Denise: Wait, you find messages in bear shit?
Droppings Reader: Oh, yes. When will the rains come? Will our women be fertile?
Stuart: Of course. Primitive cultures, signs in animal droppings. Mind if I jump in?
Denise: What are you doing?
Stuart: If we're gonna receive a message in this universe, maybe this is how.
Denise: In shit?
Stuart: I don't make the rules, Denise. Now, you wanna help me, or you wanna stand there looking disgusted?
Denise: Oh, disgusted, no question.

Stuart: You need to see this.
Denise: Oh, wow. "Use red quartz." But where are we gonna find that?
Stuart: No idea.
Denise: Maybe in rabbit shit?

Simpa: Chana?
Chana: Oh, hi, Simpa.
Bert: Not a good time, dude.
Simpa: You did not come to the hut for lovemaking last night.
Chana: Oh, yes. I am monogamous now.
Simpa: What is "monogamous"?
Chana: I only have lovemaking with Bert.
Bert: [chuckles] Yeah, she does.
Simpa: I do not like monogamous.
Bert: It's got its pros and cons, but can we talk about it later?
Simpa: I do not like it. At all.

Denise: Where are we gonna find red quartz?
Stuart: No idea. Luckily, we know a geologist.
Denise: Oh, right, Bert. You gonna tell him you pawed through bear shit to find a message?
Stuart: Nope.
Denise: Can I?
Stuart: Nope.

Stuart: Bert... [sighs] ...I need to ask you a geology question.
Bert: Is it how many times can a geologist have sex in a 24-hour period? 'Cause the answer's two.

Stuart: Hey, uh... can I have that necklace?
Gavel: No. Mine.
Stuart: What happened to share everything?
Gavel: Mine. We're not commies.
Stuart: Kripke.

Kripke: Why don't you just steaw it?
Stuart: You see the size of that guy?
Kripke: So what? These people don't hit. They don't fight. It's like you had a TV show called Land of the Pussies.
Denise: You're horrible.
Kripke: You know what I say to that, Denise? I say... [bubbling fart] Was that cwear enough, or should I wepeat myself?

Denise: What took you so long?
Stuart: I don't want to talk about it.
Gavel: [grabs necklace] Mine.
Stuart: Now what?
Denise: I don't know. Maybe your pile of shit has a plan B.

Simpa: Mine.
[Simpa picks up Chana and carries her away]
Bert: Huh? [yelps] No, wait. Come back! No! No!
Kripke: Forget it, Bert. It's Chana-Town. Get it?

Bert: I was happy there. It was paradise.
Denise: Yeah.
Stuart: So is Pasadena, during the week when Old Town isn't crowded.

Stuart: What are you doing?
Denise: What?
Stuart: You're eating my ficus.
Denise: Oh, look at that. It's really good.
Kripke: Setting aside the fact that "you're eating my ficus" sounds dirty, you're eating his ficus.

Stuart: That's ridiculous. How could we be descended from... [gags, belches] [chews] ...cows?
Kripke: All wight. This universe is stupid. Push that button and let's get- [gags, belches] [chews] Yum!

Denise: We have four stomachs and chew our cud.
Stuart: Cud. It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Bert: Last place was nice. I almost married a woman who thought I was beautiful. [burps]
Stuart: Yeah, and then there was a violent riot and we had to flee for our lives.
Bert: [burps] Every rose has thorns, Stuart. Hmm. I wonder what a rose would taste like.
Denise: Mm.

Stuart: Maybe we could even get married.
Denise: Are you... [gags, belches] [gulps] ...proposing?
Stuart: Depends. Are you... [gags, gulps] ...accepting?
Denise: I've always imagined this moment, but with less vomit in my mouth.
Stuart: Well, I didn't mean to put you on the spot.
Denise: Mm-hmm.
Stuart: Just think about it. [both gag, gulp]

Denise: You know, I was thinking about what you said at dinner.
Stuart: And?
Denise: I think we could be happy here. People are really nice. The food's great. I hear the health care's terrific.
Stuart: One more reason to call this home.
Denise: Mm. Mm. [spits out hay] Sorry.
[As Denise and Stuart cuddle up together, they both gag and gulp at the same time]

Bert: You know what you're doing?
Kripke: I am a world-wenowned physicist. I am perfectly capable of traversing interdimensional wealities.

Kripke: Bert, stop screaming!
Bert: But we're falling to our death!
Kripke: Do you see a bottom?
Bert: No.
Kripke: What's that tell you?
Bert: We're falling to our death eventually.
Kripke: Or not.
Bert: So, now what?
Kripke: I don't know. Let's think it through. [whooshing continues]
Bert: Anything?
Kripke: Nope.
Bert: So, back to screaming?
Kripke: Yeah, I guess so. [both screaming]

Stuart: I hope we made the right decision.
Denise: I think we did. It's a beautiful world.
Stuart: Yeah. [chuckles softly] Ooh, salt lick.
Denise: Mm, come to Mama.
Stuart: Two, please.
Denise: [moans] Oh, it's so good. [both moan] Am I tasting sea salt?
Carl: It's Himalayan.
Denise: [moans] Oh, yeah. There's the mountain.

Raj Koothrappali: I-- I've tried calling and warning everyone. JPL, NASA, the White House. You know what they said to me? They said I was crazy.
Stuart: Really? You screamed that the universe is coming to an end to the lady that answers the phone at the White House and she didn't take you seriously?
Raj Koothrappali: Entire star systems at the edge of the universe are disappearing. Which means...
Stuart: Sorry, all I got is schmutz.