuart: I guess so.
Kripke: Listen, I know I haven't been the best twaveling companion.
Denise: And?
Kripke: And what?
Stuart: Goodbye, Kripke.
Kripke: Okay.

Stuart: I guess she's not a microbiologist in this universe.
Kripke: [thinking] Your observation skills are bweathtaking.
Denise: Barry, really?
Kripke: [out loud] I think 'em wike I see 'em.

Bert: This is The Evil One? [chuckles] Barry Kripke?
Raj Koothrappali: He's sorry. Please. He doesn't know. Show him mercy.
Kripke: Mercy? I am nothing if not merciful. Twoubadours sing of my mercy!
Stuart: You mind if we stand up?
Soldier #1: No one stands before Ward Kripke.
Kripke: Okay, wast time, it's "Word," not "Ward." Uh, go ahead, stand, doesn't matter.

Bert: Can you tell us their numbers?
Ramona Nowitzki: Sure can't. [chuckles]
Kripke: [breathes sharply] We are in the middle of a cwisis and we weawy need to talk to them.
Ramona Nowitzki: [whispers] Sir, I would ask you not to raise your voice.
Kripke: I'm not waising my voice. [raises voice] I'm just trying to say--
[Kripke groans and drops to floor as he's zapped again]
Bert: Sorry. We're new to this whole button-in-the neck thing.
Kripke: Ow!

Stuart: Where have you been?
Kripke: [with rhotacism] Wooking everywhere for you.
Stuart: Have you seen Bert?
Kripke: I have not. I have not seen Bert, no.
Stuart: Should we be worried?
Kripke: Were you worried about me?
Stuart: Not really, no.
Kripke: Well, there you go.

Alexa: Okay. Here are some wizards near you.
[As Kripke scrolls through the list that's projected, Stuart makes small talk]
Stuart: How's it going?
Alexa: Can't complain.
Kripke: Stuart, here's a name I wecognize. Bernadette Wostenkowski, master sowcewess.
Stuart: Really? Bernadette?
Kripke: Yeah, four-and-a-half stars.
Alexa: Well, you guys want this broad's address or what?
Kripke: Uh... Uh... Walking, not dwiving?

Kripke: So, how was the woony bin?
Denise: It's not a loony bin, Barry. It's a hospital.
Kripke: Yeah, fow woonies. [laughs]
Denise: Barry...
Kripke: I'm kidding. I'm a kidder. Just ask my husband.
Gary: Is this guy giving you the business?
Stuart: Gary?
Gary: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: I... gotta go lay down.

Stuart: Ah! I'm bald.
Denise: What'd you do? Where are we?
Stuart: Uh... It looks like The Matrix to me.
Bert: Uh, technically, we're out of the Matrix.
Denise: So, what, the house, the kids, the cable TV, none of that was real?
Kripke: Oh, man. I wiked it there. I mean, I was homosexual, but my husband was a weal wooker.

Stuart: You guys ready? There's no way to know where we're gonna land.
Kripke: Anywhere, as wong as I'm stwaight.
Denise: That is so inappropriate.
Kripke: [groans] I know, I know. It's not a choice.

Kripke: [thinking] True. Wob Wowe's on my continuum. [out loud] No, he's not. I do not want to kiss Wob Wowe. [thinking] On his pouty wips.

Kripke: [thinking] You smell just like my mother. [sniffs]
Ramona Nowitzki: I'm sorry?
Kripke: [still thinking] You heard me.
Stuart: Please stop thinking.

Stuart: Bert, stop. No zombies, no moths. No apocalypse. It worked.
Bert: Look how beautiful.
Kripke: Wats, my weign has ended.
Bert: Hey, your bruises are gone.
Kripke: Oh, yeah. You wook good. I mean... for you.

Bert: Unbelievable. No more mutants. No more giant moths. Such a better world.
Kripke: For you, maybe. [with rhotacism] I lost my hawem.
Bert: Mm, you know those weren't healthy relationships.
Kripke: It was all consensual. Sex for food.

Stuart: I looked everywhere. No Denise.
Kripke: Eh, she must have been too far away from the interdimensional bubble cweated by the Weonard/Sheldon device.
Stuart: What the hell does that mean?
Kripke: Well, I don't know. I'm just wiffing.

Kripke: You must have screwed up the machine, Stuart.
Stuart: I screwed up? You killed the one guy that knew how to use the damn thing.
Kyle: [scoffs] Uh, fellas, we're all friends.
Trevor: Yeah, no arguing.
Kripke: Stay out of it. You're the one who pushed the stupid button.
Stuart: What was I supposed to do? You're the one who-
[Stuart and Kripke tense up as the devices in the back of their necks turn red. They drop to the floor and writhe around in agony]

Stuart: What's that?
Bert: Best guess? A giant floating obelisk with no apparent means of propulsion?
Kripke: [with rhotacism] You are weawy getting on my nerve.
[The light on the obelisk turns red, as does the light on the device in Kripke's neck]
Kripke: Stop talking.
[Kripke groans as he once again tenses up and drops to the floor, writhing in agony]
Stuart: Another piece of the puzzle?
Bert: Maybe. [Kripke yelps]

Bert: I think what we're looking at is your classic totalitarian dystopia with a dollop of mind control surveillance.
Kripke: A dollop?
Bert: It means a small serving.
Kripke: Yeah, I know what it means-
[Kripke is zapped again]
Kripke: [cheerfully] I know what it means!