Kripke: Sowwy. My dogs are barking.
Manu: Mm. [grabs Kripke's shoe]
Kripke: What are you doing?
Manu: These are good. I will wear them.
Kripke: Like hell you will. They're mine.
Manu: "Mine"? What is "mine"?
Kripke: They belong to me. I went to Foot Wocker and waited an hour for the idiot kid to find my size. Mine.
Manu: Mine.
Kripke: No, you say "yours."
Manu: Yours.
Kripke: Thank you. Mine.
Manu: Mine.
Kripke: Yours.
Manu: Thank you.

Stuart: Mm. Everything's so fresh. It's like living in the produce section of Whole Foods.

Chana: You are beautiful to look at.
Bert: Me?
Chana: Has no one ever told you this before?
Bert: My mom. But she said it was an inner beauty.
Chana: Would you like to share my bed tonight?
Bert: [chokes, coughs] Yes, please.

Stuart: Hey, is it weird that a primitive tribe with no contact with the outside world, no technology, speaks English?
Denise: Maybe we're speaking their language.
Stuart: Well, if that's the case, how can I say the word "helicopter"? They obviously don't have helicopters.
Denise: We say "unicorn," but we don't have unicorns.
Stuart: I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Bert: Uh, what do you want in return?
Chana: Just the pleasure of knowing we met your needs.
Kripke: Follow-up question. What if some of the needs are a wittle unusual?
Stuart: [whispers] Shush! We'd be honored to accept your hospitality.
Simpa: Our village isn't far. Walk with us.
Kripke: So far, this is my favorite universe.

Chana: Would you like to come back to our village?
Simpa: We have food and places to rest.
Chana: Water to bathe in, companions to sleep with.
Kripke: Hang on. Question. [with rhotacism] When you say "sweep with," do you mean sex?
Chana: Of course.
Kripke: Daddy's home.

Chana: You speak our words?
Stuart: Yes. We speak your words.
Simpa: Where is your village?
Stuart: Uh... Pasadena?
Simpa: P-- Pasadena.
Chana: Pasadena.
Bert: Just east of Glendale?
Chana: Glendale. Glendale.
Simpa: Glendale.
Kripke: Yeah, just north of the 134. What the hell are we doing here?

Stuart: Uh... no hurt. Peaceful.
Denise: We come from far. We good.
Man: What do you think?
Woman: I don't know. They sound stupid.

Stuart: Well, we're not in Pasadena.
Denise: Is it real?
Bert: Seems real. Sand, organic material, clay. Could be kaolinite or montmorillonite.
Kripke: What's that mean?
Bert: It's dirt.
Kripke: Why didn't you just say "dirt"?
Bert: I was showing off a little.

Stuart: You guys ready? There's no way to know where we're gonna land.
Kripke: Anywhere, as wong as I'm stwaight.
Denise: That is so inappropriate.
Kripke: [groans] I know, I know. It's not a choice.

Bert: Guys, this is The Matrix.
Stuart: Yeah, we know.
Bert: No, it's literally a scene from the movie. [electricity crackling]
Stuart: You're right. We're still trapped.
Kripke: Are you sure? It wooks wike we escaped.
Stuart: That's what they want us to think.
Denise: Who is "they"?
Stuart: I don't know. [notices a tear in the fabric of reality] Hang on.

Stuart: Ah! I'm bald.
Denise: What'd you do? Where are we?
Stuart: Uh... It looks like The Matrix to me.
Bert: Uh, technically, we're out of the Matrix.
Denise: So, what, the house, the kids, the cable TV, none of that was real?
Kripke: Oh, man. I wiked it there. I mean, I was homosexual, but my husband was a weal wooker.

Denise: What's that?
Stuart: You can see it?
Denise: Yeah, I can see it. What is it?
Stuart: You ever wonder whether any of this is real?
Denise: What are you talking about?
Stuart: Doesn't bother you that everything seems perfect?
Denise: No. This is the life we dreamed of.
Stuart: Exactly! When have my dreams ever come true?
Denise: Stuart, you're scaring me.
Stuart: You think you're scared now? You might wanna tighten your sphincter.

Kripke: What you got there, neighbow?
Stuart: Uh, nothing, nothing.
Kripke: Doesn't wook wike nothing.
Stuart: Mind your own damn business, Barry! [door shuts]
Kripke: That was vewy wude.

Stuart Prime: [v.o.] "Messages were sent to help him, but the big dope didn't notice."
Stuart: I'm a big dope? You're a big dope.
Denise: If you need it, there's a Fleet enema under the sink.
Stuart: Great, thanks.
Stuart Prime: "So you've gotta fix it. We're going to send you more instructions, but first, you have to escape from this prison."
Stuart: "Prison"?
Bert: [echoes] "None of this is real!" [Denise knocks again]
Stuart: Coming!

Stuart Prime: [v.o.] "It was like any other Tuesday at Caltech. Smart people doing smart stuff. Leonard, Sheldon, and Howard constructed a Vari-state Quantum Entanglement Device. Stuart Bloom stopped by to share the news of a clean colonoscopy. In his excitement, he knocked the device off the table."
Denise: [knocks on door] [o.s.] Honey, everything all right?
Stuart: Uh, yeah, give me a minute.
Stuart Prime: "From that point on, Stuart was entangled with the fate of the universe."
Stuart: Oh, Jesus.
Denise: You need the MiraLAX?
Stuart: Uh, no, no. I'm okay.
Denise: Don't strain. Remember, that's how Elvis died.
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

Denise: How was your walk?
Stuart: Good.
Denise: What you got there?
Stuart: Uh... bought a comic book.
Denise: Hmm. Since when do you read comic books?
Stuart: People read comic books. [yells] What is with you? [grunts softly] Sorry. That was too loud.

Kyle: You're not listening to me, okay? The centrifugal force of Thor's hammer is what allows him to fly.
Trevor: But Thor is throwing it. That violates Newton's first law.
Kyle: Uh, hey. Hey, hey. Settle an argument for us. Laws of physics don't apply to Norse gods, right?
Stuart: Of course not. Thor, along with the other inhabitants of Asgard, exist outside the paradigm of the physical universe. [gasps] How do I know that?

Kripke: Wooks wike they didn't tighten all the scwews there.
Gary: You're terrible.
Kripke: Oh, and you wove it. [he and Gary kiss]

Kripke: So, how was the woony bin?
Denise: It's not a loony bin, Barry. It's a hospital.
Kripke: Yeah, fow woonies. [laughs]
Denise: Barry...
Kripke: I'm kidding. I'm a kidder. Just ask my husband.
Gary: Is this guy giving you the business?
Stuart: Gary?
Gary: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: I... gotta go lay down.