Denise: What's your plan?
Stuart: No, I don't really have one. I'm kind of new to the action genre.

Stuart: Denise, what are you doing?
Denise: Trying to keep you alive.
Gary: I don't care about your life. I'm just hoping to get laid tonight.
Denise: Gary.
Gary: Oh, uh...
Bert: Very kind. Thank you.

Stuart: Oh, that looks bad.
Bert: Because of all the guns?
Stuart: Yes, because of all the guns.

Gary: Well, good luck.
Denise: Yeah, nice to see you.
Stuart: Yeah, you too. Have fun with the... looting and stuff.
Bert: Ciao. [Stuart and Bert walk off]
Gary: They're gonna die.
Denise: Oh, yeah.

Stuart: Anyway, uh, we gotta go.
Bert: Yeah, Caltech. We're on a quest.
Denise: There's no more Caltech. What's left of it is a death trap.
Bert: We don't have a choice.
Stuart: Yeah, an alternate version of me came from another universe and explained how I can undo the apocalypse.
Bert: It was really cool.
Denise: An alternate version of you?
Bert: Yeah, same pasty face and same whiny voice.
Stuart: It was like looking in a mirror.

Denise: Anyway, we, um, you know, comforted each other.
Gary: The lady has skills, am I right?
Stuart: Well... To be honest, I mostly focused on my own performance.

Denise: Funny story, actually, uh, Gary was seeing my friend Lisa.
Gary: Oh, nice girl. Yeah, Jewish.
Denise: Yeah, and anyway, Lisa got eaten by cannibals in Sherman Oaks.
Stuart: Oh, no.
Denise: Mm-hmm.
Bert: Human meat isn't kosher, but I guess that only matters if the cannibals are also Jewish.

Gary: What's going on?
Denise: Don't worry, Gary. I know these guys.
Gary: So, we're not robbing, we're not killing? What are we doing?
Denise: You remember I mentioned Stuart?
Gary: Oh, sure. How's it going? Gary.
Stuart: Hi. So, are you two...?
Denise: You gotta remember, I thought you were dead.
Stuart: Yeah, no, right, right, yeah.

Stuart: So, what have you been up to?
Denise: Robbing mostly. Still working on my screenplay.
Stuart: Oh, good for you.

Stuart: Oh! Oh, this feels so good.
Bert: Go easy. We're sharing that.

Stuart: Oh, my God, look. Floss.
Bert: Just hurry. It's getting dark.
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuse me, uh, how much for a foot of floss?
Floss Vendor: Mint or regular?
Stuart: Uh, let me get the regular.
Floss Vendor: Oh.
[As Stuart pays for the floss with a pack of Mac and Cheese, a masked figure with a rifle observes him]
Floss Vendor: Thank you.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, look at that. Can't put a price on healthy gums.

Penn: Thank you! We are Penn and Teller... [audience applauds] And we'll be here until we're dead! [squishes rat]

Penn: Juggling two... [yelps] Juggling two starving feral creatures, as, uh, you can see, is not difficult, but... [rats squeal; Penn groans] Juggling three is... [grunts] profoundly stupid. Ow!
Bert: I saw them in Vegas. Such a fun night.
Stuart: Oh. You know who I loved in Vegas and I didn't think I would?
Bert: Huh?
Stuart: Celine Dion.
Bert: Mm.

Bert: What are you doing?
Stuart: What's it look like? I'm trying to get us to Caltech.
Bert: With a Thomas Guide?
Stuart: I would've used the GPS on my iPhone, but civilization seemed to have collapsed.

Bert: Maybe we have a chance to fix the world.
Stuart: I don't know, I think it's important to ask the question. Is this reality that bad?
[A zombie hand groans and reaches towards Bert, who crushes it with his foot]
Bert: I think there's room for improvement.

Bert: Shall we?
Stuart: [sighs] Mm, I don't know. I'm having second thoughts.
Bert: What are you talking about? We've been given a quest.
Stuart: Yeah, but, uh, do we believe that guy?
Bert: That guy was you.
Stuart: That's my point. When did we start listening to me?

Bert: [to a rabid dog that just attacked a person] Nice catch, Steve!
Stuart: How is it out there?
Bert: It's a little nippy. Wear layers.

Traveler: [sighs] Guys, please! The machine is still at Caltech. Here's what you have to do.
Stuart: Hang on, let me write this down. "Cal..." Oh, shoot! [shakes pen]
Bert: What is shaking it gonna do?
Traveler: Stop talking and listen.
Bert: You know, I might have a Sharpie, excuse me.
Traveler: Listen! When you get to the machine... [garbled speech] Damn it!
Stuart: W... What's happening?
Traveler: I don't know! I'm going through some kind of wormhole! [groans] The important thing is... [garbled speech] And... And when you find him... [garbled speech] And that will fix everything. [The traveler disappears]
Stuart: You get any of that?
Bert: I got the gist.

Traveler: You can put everything right. You can make it the way it was. You just have to find the...
Stuart: Hang on. Hang on! If you're me from another reality, how can you be in this one?
Traveler: I don't know. I'm not a quantum physicist. I went to the Rhode Island School of Design.
Bert: I didn't know that.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, I have a BFA.
Bert: Really? How come you never did anything with it?
Stuart: What am I gonna do, teach high school kids how to draw fruit?

Traveler: The point is, it altered reality. None of this is supposed to be.
Stuart: And by none of this, you mean...?
Traveler: None of it! The violence, the devastation, the dimensional rifts!
Bert: Dimensional rifts!
Stuart: Now we know.
Traveler: None of this is normal. [a giant moth hits the window of the comic book store] Certainly not that!
Bert: The big moth?
Traveler: [scoffs] Yes! Yes! The big moth!
Stuart: If you turn the lights off, they don't bother you.