Gary: Stuart Bloom?
Stuart: Yes, sir.
Gary: [sighs] You want to sign for this?
Stuart: Gary.
Gary: All day long.
Stuart: Denise, look. It's Gary.
Denise: I see.
Gary: Do I know you guys?
Denise: We were married in another universe. Didn't work out.
Stuart: There's also, uh, another version of you who knew another version of her.
Gary: Uh-huh.
Stuart: But he's dead.
Denise: Mm.
Gary: I hate this job.

Denise: Stuart, this is your decision. I just think anyone can be a hero if they're trying to make life better for other people. And as you pointed out, this would be all people who exist or ever will exist, in every possible universe.
Stuart: If I do this, we could end up in a much worse situation than what we have right now.
Denise: There are no bad situations as long as I'm with you. [they lean in to kiss] [both gag, gulp] Mm, your cud tastes great.
Stuart: Right back at you, baby.

Stuart: So, you think I should do it?
Denise: I didn't say that.
Stuart: Denise, I'm not a hero. I'm a broke-ass failed artist who owns a comic book store. In fact, I'm such a failure, in every universe we go to, I own a comic book store.
Denise: No argument.
Stuart: You can argue a little.

Stuart: Do you think that I'm wrong for bailing out on the whole "save the universe" thing?
Denise: Doesn't matter what I think. What do you think?
Stuart: It'd be different if I signed up for it. But I didn't, so I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. Living my own life, making my own choices.
Denise: Okay.
Stuart: And besides, nothing really happens for hundreds of years.
Denise: True.
Stuart: I mean, sure, there'd be an infinite number of lives lost or never even born across an infinite number of universes. And how's that my problem?
Denise: It most certainly is not.
Stuart: Thank you.
Denise: Unless you want it to be.

Stuart: "Shrub Hub." Makes sense. Shrub Hub. Who's ready for Japanese food?
Denise: Me, me.
Stuart: The only downside to the whole four stomach thing is I'm constantly hungry.
Denise: I know. Mm, bonsai. Soy sauce? [Stuart hands Denise a packet] Thank you.

Bert: Seventh grade, I had a teacher. Mr. Morinelli. He's the one who inspired me to start a geology club. Uh, it didn't really catch on at first. It was just me and Karen Hartman and Larry O'Malley. He had a twin brother. Can't remember his name. [whooshing] It rhymed with Larry. It was like Barry or Harry.
Kripke: Oh, God, just wet me hit the gwound.
Bert: Gary! Gary O'Malley! That's it. I knew I'd remember it.

Stuart: Look. Even if I wanted to save the universe, I don't have the device anymore.
Stuart Prime: So order another one!
Stuart: How can there be another one?
Stuart Prime: How can this conversation be happening?
Stuart: [sighs] You-- You're not listening to me. I'm done with the Leonard/Sheldon thingy and the universe hopping and you! Mostly you.
[As Stuart walks away, Stuart Prime starts to walk after him]
Denise: Don't. Let me talk to you.

Stuart Prime: Okay. [clears throat] You know what? I'm gonna explain this as simply as I can. [inhales deeply] Because you are entangled with the primary incident of divergence at a quantum level...
[Denise gags, gulps] [Stuart munches] ...you are inextricably bound to the potential resolution of the fragmentation of the multi-state universe. You get what I'm saying? [Stuart and Denise shake their heads] You're the only one who can save the universe.
Stuart: Yeah, well... [sighs] ...maybe I don't want to.
Stuart Prime: You have to.
Stuart: Is there someone else I can talk to?
Stuart Prime: Like my manager? I'm a projection from a collapsing adjacent reality. Does that sound like someone who has a manager?
Denise: Well, maybe not a manager, but there must've been someone who told you what time to come in today. [Stuart Prime groans]

Stuart Prime: So, you want to explain to me why you gave the Leonard/Sheldon thingy to Bert and Kripke?
Stuart: Uh, well, we decided to stay here.
Stuart Prime: Oh, okay, cool! "We decided to stay here. It's great. I don't have to save the universe. I can just chew my frickin' cud."
Denise: [scoffs] Other you's kind of a dick.

Stuart Prime: It's about time.
Stuart: [yelps] What are you doing here?
Stuart Prime: What's it look like? I'm waiting for you.
Denise: Stuart?
Both Stuarts: Yeah?
Stuart Prime: Sorry, go ahead.
Stuart: Uh, Denise... this is the other me I told you about.
Stuart Prime: Hey.
Denise: Hey.

Bert: Wanna play a game?
Kripke: What?
Bert: You know, pass the time.
Kripke: You're kidding?
Bert: When I was a kid on car trips, my mom and I would play 20 questions.
Kripke: I'm not pwaying 20 questions while we're falling through an endwess void.
Bert: Okay. [whooshing continues]
Kripke: Okay, screw it. I got one.
Bert: Great. Is it something you eat?
Kripke: No.
Bert: I give up.

Bert: Push the button! Get us out of here!
Kripke: Oh, right, yeah. [button clicks] [device creaks, beeps] [whooshing] [button clicks] [device creaks, beeps] Shit!
Bert: It didn't work.
Kripke: I know. Hence "Shit."

Raj Koothrappali: Don't you get it? The universe is ending, and there's nothing we can do about it.
Stuart: Nothing?
Raj Koothrappali: Not a damn thing.
Stuart: Okay. Well... good to see you.
Raj Koothrappali: Good to see you. [they fist bump] [Raj chuckles]
Denise: Good luck with all this.
Raj Koothrappali: Thanks.
Denise: Okay.
[Raj steps up back on his soapbox]
Raj Koothrappali: We're all going to die!

Denise: Grandchildren? We haven't really talked about starting a... [gags, gulps] ...family.
Stuart: Maybe we should.
Denise: Clock's ticking.

Raj Koothrappali: It means there isn't much time before everything we know and love is gone.
Denise: Well, how much time are we talking about?
Raj Koothrappali: Not a lot, guys. Three to four hundred years.
Stuart: Oh, buddy, even if you're right, we'll all be dead. Who cares?
Raj Koothrappali: "Who cares"? I'll tell you who cares. Your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great-grandchildren. Oh, no. One more great.

Raj Koothrappali: I-- I've tried calling and warning everyone. JPL, NASA, the White House. You know what they said to me? They said I was crazy.
Stuart: Really? You screamed that the universe is coming to an end to the lady that answers the phone at the White House and she didn't take you seriously?
Raj Koothrappali: Entire star systems at the edge of the universe are disappearing. Which means...
Stuart: Sorry, all I got is schmutz.

Raj Koothrappali: [hesitates] Listen to me. It's not just GN-z11. It's the Triangulum Galaxy and the Hyperion proto-supercluster.
Denise: Oh, no.
Stuart: Why "oh, no"?
Denise: "Oh, yay" sounded wrong.

Raj Koothrappali: Are you familiar with the galaxy GN-z11?
Stuart: Um, no.
Denise: No.
Raj Koothrappali: It's the most distant galaxy the Hubble telescope can see, and guess what?
Stuart: Mm...
Raj Koothrappali: Don't bother. It's a rhetorical question. The whole damn thing... gone.
Denise: How can a galaxy disappear?
Stuart: You sure the Hubble telescope doesn't have some schmutz on it?
Raj Koothrappali: It's the Hubble! It doesn't have schmutz!
Stuart: Schmutz happens to everything.

Stuart: Raj.
Raj Koothrappali: What?
Stuart: What are you doing?
Raj Koothrappali: What does it look like?
Stuart: Mm, to be honest, paranoid schizophrenia.
Raj Koothrappali: [to the crowd] Be right back.

Raj Koothrappali: Everybody, listen to me! The universe is collapsing. We're running out of time! We must take action before it's too late. No one is safe. Ignore me all you want, but it's coming for you! The end times are near, people!
Denise: Look, it's Raj.
Stuart: Oh, he's not dead here. That's nice.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, you think you can go on? Living your little lives in your little houses? It's coming for you! It's coming for all of you!