Stuart: Anyway, uh, we gotta go.
Bert: Yeah, Caltech. We're on a quest.
Denise: There's no more Caltech. What's left of it is a death trap.
Bert: We don't have a choice.
Stuart: Yeah, an alternate version of me came from another universe and explained how I can undo the apocalypse.
Bert: It was really cool.
Denise: An alternate version of you?
Bert: Yeah, same pasty face and same whiny voice.
Stuart: It was like looking in a mirror.

Stuart: What do we do? What do we do?
Denise: Uh... Uh... Set the impedance to point seven.
Stuart: [stammers] The what?
Denise: Yeah, right here.
Stuart: Okay, uh...
Denise: Uh, disengage the attenuator.
Stuart: Okay. [stammers] Mm... [device dings] Okay.
Denise: Turn the main release.
Stuart: Done!
Denise: But first...
Stuart: "But first"? What do you mean "but first"?

Stuart: Think you'll be letting Bert out anytime soon?
Amy Farrah Fowler: We don't have a patient named Bert.
Stuart: Of course not. I was just testing you. You passed! I'm gonna go now.

Droppings Reader: Looks like nothing for me today. [pats Stuart on the back] Good luck.
Stuart: That's probably not coming out.

Stuart: Do you think that I'm wrong for bailing out on the whole "save the universe" thing?
Denise: Doesn't matter what I think. What do you think?
Stuart: It'd be different if I signed up for it. But I didn't, so I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. Living my own life, making my own choices.
Denise: Okay.
Stuart: And besides, nothing really happens for hundreds of years.
Denise: True.
Stuart: I mean, sure, there'd be an infinite number of lives lost or never even born across an infinite number of universes. And how's that my problem?
Denise: It most certainly is not.
Stuart: Thank you.
Denise: Unless you want it to be.

Stuart: We gotta follow him.
[Regular Stuart and his group follow the Army group and disappear into the interdimensional bubble]
Lab Coat Denise: Now what?
Lab Coat Kripke: I could eat.
[The Lab Coat group all kneel down and start chewing grass]

Stuart: New plan. Let's get the hell out of here.
Kripke: What happened to getting the other machine?
Stuart: You want the other machine, knock yourself out.
MP Smith: Halt. Why aren't you with your company?
Stuart: Uh... [hesitates] Why aren't you with your company?

Penny: All right, I'm gonna give you one last chance to save your ass. We have prepared a fake battle plan. All you need to do is use your device, transmit it to your friends on the other side, and we'll commute your sentence to a life of hard labor.
Stuart: Done, done, and done.
Penny: All right, untie him, take his blindfold off now. [a soldier does so] Hi.
Stuart: Okay, uh, let me just warm this up. [loudly] And we are preparing to transmit the fake battle plans on three, two, one! [Kripke, Bert and Denise move closer to Stuart and the device] [device whirring]
Penny: What's happening?

Stuart: All I can tell you is that you don't have to live with this AI thing controlling you.
Denise: How?
Stuart: It's a little complicated. I've got this machine back at the store that... it... [hesitates] I- I- I- I- It...
It- You're just gonna have to trust me.
Gary: May I ask a question?
Stuart: Of course. I realize how upsetting this must be for you.
Gary: I'm not upset. Denise, are you upset?
Denise: No, of course not.
Gary: What do you want her to do?
Stuart: Well... Like I said, I want her to leave you and... and come with me.

[Cartoon versions of the group appear on the cover of a comic book]
Kripke: [v.o.] Where the hell are we?
Stuart: [v.o.] I'm gonna guess wherever we are, we're trapped.
[The camera pans up to the title of the comic book, "Stuart Fails to Save the Universe TRAPPED!"]

Denise: Oh, my gosh, Gary.
Stuart: It's terrible. Just terrible. But you know what? You... you're gonna find somebody else. Maybe sooner than you think.
[Bert give Stuart a thumbs up]

Bert: I'll just get in the car.
Officer McCaffrey: Oh, thank you.
Bert: Yeah.
[As Bert gets in the back of the police car with Kripke still writhing about on the grass outside, Stuart is already in the vehicle and holds two bottles of water:]
Stuart: Sparkling or flat?

Denise: I need a drink.
Stuart: Uh... That's right. This version of you is an alcoholic.
Denise: I'm not an alcoholic. I can quit anytime I want. [exits]
Stuart: Okay, I guess I'll be here selling, uh... whatever the hell this is.
[As Stuart opens the death book, a spirit emerges from the book and screams. Stuart screams in response.]

Stuart: Hey, guys, I'm gonna throw something out there. Why don't we just stay in this reality?
Denise: What happened to you saving the universe?
Stuart: I know, but I mean, let's be honest. Were any of us really clear on how that was supposed to work?
Bert: Not really.
Stuart: Right. And yeah, this place isn't perfect... [gags] [gulps] ...but there's no evil computers, no one's getting burned at the stake.
Bert: You really want to stay here?
Stuart: Why not? I mean, we can't get the hang of that stupid machine. Every place we go turns out to be dangerous.

Denise: I'm actually gonna miss them.
Stuart: Yeah. Think you got one more moo in you?
Denise: Only one way to find out.

Stuart Prime: It's about time.
Stuart: [yelps] What are you doing here?
Stuart Prime: What's it look like? I'm waiting for you.
Denise: Stuart?
Both Stuarts: Yeah?
Stuart Prime: Sorry, go ahead.
Stuart: Uh, Denise... this is the other me I told you about.
Stuart Prime: Hey.
Denise: Hey.

Stuart: We need the other machine. We have to go back.
Denise: Again, guns. [device turns on]
Stuart: Okay, so we don't go back exactly. We scooch it a little.
Bert: There's a scooch button?
Stuart: Maybe. Uh, this thing turns. [device beeps] [ominous whirring] Oh, oh... Oh.

General Adams: The defendants will rise.
Stuart: [imitates hyperventilating] I'm having an asthma attack! [inhaler hisses]
Bert: And I am thinking of a card.
Stuart: [imitates hyperventilating]

Bert: You ever wonder where this thing goes?
Stuart: Nope.
Bert: Probably smart.
Traveler: Stuart. We gotta talk.
Stuart: Shit just got weird.

Stuart: Oh! Oh, this feels so good.
Bert: Go easy. We're sharing that.