Stuart: Bert, I'd be very happy to be your best man.
Bert: You don't look happy.
Stuart: What do you want from me? I ran out of Lexapro.

Denise: Oh, no. Trevor and Kyle.
Stuart: They died how they lived, reading comics they didn't pay for.
Bert: Rest in peace, fellas.
Kripke: Gweat. We'll send fwowers. Wet's go.

Bert: What are you doing?
Stuart: What's it look like? I'm trying to get us to Caltech.
Bert: With a Thomas Guide?
Stuart: I would've used the GPS on my iPhone, but civilization seemed to have collapsed.

Denise: Anyway, we, um, you know, comforted each other.
Gary: The lady has skills, am I right?
Stuart: Well... To be honest, I mostly focused on my own performance.

Denise: Just so I'm clear, you told you to use that machine to get back to your universe.
Stuart: Uh, no, not my universe. His universe, which was supposed to be my universe.
Denise: And he was you?
Stuart: Almost. He was the me I was supposed to have been.
Denise: But if you were supposed to have been him, then how could he have existed to tell you that?
Stuart: Fair question. More importantly, you and I are back together.
Denise: What do you mean, "back together"? We were never together.
Stuart: Okay! Yep. I see what your problem is. You're confusing the you and I that you remember with the you and I that I remember. Easy mistake.
Denise: This is insane.
Stuart: [chuckles] Yes, it is. [hesitantly leans in for a hug and gives up] A wonderful story to tell our grandchildren.

Denise: So, we're really stuck here?
Stuart: Well, hang on. Someone's been sending me messages. Maybe they'll tell us how to fix the machine.
Denise: But there's no technology here. How do you send a message?
Stuart: Primitive cultures had lots of ways to communicate. Drums, smoke signals... a third thing.

Bert: I think I'm ready to pull the trigger on Batman 608.
Stuart: Excellent choice. What's the trade?
Bert: What would you say to a can of Lima beans?
Stuart: Oh, geez, Bert, come on! This is near mint. I could probably get a couple Dinty Moore Beef Stews for this.
Bert: Plus... cream corn.
Stuart: Meh.
Bert: Okay. I was saving it for my birthday, but I guess I'll throw it in. Fancy Feast.
Stuart: What flavor?
Bert: Salmon.
Stuart: Sold.

Traveler: Please, I don't have a lot of time. Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz. Remember them?
Stuart: Yeah, real nerds.
Bert: Pot-kettle.
Traveler: Sure.
Stuart: Fair enough.

Traveler: The point is, it altered reality. None of this is supposed to be.
Stuart: And by none of this, you mean...?
Traveler: None of it! The violence, the devastation, the dimensional rifts!
Bert: Dimensional rifts!
Stuart: Now we know.
Traveler: None of this is normal. [a giant moth hits the window of the comic book store] Certainly not that!
Bert: The big moth?
Traveler: [scoffs] Yes! Yes! The big moth!
Stuart: If you turn the lights off, they don't bother you.

Penn: Juggling two... [yelps] Juggling two starving feral creatures, as, uh, you can see, is not difficult, but... [rats squeal; Penn groans] Juggling three is... [grunts] profoundly stupid. Ow!
Bert: I saw them in Vegas. Such a fun night.
Stuart: Oh. You know who I loved in Vegas and I didn't think I would?
Bert: Huh?
Stuart: Celine Dion.
Bert: Mm.

Trevor: Uh, how much do you want for "Superman and Lex Luthor: Best Buddies Number 30"?
Stuart: "Best Buddies"? Let me see that. What the hell?
Bert: Stuart, look at this. This whole wall is Archie comics.
Stuart: What? I don't carry Archie.
Bert: You do now.
Kripke: "Wichie Wich: Effective Altruist Number 12".
Stuart: Richie Rich what?

Stuart: Give me your hand.
Denise: Why?
Stuart: I don't wanna have to find you again. [Bert gives Stuart a thumbs up]

Denise: What is happening?
Stuart: Well, let's see. Bert's magic, Kripke's a penguin.
Kripke: Hey.
Stuart: And Wil Wheaton's mad 'cause I gave blood to Bernadette.
Denise: Why?
Stuart: She may or may not have saved Chocolate Chip.
Denise: A cookie?
Stuart: A dog.
Denise: Oh.

Nurse Stephanie: Mr. Bloom. How are we today?
Stuart: What?
Nurse Stephanie: Time for your meds.
Stuart: Meds?
Nurse Stephanie: Mm-hmm, three o'clock.
Stuart: Okay.
[Stuart swallows the pills and then drinks the water]
Nurse Stephanie: Oh, isn't that nice? You're very talented. Mm-hmm.
[As Nurse Stephanie walks away, Stuart looks down at his drawing, showing Denise, himself, Bert and Penguin Kripke in front of the counter at the store with the vari-state quantum interference device]
Stuart: Oh, this is not good.

Stuart: You gotta get me out of here.
Denise: Oh, honey, I wish I could. You've gotta get well first.
Stuart: Mm, there's nothing wrong with me.
Denise: Stuart, please, you need help. I miss you. The children miss you.
Stuart: I have children?
Denise: Oh, my God.
Stuart: I'm a dad?
Denise: You're a wonderful dad. Jaden and Talia love you so very much.
Stuart: Okay. I'll do the work. I'll get better.
Denise: Oh, thank you.
Stuart: Uh... Whose idea was it to name them Jaden and Talia?
Denise: Yours.
Stuart: Oh, I do need help.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I see you've been working very hard.
Stuart: I have, yeah.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I've got a nice note here from your occupational therapist.
Stuart: Really?
Amy Farrah Fowler: "Mr. Bloom brings a refreshing enthusiasm to his leather work."
Stuart: I made this wallet. Three compartments and... a coin purse.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Always need a place for your coins.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I still have some concerns.
Stuart: No, I'm... I'm eating well, I'm sleeping well. Last movie night, they played Step Brothers, and I laughed. [Amy looks up from her notes] ...in all the right places. Any way you look at it, I am well.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, that's not really for you to decide, is it?
Stuart: No, it's for you to decide. Have you?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I have.
Stuart: I can make you a nice belt.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Not necessary. It's time you go home.

Stuart: Bye! If any of my friends lose their marbles, I'll send 'em here.

Denise: I mean, I don't wanna put any pressure on things or push you too much, but... [sighs] ...Mama really missed her Big Daddy.
Stuart: Uh, I... I'm Big Daddy?
Denise: Yeah, you are.
Stuart: Okay.
Denise: Yeah.
Stuart: Just checking. "Big" is a, uh, great adjective.
Denise: Mm-hmm. [chuckles]
Stuart: Unless you're talking about a suspicious lump.

Denise: What's that?
Stuart: You can see it?
Denise: Yeah, I can see it. What is it?
Stuart: You ever wonder whether any of this is real?
Denise: What are you talking about?
Stuart: Doesn't bother you that everything seems perfect?
Denise: No. This is the life we dreamed of.
Stuart: Exactly! When have my dreams ever come true?
Denise: Stuart, you're scaring me.
Stuart: You think you're scared now? You might wanna tighten your sphincter.