Denise: [thinking] ...damn spot. Lady Macbeth. Lady and the Tramp. Ladies and gentlemen, I am trying not to fart.

Kripke: [thinking] Wike, I know I'm not my thoughts, and I know my basic nature is wove, and I wove the winen pants with the dwawstwing...

Bert: [thinking] I had chili on a hot dog, and I thought, "This is crazy." But it's not crazy 'cause it's good.

Stuart: [thinking] I haven't had a good bowel movement since the cow world. All this universe hopping can't be good for my digestion. It's basically travel, and that's always rough...

Stuart: I don't mean literally Magneto's helmet, but some kind of telepathy blocker.
Denise: Why don't we meditate? You know, "Quiet the monkey mind."
Stuart: Worth a try.
Denise: Okay. Great.
Bert: I'm game.
Kripke: Why not? [they all sit on the floor]
Denise: Everybody close your eyes and follow your breath. In... Out. [thinking] This is dumb. I can't do this.

Denise: Obviously, we need to find a way to shield our thoughts.
Stuart: Like Magneto's helmet.
Kripke: [thinking] Oh my God, more of your comic book shit. Somebody kill me.
Stuart: [thinking] Oh, I'd love to.
Denise: [thinking] I wish I could.
Bert: [thinking] I'll hold him down.
Kripke: [out loud] Wow. Very nice. Shame on you.

Kripke: How wong are we gonna keep doing this? There is no trickewy in a world with tewepathy.
Denise: There's gotta be a way.
Kripke: Bert, think of a card.
Bert: [thinking] Three of Clubs.
Kripke: Thwee of Cwubs.
Bert: [out loud] Let me try again. [thinking] Jack of Hearts?
Stuart: Bert, stop.

Bert: So what's the plan?
Stuart: It's simple. We break into the engineering department and steal the components. [thinking] Simple, my ass. We can't break in. And even if we could, we don't know what we're looking for. And even if we knew, we don't know how to put it together. And let's say we put it together, we don't know how to operate it. And even if we figure out how to get in, what we're looking for, how to put it together, and how to operate it, we don't know where we're going! [out loud] Any questions?
Kripke: No, I think we're good.

Kripke: Where you guys been? We need to figure out a way into Caltech.
Stuart: Sorry, we were having sex.
Denise: Stuart.
Stuart: I was going to think it anyway.
Kripke: [thinking] I don't need to hear any more.
Stuart: [thinking] It was incredible. I knew everything she wanted.
Denise: [thinking] It was great. No questions, no apologies.
Stuart: [still thinking] You wouldn't believe what I finally found.
Denise: [still thinking] Yeah, you did. [they high five]

Bert: You know, in a telepathic world, you can talk with your mouth full.
Kripke: Tewwific.
Bert: Check it out. [munching] [thinking] In a telepathic world, you can talk with your mouth full.
Kripke: [thinking] Yeah, I get it.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Here I am, teaching pampered little maggots how to tap, which is pointless, since the only dancing they're ever gonna do is on the pole.
Girl #1: [thinking] Oh, no.
Girl #2: [thinking] What?
Girl #3: [thinking] Mommy.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Ah, shut your brain holes.
Stuart: We're sorry to have wasted your time.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [thinking] Wouldn't be a waste of time if you killed me. [out loud] Have a great day. All right, future eating disorders, let's get back to work.

Bert: [thinking] What happened to you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'll tell you what happened, Sasquatch. I had an alcoholic mother try to live out her dreams by dressing me up, shoving me in beauty pageants, feeding me diet pills to keep me skinny, all so I could become Miss California Quiznos 1999.
Denise: [thinking] Aw.
Stuart: [thinking] Sad.
Bert: [still thinking] Quiznos. Yum.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Does he sell coke on the side?
Stuart: [sighs] No.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Then I don't know him.

Denise: Does Mr. Asshole possibly also go by Howard Wolowitz?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Who?
Kripke: He's an engineer, wooks wike a garden gnome with a Beatles haircut.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: All right, take five, drink some juice, drink some vodka. I don't care. [to the group] Can I help you?
Stuart: You don't know us?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Were we in rehab together? 'Cause a lot of that's a blur.
Bert: You're Bernadette Rostenkowski?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's my maiden name. My married name is Bernadette Asshole.

Stuart: I guess she's not a microbiologist in this universe.
Kripke: [thinking] Your observation skills are bweathtaking.
Denise: Barry, really?
Kripke: [out loud] I think 'em wike I see 'em.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: What is wrong with you girls? Come on, pick up your feet. You're like a bunch of baby hippos.
Rebecca: [thinking] Die, bitch, die.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You think about your mother with that mind?

Kripke: [thinking] Hey.
Woman: Hi.
Kripke: [still thinking] How'd you wike to be, uh, disappointed?

Bert: Nope. No Howard Wolowitz anywhere.
Stuart: [thinking] Well, we're screwed. [out loud] Well, we're screwed.
Denise: [thinking] Honey, we heard you. [out loud] Honey, we heard you.

Kripke: [thinking] Man. I'd wike to take her home, wip her cwothes off and finish prematurely, then cwy wike a baby when she gets in a cab and weaves.
Denise: Ew.