Traveler: Anyway, they invented some kind of quantum entanglement thing, and you were there when it malfunctioned.
Bert: Both of us or just him?
Stuart: Doesn't matter!
Bert: It matters to me.

Traveler: Please, I don't have a lot of time. Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz. Remember them?
Stuart: Yeah, real nerds.
Bert: Pot-kettle.
Traveler: Sure.
Stuart: Fair enough.

Stuart: He can't be me.
Bert: He looks like you.
Traveler: Senior prom, Emily Manhart, peach schnapps. She was ready to go. You puked in her lap.
Bert: Sounds like you.
Stuart: At least I went to my senior prom.
Bert: I couldn't go. I had mono.

Bert: Do you have an identical twin brother?
Stuart: No.
Bert: Okay, I have two questions.
Stuart: Just two?
Traveler: I've only got a few seconds to explain this, so you gotta focus.
Stuart: Who are you?
Bert: First question.
Traveler: I'm you from another stream of reality.
Bert: Well, that answers that. Second question...
Traveler: Listen to me. This apocalyptic nightmare that you are living in, it can be avoided, it never has to happen.
Bert: Okay, now I have, like, six questions.

Bert: You ever wonder where this thing goes?
Stuart: Nope.
Bert: Probably smart.
Traveler: Stuart. We gotta talk.
Stuart: Shit just got weird.

Bert: You know, I feel the same way about Green Arrow.
Stuart: Yeah, we all do but you don't have to kill people.
[Stuart and Bert throw Trevor's dead body into the portal]
Stuart: Bye!

Trevor: Um, are you crazy? [scoffs] Hawkeye doesn't deserve to be an Avenger. Yeah...
Kyle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You do not want to go there.
Trevor: You got a guy with a bow and arrow, and he's supposed to be on the same team as a guy with an arc reactor iron suit and the literal God of Thunder? [laughs] What sense does that even make?
Kyle: I don't know, I mean... [grunts] does this make sense?
[Kyle pulls out an arrow from his quiver and repeatedly stabs Trevor in the neck. Trevor screams and falls to the floor.]
Stuart: I just mopped! We talked about this, Kyle! That's strike three!
Kyle: I'm sorry, okay? Uh, but you heard him. [Stuart points to the door] Sorry. He started it.

Bert: I think I'm ready to pull the trigger on Batman 608.
Stuart: Excellent choice. What's the trade?
Bert: What would you say to a can of Lima beans?
Stuart: Oh, geez, Bert, come on! This is near mint. I could probably get a couple Dinty Moore Beef Stews for this.
Bert: Plus... cream corn.
Stuart: Meh.
Bert: Okay. I was saving it for my birthday, but I guess I'll throw it in. Fancy Feast.
Stuart: What flavor?
Bert: Salmon.
Stuart: Sold.

Bert: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Bert.
Bert: Got anything new?
Stuart: Funny every time.