Stuart: How's it looking?
Captain Siebert: I had a chance to talk to the judges, and I've examined the evidence against you.
Denise: And?
Captain Siebert: And this shouldn't take too long.
Stuart: Because we're innocent?
Captain Siebert: Sure.

Stuart: Hang on. Okay. Okay, you know what? We're thinking about this all wrong. We don't have to find the other machine here. We can just go back and get it.
Denise: Go back where?
Stuart: We set our machine to go, centaur, telepathy, cows, three universes, and we just take it from the other version of us.
Bert: Trippy.
Kripke: Question.
Stuart: Go ahead.
Kripke: We're in a pwison cell.
Bert: Technically, not a question.
Kripke: You're wight. Have you noticed we're in a pwison cell? [Stuart groans]

Kripke: "Why aren't you with your company?"
Stuart: Shut up.
Bert: I was just talking to Jeremy. He's one of the guards. He says they're gonna line us up and shoot us.
Kripke: You hear that? You hear what Jeremy said?

Stuart: New plan. Let's get the hell out of here.
Kripke: What happened to getting the other machine?
Stuart: You want the other machine, knock yourself out.
MP Smith: Halt. Why aren't you with your company?
Stuart: Uh... [hesitates] Why aren't you with your company?

Captain Richard Williams: Now listen, I get that you're all shitting the proverbial brick right now. Totally understandable. But as your commanding officer, it is incumbent upon me to raise your spirits, to give you hope. So, I want you to think about this. Many years from now, overweight men will dress up in uniforms just like you're wearing. And others will dress up like the enemy. And they will reenact the battle you are about to fight. But afterwards, they'll go out for beer and wings and talk about how you died a noble death. A noble death. Kind of tickles the balls, don't it? [chuckles] All right, any questions? [Bert raises his hand] Yes, soldier.
Bert: What exactly are we fighting for?
Captain Richard Williams: Family, country, God.
Bert: What is the enemy fighting for?
Captain Richard Williams: The wrong family, the wrong country, and the wrong god. Oh, and one last thing. We're running low on morphine, so, uh, try not to get wounded. Okay, let's go kill those bastards.

Keith: Charlie Company! Fall in! As you might have noticed, your prior commanding officer did a pretty good impersonation of Sonny Corleone at the tollbooth yesterday. Really? Never saw The Godfather? Doesn't matter. Anyway, we'll miss him. Rest in peace. Blah, blah, blah. Here's your new commanding officer, Captain Williams.
Captain Richard Williams: Thank you, Sergeant. Very moving. Men... and lady, I'm not gonna mince words. We've received intelligence that indicates we are in worse shape than yesterday.
Kripke: Yesterday was a massacre.
Captain Richard Williams: Can that talk, Soldier.
Kripke: Bwoodbath.
Captain Richard Williams: Sure, I'll give you bloodbath.

Denise: We're never gonna find the other machine. Let's just use the one we have and get out of here.
Stuart: Ugh. I think that's the last of Gary.
Denise: Thank you.
Stuart: I can't leave. I have a responsibility to repair, you know, the infinite totality of everything.
Denise: Damn me for falling in love with a hero. [both chuckle then kiss]

Bert: You okay?
Kripke: Not weawy.
Bert: Conscience bothering you because you shot that guy in the back?
Kripke: No.
Bert: Well, if you figure it out, I'm here for you.

Stuart: Hello.
Denise: Really?
Stuart: Mm, being close to death is kind of a turn-on.
Denise: I don't know, honey. I still have little bits of Gary in my hair.
Stuart: Ew.

Sergeant: For Lieutenant Gary! Follow me!
[As the sergeant goes to climb the ladder, Kripke pulls out his gun and shoots him]
Stuart: Oh my God, what did you do?
Kripke: Oh, I shot him in the back so we don't have to die. How is that not cwear?

Gary: All right, Charlie Company! Let's end this war! Right here, right now!
[Gary yells as he charges up a ladder, only to recoil while remaining upright as bullets repeatedly pierce him and blood spurts from all over his body]
Bert: This seems unnecessarily graphic.
[After Gary falls backwards into the trench, the group stand over him.]
Denise: Hang in there.

Denise: Oh, God. [shrieks] Where'd you put the machine? We gotta get out of here!
Stuart: I left it in our barracks to keep it safe.
Denise: Wouldn't it be safer to escape being killed? [explosion in the distance]
Stuart: Without question.
Kripke: We need to get out of here.
Denise: Yeah, we were just chatting about that.
Stuart: I left the machine back in camp.
Kripke: Sure, why would you bring a magical transport device to a bwood-soaked battlefield? [explosion; Denise shrieking]
Bert: Push the button and get us out of here!
Denise: Oh, go ahead, tell him!
Stuart: First thing you need to know, my intentions were good.

Sergeant: Charlie Company, fall in! All right, listen up! Lieutenant has a few words to say.
Gary: Thank you, Sergeant. Charlie Company, there's no easy way to say this. Alpha Company didn't make it back. Bravo Company didn't make it back. And if you're familiar with the alphabet, you're up.
Kripke: Ah, shit.
Gary: We're outgunned. We're outmanned. And we're facing a lethal and merciless enemy. All right. We're gonna say a little prayer. Everybody take a knee. Atheists, sit, stand. Your choice. [all kneel] Lord, we're probably coming home to you today. [Sergeant nods] 'Cause near as I can figure, we're marching straight into a monumental ass-reaming. So, polish up the pearly gates. We'll be seeing you soon.
Bert: Amen.

Kripke: Oh, this doesn't wook good.
PFC Collins: [whimpering] I want my mommy! I want my mommy! I want my mommy! I want my mommy!
Denise: Oh my God. He's holding his intestines in his hand.
Kripke: Could be worse.
Bert: How?
Kripke: He could be holding them in a wittle sandwich bag.

Gary: We're moving out at 0900. Get back to your unit.
Stuart: Uh, and... and that's where exactly?
Gary: Two klicks that way. Let's go. [jeep engine revving]
Stuart: Anybody know what a klick is?
[Bert raises his hand to explain but his friends have already started walking]

Gary: What are you maggots doing here?
Denise: Gary?
Gary: It's Lieutenant Jeffries, Soldier.
Stuart: What'd you ever see in that guy?
Denise: He reminded me of you.

Stuart: All right, here's the plan. Somewhere here are guys who look like us. We find them, we find the machine.
Bert: That's not a plan. That's just restating the premise.

Kripke: So, where is this other machine, oh, gwowious weader?
Stuart: Can you not be an asshole for, like, a minute?
Kripke: I'd wike to, but, uh, it's kind of my brand.

Denise: Oh, no. Trevor and Kyle.
Stuart: They died how they lived, reading comics they didn't pay for.
Bert: Rest in peace, fellas.
Kripke: Gweat. We'll send fwowers. Wet's go.

Stuart: We need the other machine. We have to go back.
Denise: Again, guns. [device turns on]
Stuart: Okay, so we don't go back exactly. We scooch it a little.
Bert: There's a scooch button?
Stuart: Maybe. Uh, this thing turns. [device beeps] [ominous whirring] Oh, oh... Oh.