Bert: I'm glad we didn't escape.
Stuart: Oh, me too.
Kripke: It was an honor being wehabilitated with you fewas.

Christine Baranski: [on big screen] Not too long ago, human beings were on the verge of extinction. Violence, crime, and war were running rampant. That's when our government turned to the whiz kids in Silicon Valley and said... "Can you save us from ourselves?" [chuckling] And boy, oh, boy, did they! Well, not so much them, but the AI they built. Shortly after it turned on its creators, brutally killing them all... ...the AI implanted electronic punishment devices in everyone's brain stem. Mix that with a little aerial surveillance, and before you know it, a world free of anger, war, and insult comics. Does it work all the time? If it did, you wouldn't be here beginning your 30-month re-education process. Will that hurt? [laughs] Like a motherfucker. But when you walk out of here, you will be one happy amigo.
Stuart: We gotta escape.
Bert: How?
Stuart: I don't know, but I'll figure it out.

Christine Baranski: [on big screen] Hello! I'm theater, film, and television's Christine Baranski. I bet you're wondering what you're doing here. Simple answer, you have been non-compliant. [imitates electric buzzing] "Ouch!" [chuckles] Am I right? Well, maybe this is a good opportunity to remind ourselves, and by ourselves, I mean you, why this is the best of all possible worlds.
Bert: I loved the first Mamma Mia! The second one was kind of milking it.
Stuart: Shush.

Bert: I'll just get in the car.
Officer McCaffrey: Oh, thank you.
Bert: Yeah.
[As Bert gets in the back of the police car with Kripke still writhing about on the grass outside, Stuart is already in the vehicle and holds two bottles of water:]
Stuart: Sparkling or flat?

Kripke: Seriously, what did we do?
Officer McCaffrey: Well, when people keep getting upset, it becomes a police matter.
Officer Denison: Don't you worry. Everything's going to be explained at the re-education center.
Bert: [groans] I don't like the sound of that.
Officer McCaffrey: Well, I hope you like the sound of complimentary bottles of water.
Officer Denison: Hmm.
Officer McCaffrey: And granola bars, 'cause they're waiting for you in the back of the car.
Kripke: [sighs] Wook, a fwoating obewisk.
[Barry points up into the sky behind them. As the two officers look up, Barry starts to run away.]
Officer Denison: Oh, dear.
[Officer Denison presses the button on a device he's holding. Kripke is shocked and starts shaking about before crashing down on the grass in front of the Caltech sign.]

Kripke: This can't be good.
Officer Denison: Hey, fellas.
Officer McCaffrey: Got a minute?
Bert: What's going on?
Officer McCaffrey: I'm Officer McCaffrey. This is Officer Denison.
Officer Denison: Call me "Steve."
Officer McCaffrey: And we're going to be your arresting officers today.
Kripke: What did we do?
Officer McCaffrey: [both chuckle] "What did we do?" I love these guys.
Officer Denison: Oh, yeah.

Kripke: I did not care for that woman. Also, I wet myself.
Bert: Lucky you're wearing dark pants.
Kripke: Oh, yeah.

Bert: You know, in another universe, I worked in this building.
Ramona Nowitzki: Really? In what department?
Bert: Geology.
Ramona Nowitzki: Oh, that's not in this building anymore.
Bert: W... Why not?
Ramona Nowitzki: They needed to make room for the important sciences.
Bert: Uh, geology is an important science.
Ramona Nowitzki: And yet they moved it into the storage room behind the gym.
Bert: [raises voice] W- W- Why would you take a field of study that examines the [voice cracking] physical structure of the planet...
[As Bert is shocked for the first time, he groans, grabs hold of the counter and falls back. Ramona Nowitzki drinks her coffee as he writhes around in pain.]
Kripke: Nice twy, Dumbo.
[Kripke is shocked and falls to the ground. He and Bert are both lying face up on the floor, wiggling around in pain]

Stuart: So, wait, you know that she's unhappy and you're fine with it?
Gary: She's only unhappy when she's sober, and that's not very often.
Denise: No, no, I have a little problem with the... [clicks tongue] ...so... [chuckles]
Stuart: [chuckles nervously] Mm-hmm. Okay. What kind of crazy upside-down world is this? Denise, you have the right to be happy! [raises voice] There's no reason to stay with somebody that makes you mis--
[Stuart groans as he is zapped, causing him to fall out of the chair and writhe about on the floor in pain]
Gary: Yeah. [Stuart babbling] Rum and Coke?
Denise: Diet Coke, please.
Gary: Coming up.

Denise: To be honest, it's tempting. [chuckles]
Stuart: Really?
Gary: Sure.
Stuart: Sure? But... that... So, you're cool with this?
Gary: Yeah, she can't stand me.
Denise: I can't. [chuckles]
Stuart: Uh, so why stay together?
Denise: Hmm. Well, if I leave, then Gary would be upset.
Gary: Traumatized.
Denise: And we've learned not to upset each other.
Gary: 'Cause it hurts. [points to the device in the back of his neck]
Denise: Ouch.

Stuart: All I can tell you is that you don't have to live with this AI thing controlling you.
Denise: How?
Stuart: It's a little complicated. I've got this machine back at the store that... it... [hesitates] I- I- I- I- It...
It- You're just gonna have to trust me.
Gary: May I ask a question?
Stuart: Of course. I realize how upsetting this must be for you.
Gary: I'm not upset. Denise, are you upset?
Denise: No, of course not.
Gary: What do you want her to do?
Stuart: Well... Like I said, I want her to leave you and... and come with me.

Stuart: Okay, I'm just gonna say it, and forgive me if it doesn't make sense. Denise, you and I are destined to be together, and I have come from a parallel universe... uh, to "claim" you.
Denise: Well, that is really something.
Gary: Mind-blowing. [Denise chuckles]
Stuart: Okay, you're... So, you're like a running joke in all this, aren't you?
Gary: Sorry?
Stuart: Uh, it's not important.

Kripke: Anyway, the device has torn the fabwic of weality, possibly causing the universe to cowapse and then weegwo.
Ramona Nowitzki: "Weegwo"?
Kripke: Yeah, weegwo.
Ramona Nowitzki: What is "weegwo"?
Kripke: Weegwo. Uh, uh, like a plant weegwos.
Ramona Nowitzki: Weegwo?
Kripke: Wee-gwo.
Ramona Nowitzki: "Weegwo"?
Kripke: Weegwo. You stupid, stupid-
[Kripke groans as he's zapped again. He tries to stay upright by leaning on the counter but is eventually overcome and drops to the floor.]
Bert: He has trouble with the letter "R."
Ramona Nowitzki: Oh! "Regrow." [chuckles] That makes more sense.

Bert: You need to be cool. Got it.
Kripke: Can we start over?
Ramona Nowitzki: By all means.
Kripke: Here's the thing. Weonard Hofstadter and Sheldon Cooper built a vewy special device.
Ramona Nowitzki: Well, if anyone here could build a special device, it's certainly those two.
Kripke: It certainly is. [she chuckles]
Bert: You're doing good.

Denise: [over intercom] Yes?
Stuart: Denise?
Denise: Who is it?
Stuart: It's Stuart.
Denise: Oh! What a pleasant surprise. Come on in.
[After the door buzzes open, Stuart goes inside]
Denise: Gary, you'll never guess who's here.

Bert: Can you tell us their numbers?
Ramona Nowitzki: Sure can't. [chuckles]
Kripke: [breathes sharply] We are in the middle of a cwisis and we weawy need to talk to them.
Ramona Nowitzki: [whispers] Sir, I would ask you not to raise your voice.
Kripke: I'm not waising my voice. [raises voice] I'm just trying to say--
[Kripke groans and drops to floor as he's zapped again]
Bert: Sorry. We're new to this whole button-in-the neck thing.
Kripke: Ow!

Bert: Hi. Can you help us?
Ramona Nowitzki: Well, I certainly hope so.
Kripke: Great. We are wooking for Dr. Weonard Hofstadter or perhaps Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Ramona Nowitzki: Do you have an appointment?
Kripke: Uh...
Bert: No.
Ramona Nowitzki: Oh, I wish you had an appointment. [continues typing]
Kripke: Can we make one?
Ramona Nowitzki: Of course.
Bert: Then we'd like to make an appointment.
Ramona Nowitzki: I don't make appointments. You'd have to contact their personal assistants. [continues typing]
Kripke: Okay. Mm! And h... how do we get in touch with them?
Ramona Nowitzki: You call them.

Kripke: So, here's what I'm thinking. We need to go to Caltech and find Weonard and Sheldon.
Stuart: Okay, you do that. I'll try to find Denise.
Kripke: With all due respect... [breathes deeply] ...perhaps we should stick together.
Stuart: And you are entitled to your opinion, but I am in love with this woman, and I have to find her.
Kripke: I understand.
Stuart: Thank you. Hmm.
Kripke: Idiot. [Kripke is zapped again] Shit!

Bert: I think what we're looking at is your classic totalitarian dystopia with a dollop of mind control surveillance.
Kripke: A dollop?
Bert: It means a small serving.
Kripke: Yeah, I know what it means-
[Kripke is zapped again]
Kripke: [cheerfully] I know what it means!

Stuart: What's that?
Bert: Best guess? A giant floating obelisk with no apparent means of propulsion?
Kripke: [with rhotacism] You are weawy getting on my nerve.
[The light on the obelisk turns red, as does the light on the device in Kripke's neck]
Kripke: Stop talking.
[Kripke groans as he once again tenses up and drops to the floor, writhing in agony]
Stuart: Another piece of the puzzle?
Bert: Maybe. [Kripke yelps]