Penny: Wha...? What? What is happening?
Bert: We're in a universe where everyone's a centaur. [Penny yelps as her back half knocks over a rack] I call it the centaur universe.

The Adversary: Their forward progress has been stopped. Your only task is to keep them here.
Kyle: Uh, question?
The Adversary: Yes, Kyle?
Kyle: Um, what if somebody wants to buy that comic book?
The Adversary: Don't sell it to them.
Trevor: What do we say?
The Adversary: You tell them it's not for sale.
Trevor: Good. That's good.
Kyle: We got your back.
Trevor: Or whatever you have.
Kyle: Your circumference.

Stuart: You know what? This is actually great. Whatever put us here made a huge mistake. Who knows more about comic books than Stuart David Bloom?
Bert: Frank Miller? Alan Moore?
Stuart: No one. My sad, miserable childhood has led me to this moment. Comic books are my superpower.

[The Adversary fires an energy beam at Trevor, incinerating him, leaving only the comic book and his charred Converse sneakers]
Kyle: Between you and me, I never liked him.
The Adversary: Mr. Freeze.
[A cartoon depiction of Mr. Freeze appears on the Stuart Fails to Save the Universe TRAPPED! comic]
The Adversary: You know what to do.
[The cartoon Mr. Freeze on the comic gives a thumbs up and walks off]
Kyle: So, you gonna stick around? I could order up some Chinese.

Denise: What are you looking for?
Stuart: Eh, it's a long shot, but something that shows where we are and how we get out.
Bert: Can you leave?
Kyle: I don't know.
Kripke: What do you mean, you don't know? How can you not know?
Kyle: Best guess, willful ignorance. [studio audience laughing]

Bert: Whoa, what was that?
Kripke: Thank you.
Kyle: What was what?
Kripke: There-- There's people waughing.
Bert: Yeah, but kind of fake laughing.

Stuart: Did you hear anything?
Denise: [mockingly] No, I didn't hear anything.
Stuart: Denise, come on. Are you gonna tell me what I did wrong?
Bert: I can. [off Denise's look] But I won't. [studio audience laughing] Again?
Kripke: I am reawwy freaking out.
Stuart: [echoing slam] [low ominous rumbling] Holy shit.
Denise: Now what?
Stuart: You don't see this? The whole store changed! It's gone all bright! That wall disappeared. [rumbling stops]
Denise: I see a wall.

Kripke: And Denise's birthday is the stupid B-story.
Stuart: Don't call my girlfriend stupid. [studio audience exclaiming]
Kripke: Huh?
Bert: Look at the wall that isn't there. [wind whooshing softly]
Denise: Where'd it go? How can there not be a wall?
Kripke: Better question, what's behind where it isn't?
Bert: Somebody should find out.
Stuart: What are you looking at me for? [studio audience laughing]
Kripke: Because for some incompwehensible weason, you are the star of this show. [studio audience laughing]

Denise: What is all this? Are we dead?
Bert: Or maybe we were never real.
Stuart: Of course we're real. Figments of the imagination don't have irritable bowel syndrome.
Kripke: You too?
Stuart: Yeah.
Kripke: Hey. [they fist bump] What do you do for it?
Stuart: You have to learn to manage stress, and it sounds counterintuitive, but you actually want a little less fiber.
Kripke: Intewesting. I'll try that.
Denise: Oh, my God. Will you two stop? We just walked past actors who play us. That has to be more pressing than the quality of your BMs.
Stuart: You're right. I mean, I don't wish what happens to me in the bathroom on my worst enemy, but you're-- you're right.

Bert: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Bert.
Bert: Got anything new?
Stuart: Funny every time.

Bert: I think I'm ready to pull the trigger on Batman 608.
Stuart: Excellent choice. What's the trade?
Bert: What would you say to a can of Lima beans?
Stuart: Oh, geez, Bert, come on! This is near mint. I could probably get a couple Dinty Moore Beef Stews for this.
Bert: Plus... cream corn.
Stuart: Meh.
Bert: Okay. I was saving it for my birthday, but I guess I'll throw it in. Fancy Feast.
Stuart: What flavor?
Bert: Salmon.
Stuart: Sold.

Trevor: Um, are you crazy? [scoffs] Hawkeye doesn't deserve to be an Avenger. Yeah...
Kyle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You do not want to go there.
Trevor: You got a guy with a bow and arrow, and he's supposed to be on the same team as a guy with an arc reactor iron suit and the literal God of Thunder? [laughs] What sense does that even make?
Kyle: I don't know, I mean... [grunts] does this make sense?
[Kyle pulls out an arrow from his quiver and repeatedly stabs Trevor in the neck. Trevor screams and falls to the floor.]
Stuart: I just mopped! We talked about this, Kyle! That's strike three!
Kyle: I'm sorry, okay? Uh, but you heard him. [Stuart points to the door] Sorry. He started it.

Bert: Do you have an identical twin brother?
Stuart: No.
Bert: Okay, I have two questions.
Stuart: Just two?
Traveler: I've only got a few seconds to explain this, so you gotta focus.
Stuart: Who are you?
Bert: First question.
Traveler: I'm you from another stream of reality.
Bert: Well, that answers that. Second question...
Traveler: Listen to me. This apocalyptic nightmare that you are living in, it can be avoided, it never has to happen.
Bert: Okay, now I have, like, six questions.

Traveler: Please, I don't have a lot of time. Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz. Remember them?
Stuart: Yeah, real nerds.
Bert: Pot-kettle.
Traveler: Sure.
Stuart: Fair enough.

Traveler: The point is, it altered reality. None of this is supposed to be.
Stuart: And by none of this, you mean...?
Traveler: None of it! The violence, the devastation, the dimensional rifts!
Bert: Dimensional rifts!
Stuart: Now we know.
Traveler: None of this is normal. [a giant moth hits the window of the comic book store] Certainly not that!
Bert: The big moth?
Traveler: [scoffs] Yes! Yes! The big moth!
Stuart: If you turn the lights off, they don't bother you.

Bert: [to a rabid dog that just attacked a person] Nice catch, Steve!
Stuart: How is it out there?
Bert: It's a little nippy. Wear layers.

Penn: Juggling two... [yelps] Juggling two starving feral creatures, as, uh, you can see, is not difficult, but... [rats squeal; Penn groans] Juggling three is... [grunts] profoundly stupid. Ow!
Bert: I saw them in Vegas. Such a fun night.
Stuart: Oh. You know who I loved in Vegas and I didn't think I would?
Bert: Huh?
Stuart: Celine Dion.
Bert: Mm.

Stuart: Denise, what are you doing?
Denise: Trying to keep you alive.
Gary: I don't care about your life. I'm just hoping to get laid tonight.
Denise: Gary.
Gary: Oh, uh...
Bert: Very kind. Thank you.

Raj Koothrappali: Can you keep it down?
Stuart: Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe. Possibly. Who wants to know?
Stuart: Raj, it's me, Stuart, from the comic book store.
Raj Koothrappali: Stuart?
Stuart: Yes, and... and Bert Kibbler. You know Bert?
Raj Koothrappali: Bert?
Stuart: And Denise. Remember Denise?
Raj Koothrappali: [chuckles deliriously] This isn't real. [stammers] This is... this is a hallucination!
Stuart: No. No, no, no. We're here. It's real.
Bert: That's kind of what a hallucination would say. [Stuart looks at Bert to suggest "Why would you say that?"]

Raj Koothrappali: Anyway, I... I... I've had time to... to... to figure it all out, and there's definitely something wrong with this reality. See? I... I prove it here and here, and the numbers, they don't lie.
Denise: So, you were telling the truth?
Stuart: You didn't believe me?
Denise: That an alternate version of you told you how to save the universe? No, not for a minute. [scoffs]