Bert: Shall we?
Stuart: [sighs] Mm, I don't know. I'm having second thoughts.
Bert: What are you talking about? We've been given a quest.
Stuart: Yeah, but, uh, do we believe that guy?
Bert: That guy was you.
Stuart: That's my point. When did we start listening to me?

Denise: What's your plan?
Stuart: No, I don't really have one. I'm kind of new to the action genre.

Stuart: Okay, I'm just gonna say it, and forgive me if it doesn't make sense. Denise, you and I are destined to be together, and I have come from a parallel universe... uh, to "claim" you.
Denise: Well, that is really something.
Gary: Mind-blowing. [Denise chuckles]
Stuart: Okay, you're... So, you're like a running joke in all this, aren't you?
Gary: Sorry?
Stuart: Uh, it's not important.

Christine Baranski: [on big screen] Not too long ago, human beings were on the verge of extinction. Violence, crime, and war were running rampant. That's when our government turned to the whiz kids in Silicon Valley and said... "Can you save us from ourselves?" [chuckling] And boy, oh, boy, did they! Well, not so much them, but the AI they built. Shortly after it turned on its creators, brutally killing them all... ...the AI implanted electronic punishment devices in everyone's brain stem. Mix that with a little aerial surveillance, and before you know it, a world free of anger, war, and insult comics. Does it work all the time? If it did, you wouldn't be here beginning your 30-month re-education process. Will that hurt? [laughs] Like a motherfucker. But when you walk out of here, you will be one happy amigo.
Stuart: We gotta escape.
Bert: How?
Stuart: I don't know, but I'll figure it out.

Kripke: We gotta get out of here.
Stuart: Why? It's not such a bad world. We could chill here for a while.
Kripke: Stuart, the people here think science is evil.
Stuart: How's that different from our world?

Wil Wheaton: [voice echoes] Stuart Bloom!
Stuart: Wil Wheaton?
Wil Wheaton: Did you give blood to Bernadette Rostenkowski?
Stuart: A little. Why?
Wil Wheaton: Oh, you stupid, stupid man. The guild sanctioned her for a reason.
Kripke: Oh, yeah, the dog. [nods]
Wil Wheaton: What dog? She's a demon.
Stuart: Oh, she can be a little bitchy. I wouldn't call her a demon.

Stuart: So, what have you been up to?
Denise: Robbing mostly. Still working on my screenplay.
Stuart: Oh, good for you.

Denise: Funny story, actually, uh, Gary was seeing my friend Lisa.
Gary: Oh, nice girl. Yeah, Jewish.
Denise: Yeah, and anyway, Lisa got eaten by cannibals in Sherman Oaks.
Stuart: Oh, no.
Denise: Mm-hmm.
Bert: Human meat isn't kosher, but I guess that only matters if the cannibals are also Jewish.

Stuart: What are you doing here?
Raj Koothrappali: Isn't it obvious? I'm in a locked room. I haven't changed my underwear in years, and I crap in a bucket!
Bert: So, you're like a prisoner?
Raj Koothrappali: I rode an elephant to my wedding and now I crap in a bucket!
Bert: Congratulations. Uh, on the wedding thing.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, a moth ate her.

Soldier #1: All kneel... for the Grand Caliph of South Pasadena, Flintridge, and Monrovia! The Supreme Ruler of the San Gabriel Valley!
Denise: I'm not kneeling for anybody!
[The guard fires a warning shot in the air. Denise gasps and they all kneel down.]
Denise: Okay, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Kripke: Hello, pwisoners.
Stuart: Kripke?
Soldier #1: Ward Kripke.
Kripke: Not Ward. "Word."
Soldier #1: What... What'd I say?
Kripke: You said "Ward," and...

Denise: But this world is a living nightmare. Don't you wanna put things right?
Kripke: Were you not wistening? I... I got all the girls. [chuckles] By the way, uh... uh, are you...you seeing anyone or...?
Stuart: She's with me.
Denise: No, I'm not.
Stuart: [in singsong] I... I'm trying to protect you.
Bert: Hmm.
Kripke: Take the wench, wash her, bring her to my woom.
Denise: [scoffs] I'd rather die!
Kripke: I understand. Wash her and kill her.

Bert: Stuart, please come back.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, move towards the light!
Stuart: No.

Stuart: I can't believe I lost the love of my life and I get you.
Bert: Let's not forget, he killed Raj.
Kripke: [chuckles] Well, now, there are two possibilities. One, the world we were just in no wonger exists, in which case I did not "kill Waj." Two, that world and this world are part of an infinite number of worlds, in which case I killed one of an infinite number of Wajs. Mathematicawy, a wounding error.

Kripke: Gentlemen, we are in hell.
Bert: Really? Everyone's being so nice to each other.
Mailman: Hi!
Stuart: Yeah, they have devices implanted in their necks to make them nice.
Bert: Would you rather push the button on the Sheldon/Leonard thingy and try another universe?
Kripke: No, thanks. We could wind up somewhere worse.
Bert: Like where humans are a meat source for a highly evolved wizard people?
Kripke: Yeah, like that.
Bert: Or one where everyone's French, but no one speaks French.

Kripke: Anyway, the device has torn the fabwic of weality, possibly causing the universe to cowapse and then weegwo.
Ramona Nowitzki: "Weegwo"?
Kripke: Yeah, weegwo.
Ramona Nowitzki: What is "weegwo"?
Kripke: Weegwo. Uh, uh, like a plant weegwos.
Ramona Nowitzki: Weegwo?
Kripke: Wee-gwo.
Ramona Nowitzki: "Weegwo"?
Kripke: Weegwo. You stupid, stupid-
[Kripke groans as he's zapped again. He tries to stay upright by leaning on the counter but is eventually overcome and drops to the floor.]
Bert: He has trouble with the letter "R."
Ramona Nowitzki: Oh! "Regrow." [chuckles] That makes more sense.

Bert: You know, in another universe, I worked in this building.
Ramona Nowitzki: Really? In what department?
Bert: Geology.
Ramona Nowitzki: Oh, that's not in this building anymore.
Bert: W... Why not?
Ramona Nowitzki: They needed to make room for the important sciences.
Bert: Uh, geology is an important science.
Ramona Nowitzki: And yet they moved it into the storage room behind the gym.
Bert: [raises voice] W- W- Why would you take a field of study that examines the [voice cracking] physical structure of the planet...
[As Bert is shocked for the first time, he groans, grabs hold of the counter and falls back. Ramona Nowitzki drinks her coffee as he writhes around in pain.]
Kripke: Nice twy, Dumbo.
[Kripke is shocked and falls to the ground. He and Bert are both lying face up on the floor, wiggling around in pain]

Christine Baranski: [on big screen] Hello! I'm theater, film, and television's Christine Baranski. I bet you're wondering what you're doing here. Simple answer, you have been non-compliant. [imitates electric buzzing] "Ouch!" [chuckles] Am I right? Well, maybe this is a good opportunity to remind ourselves, and by ourselves, I mean you, why this is the best of all possible worlds.
Bert: I loved the first Mamma Mia! The second one was kind of milking it.
Stuart: Shush.

Penny: What about you?
Kripke: Furious, and honestly, a... a wittle turned on. [Kripke grunts as Penny slaps him again] [laughs] Yes, ma'am!

Stuart: I don't understand. Why did you "rescue" us?
Denise: [holding the machine] Because I called them. Thirty months ago.
Penny: What do you want from me? I'm running a rebellion here.

Female Acolyte #1: Here's your Coke, sir.
Bert: Diet?
Female Acolyte #1: Oh, I'm sorry. It's regular.
Bert: Not a problem. [waves his hand] Now, it's Diet. [mob exclaims] You like that? Watch this. [waves hand] Dr. Pepper!
Female Mob Attendee: You can control the elements. Can you manifest life?
Bert: You mean like hocus pocus puppy? [a puppy appears] Look at you! [waves hand] House-broken. [mob exclaims]
Lisa: Does your magic work in the bedroom?
Bert: I don't need magic in the bedroom. I'm a good listener. [Lisa moans]