Stuart: That was more than a cup.
Kripke: We're gonna need some backup in case your bwood doesn't do the twick.
Stuart: You're right. Hey, Alexa. Huh. Hey, Alexa.
Alexa: I was taking a dump. What do you want?
Stuart: Where would we find Sheldon Cooper?
Alexa: Searching. Sheldon Cooper is currently starring in a revival of Man of La Mancha on Broadway.
Stuart: Damn it. We'll never get him to help us.
Kripke: I saw that with, uh, John Withgow.
Stuart: Oh, he's always good.

Kyle: You're not listening to me, okay? The centrifugal force of Thor's hammer is what allows him to fly.
Trevor: But Thor is throwing it. That violates Newton's first law.
Kyle: Uh, hey. Hey, hey. Settle an argument for us. Laws of physics don't apply to Norse gods, right?
Stuart: Of course not. Thor, along with the other inhabitants of Asgard, exist outside the paradigm of the physical universe. [gasps] How do I know that?

Stuart Prime: [v.o.] "It was like any other Tuesday at Caltech. Smart people doing smart stuff. Leonard, Sheldon, and Howard constructed a Vari-state Quantum Entanglement Device. Stuart Bloom stopped by to share the news of a clean colonoscopy. In his excitement, he knocked the device off the table."
Denise: [knocks on door] [o.s.] Honey, everything all right?
Stuart: Uh, yeah, give me a minute.
Stuart Prime: "From that point on, Stuart was entangled with the fate of the universe."
Stuart: Oh, Jesus.
Denise: You need the MiraLAX?
Stuart: Uh, no, no. I'm okay.
Denise: Don't strain. Remember, that's how Elvis died.
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

Stuart Prime: [v.o.] "Messages were sent to help him, but the big dope didn't notice."
Stuart: I'm a big dope? You're a big dope.
Denise: If you need it, there's a Fleet enema under the sink.
Stuart: Great, thanks.
Stuart Prime: "So you've gotta fix it. We're going to send you more instructions, but first, you have to escape from this prison."
Stuart: "Prison"?
Bert: [echoes] "None of this is real!" [Denise knocks again]
Stuart: Coming!

Stuart: Bert, I'd be very happy to be your best man.
Bert: You don't look happy.
Stuart: What do you want from me? I ran out of Lexapro.

Denise: Oh, no. Trevor and Kyle.
Stuart: They died how they lived, reading comics they didn't pay for.
Bert: Rest in peace, fellas.
Kripke: Gweat. We'll send fwowers. Wet's go.

Kripke: [sighs] Okay, where do we wocate Mr. Flash?
Stuart: He's in Central City.
Kripke: And where is that?
Stuart: According to DC canon, roughly around Kansas City.
Kripke: Tewwific. And we are in...
Stuart: We're- We're in New Jersey.
Bert: Gotham City isn't New York?
Denise: No, and guess what? Metropolis is in Delaware.
Bert: No way.
Stuart: Way. Amazing World of DC Comics #14. They're twin cities.

Bert: What are you doing?
Stuart: What's it look like? I'm trying to get us to Caltech.
Bert: With a Thomas Guide?
Stuart: I would've used the GPS on my iPhone, but civilization seemed to have collapsed.

Denise: Anyway, we, um, you know, comforted each other.
Gary: The lady has skills, am I right?
Stuart: Well... To be honest, I mostly focused on my own performance.

Denise: Just so I'm clear, you told you to use that machine to get back to your universe.
Stuart: Uh, no, not my universe. His universe, which was supposed to be my universe.
Denise: And he was you?
Stuart: Almost. He was the me I was supposed to have been.
Denise: But if you were supposed to have been him, then how could he have existed to tell you that?
Stuart: Fair question. More importantly, you and I are back together.
Denise: What do you mean, "back together"? We were never together.
Stuart: Okay! Yep. I see what your problem is. You're confusing the you and I that you remember with the you and I that I remember. Easy mistake.
Denise: This is insane.
Stuart: [chuckles] Yes, it is. [hesitantly leans in for a hug and gives up] A wonderful story to tell our grandchildren.

Denise: So, we're really stuck here?
Stuart: Well, hang on. Someone's been sending me messages. Maybe they'll tell us how to fix the machine.
Denise: But there's no technology here. How do you send a message?
Stuart: Primitive cultures had lots of ways to communicate. Drums, smoke signals... a third thing.

Stuart: You know what? This is actually great. Whatever put us here made a huge mistake. Who knows more about comic books than Stuart David Bloom?
Bert: Frank Miller? Alan Moore?
Stuart: No one. My sad, miserable childhood has led me to this moment. Comic books are my superpower.

Stuart: Did you hear anything?
Denise: [mockingly] No, I didn't hear anything.
Stuart: Denise, come on. Are you gonna tell me what I did wrong?
Bert: I can. [off Denise's look] But I won't. [studio audience laughing] Again?
Kripke: I am reawwy freaking out.
Stuart: [echoing slam] [low ominous rumbling] Holy shit.
Denise: Now what?
Stuart: You don't see this? The whole store changed! It's gone all bright! That wall disappeared. [rumbling stops]
Denise: I see a wall.

Denise: What is all this? Are we dead?
Bert: Or maybe we were never real.
Stuart: Of course we're real. Figments of the imagination don't have irritable bowel syndrome.
Kripke: You too?
Stuart: Yeah.
Kripke: Hey. [they fist bump] What do you do for it?
Stuart: You have to learn to manage stress, and it sounds counterintuitive, but you actually want a little less fiber.
Kripke: Intewesting. I'll try that.
Denise: Oh, my God. Will you two stop? We just walked past actors who play us. That has to be more pressing than the quality of your BMs.
Stuart: You're right. I mean, I don't wish what happens to me in the bathroom on my worst enemy, but you're-- you're right.

Bert: I think I'm ready to pull the trigger on Batman 608.
Stuart: Excellent choice. What's the trade?
Bert: What would you say to a can of Lima beans?
Stuart: Oh, geez, Bert, come on! This is near mint. I could probably get a couple Dinty Moore Beef Stews for this.
Bert: Plus... cream corn.
Stuart: Meh.
Bert: Okay. I was saving it for my birthday, but I guess I'll throw it in. Fancy Feast.
Stuart: What flavor?
Bert: Salmon.
Stuart: Sold.

Traveler: Please, I don't have a lot of time. Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz. Remember them?
Stuart: Yeah, real nerds.
Bert: Pot-kettle.
Traveler: Sure.
Stuart: Fair enough.

Traveler: The point is, it altered reality. None of this is supposed to be.
Stuart: And by none of this, you mean...?
Traveler: None of it! The violence, the devastation, the dimensional rifts!
Bert: Dimensional rifts!
Stuart: Now we know.
Traveler: None of this is normal. [a giant moth hits the window of the comic book store] Certainly not that!
Bert: The big moth?
Traveler: [scoffs] Yes! Yes! The big moth!
Stuart: If you turn the lights off, they don't bother you.

Penn: Juggling two... [yelps] Juggling two starving feral creatures, as, uh, you can see, is not difficult, but... [rats squeal; Penn groans] Juggling three is... [grunts] profoundly stupid. Ow!
Bert: I saw them in Vegas. Such a fun night.
Stuart: Oh. You know who I loved in Vegas and I didn't think I would?
Bert: Huh?
Stuart: Celine Dion.
Bert: Mm.

Trevor: Uh, how much do you want for "Superman and Lex Luthor: Best Buddies Number 30"?
Stuart: "Best Buddies"? Let me see that. What the hell?
Bert: Stuart, look at this. This whole wall is Archie comics.
Stuart: What? I don't carry Archie.
Bert: You do now.
Kripke: "Wichie Wich: Effective Altruist Number 12".
Stuart: Richie Rich what?

Stuart: Give me your hand.
Denise: Why?
Stuart: I don't wanna have to find you again. [Bert gives Stuart a thumbs up]