Bernadette Rostenkowski: [munching] So, what's up, buttercup?
Stuart: Well, this is gonna sound crazy, but we've got this machine that allows you to travel between alternate universes.
Kripke: And we just need a wittle abwacadabwa to jump-start the damn thing.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm all out of abracadabra.
Kripke: Word on the street is you're wike a worwd-wenowned sowcewess.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Used to be.
Stuart: What happened?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not that it's any of your business, but the Wizards Guild of America claimed I used my powers while we were on strike.
Kripke: What were you on strike for?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Better dental, residuals for eternal spells. It's ridiculous. We were out for six months, and basically, everyone got a handful of magic beans.

Stuart: So, did you use your powers during the strike?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: My neighbor's son had a dog. A little rescue. Adorable. Called him Chocolate Chip because he kind of looked like a cookie. [Stuart and Kripke chuckle softly] Anyway, he ran out into traffic and a car hit him.
Stuart: Hmm.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Then another car. [Stuart exhales] Then another one. Then another one.
Stuart: Got it. Cars.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: The kid's crying. I couldn't stand there and do nothing. So, I used my powers to bring Chocolate Chip back to life.
Kripke: I don't see how that's bweaking a stwike.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Exactly. Let me tell you something about Wizards Guild of America. Ninety percent of them don't even work, and yet they get to vote.
Kripke: [whispers] Ninety. Wow.

Stuart: Isn't there something that you can do?
Kripke: Can you fiwe an appeaw?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not really. I mean, there is a reversal spell that would give me my powers back, but the key ingredient is impossible to find.
Kripke: Wh... What are we talking about? Uh, saffwon? Twuffews?

Stuart: Check this out. In a universe of magic, what are the comic books? Dr. Strange Colorectal Surgeon. It's a great story. He does a bowel resection.
Kripke: Yeah, tewwific.

Stuart: Besides, we can't leave without Bert and Denise.
Kripke: [chuckles] Bert will be fine, and you can always get a new Denise in the next universe. They're a dime a dozen.
Stuart: No, I want this one. She's got a little problem with the sauce, but so did my mom. Maybe that's why I'm finding her so attractive.

Stuart: I know it sounds crazy... but Penny was like some kind of, uh, revolutionary guerrilla leader, uh, fighting against this AI government thing that put chips in everyone's neck.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And the chips, they were inserted with magic?
Stuart: N... No, no, that's... that's the next universe. That's a... that's a completely different ball of wax.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Right, sorry. "Different ball of wax."
Stuart: And I know you. I mean, uh, from my universe. But you weren't a psychiatrist, you were... were a neurobiologist.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, good for me. And this all happened before or after the apocalypse?
Stuart: Oh, before. After civilization collapsed, there wasn't a big demand for neurobiologists. Rat farmers, sure, you know? [chuckles] People gotta eat.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Uh-huh.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, uh, here's what we're gonna do. Let's keep your Shamoxil where it is, and I'm going to double your dosage on Trafederine, see if that doesn't help.
Stuart: You think I'm crazy?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh... That's not a word we like to use around here, but... [grimaces]
Stuart: Doesn't matter. I... gotta get out of this place.
Amy Farrah Fowler: To go to a different universe?
Stuart: Not just different, a good universe. You know, without giant moths, or evil demons.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Right, sure. Well, if you make progress, it's not out of the question that someday you can leave.
Stuart: Someday? What... what... what does "someday" mean?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It means a vague time in an unspecified future.
Stuart: That sounds like never to me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, "never" is not a word we use around here. It can be upsetting.

Sherpa: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Careful there, Chachi.
Stuart: [gasps] Who are you?
Sherpa: Who am I? I'm Mamie Eisenhower. I'm a Sherpa.
Stuart: A Sherpa?
Sherpa: Hmm.
Stuart: I thought Sherpa was an ethnic group.
Sherpa: Oh, it is. I converted. I met a girl online. We did the whole thing, you know, the classes, the ceremony. Then she goes back to her ex.
Stuart: I don't know what to say. Uh, I'm sorry?
Sherpa: Oh, no, I'm... I'm working through it. I'm in therapy. I'm thinking about ayahuasca.
Stuart: I... I think that's a good idea.
Sherpa: I don't know. We'll find out.

Amy Farrah Fowler: But how are we feeling about these other universes?
Stuart: I'm glad you asked. I've come to understand that I was batshit crazy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Not the word that I would use, but a word that I would think.

Denise: Okay, come on, everybody's dying to meet you.
Stuart: Oh, uh, help me out. Am I down-to-Earth famous, or more asshole famous?
Denise: Asshole.
Stuart: Great.

Stuart: Well, we're not in Pasadena.
Denise: Is it real?
Bert: Seems real. Sand, organic material, clay. Could be kaolinite or montmorillonite.
Kripke: What's that mean?
Bert: It's dirt.
Kripke: Why didn't you just say "dirt"?
Bert: I was showing off a little.

Stuart: Hey, is it weird that a primitive tribe with no contact with the outside world, no technology, speaks English?
Denise: Maybe we're speaking their language.
Stuart: Well, if that's the case, how can I say the word "helicopter"? They obviously don't have helicopters.
Denise: We say "unicorn," but we don't have unicorns.
Stuart: I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Denise: It's so beautiful here. Peaceful.
Stuart: Glad you like it, 'cause we ain't going anywhere.
Denise: You couldn't fix the machine?
Stuart: Me? Fix it? No. I come from a long line of people who call a guy.

Kripke: So, for example, I have cwaimed this bowl because I don't want your germs, which means this bowl is mine. My bowl.
Manu: All the bowls are the same. How do we know?
Kripke: Ah, good question. Wook here on the bottom. I have put my mark. Now, I know you're all charmingwy iwiterate but this is a wetter, the wetter "K," as in "keep your hands off Kwipke's bowl." [Alta raises her hand] Yeah?
Alta: Isn't it better if we all share everything?
Kripke: Maybe if you're a pinko communist... [chuckling] ...but I don't have to tell you how that worked out.
Alta: How did that work out?
Kripke: [hesitates] This is my bowl, don't touch my bowl.

Simpa: What are you doing?
Manu: Mine.
Simpa: What's that mean?
Manu: It means it belongs to me.
Simpa: But that's not our way. We- We share bowls. We... We share everything.
Manu: Maybe if you're a commie... or a sociawist.

Kripke: Now, by giving me these melons, you've established what is called cwedit, which you can weverage for future purchases.
Alta: Why not share the melons with everyone?
Kripke: Think it through. If you do that, how does anyone get wich?

Simpa: Tell me about monogamous.
Kripke: [groans] That's a wittle complicated. Um... Ah! Let's say you're fishing on a wake, and after a very wong time, you finally catch a small blue fish. You take it home, you cook it, you eat it. It's dewicious. So you decide you're only gonna eat that same stupid fish for the west of your wife, even if another fish gives you her phone number.
Simpa: What if you want to be with someone, but they're doing monogamous with someone else?
Kripke: Been there. Three choices. You can get over her, twicky without porn. You can convince her to cheat on the other guy, but for that, you weawy need a car with tinted windows. And finawy, you figure out a way to get wid of the other guy.
Simpa: Like send him on a journey?
Kripke: Yeah, or maybe he, uh, falls off a cwiff. Happens.

Stuart: What are you doing?
Denise: Oh, it's okay. I'm a certified minister of the Universal Life Church.
Stuart: Which doesn't exist in this universe and is bullshit in the one it does.

Stuart: Better question, are we finally in a normal universe?
Kripke: Eh, sure looks like it.
[Denise leans forward and takes a bite out of a green plant]
Denise: [chewing] Seems normal to me.

Kripke: What's happening?
Stuart: You gotta try this.
Kripke: You're kidding?
Stuart: Just try it.
Kripke: [eats] This is the best damn thing I've ever put in my mouth... [with rhotacism] ...and I've put some cwazy shit in my mouth.