Denise: So, what were you in the before times?
Soldier #2: No talking.
Denise: Come on, I'm gonna die anyway.
Soldier #2: I had a podcast. Vitamins, gut health.
Denise: Nice.
Soldier #2: I had Gwyneth Paltrow on.
Denise: Oh, my God, I think I heard that. No, how a good gut biome prevents dementia.
Soldier #2: Yes!

Soldier #1: Sorry, fellas. Time to die.
Bert: Agreed. Catch.
Soldier #1: What the...?
[After an explosion, the guys are covered in the soldier's blood]
Stuart: I love you!
Bert: I love you too.
Raj Koothrappali: Let's go!

Bert: We're not gonna throw rocks. We're gonna make bombs out of them.
Stuart: What?
Bert: Behold. Potassium. And some water. Everybody needs to step back a little, please.
[Bert chuckles after he drops the piece of potassium into a bucket of water, causing an explosion and a fountain of water and gas to shoot out of the bucket]
Bert: Cool, huh?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, if the guards are taking a bath.
Bert: No. We're gonna make grenades.
Raj Koothrappali: How come I never thought of that?
Bert: Don't be hard on yourself. Most people underestimate the mighty force that is geology.

Bert: Excuse me, I have an idea.
Stuart: Go ahead.
Bert: Like I said, this used to be my Geology classroom. It's filled with all kinds of rock samples.
Raj Koothrappali: So, we're gonna throw rocks at men with guns? 'Cause if you don't know, rock beats scissors, not gun.

Stuart: Denise. Where's Denise?
Bert: They took her.
Stuart: No, no! No, no, no, no! [stammers] I have to do something!
Raj Koothrappali: Or...
Stuart: Or what?
Raj Koothrappali: You move on, you meet someone new, and they get eaten by a moth on your honeymoon.

Bert: Stuart, please come back.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, move towards the light!
Stuart: No.

Denise: But this world is a living nightmare. Don't you wanna put things right?
Kripke: Were you not wistening? I... I got all the girls. [chuckles] By the way, uh... uh, are you...you seeing anyone or...?
Stuart: She's with me.
Denise: No, I'm not.
Stuart: [in singsong] I... I'm trying to protect you.
Bert: Hmm.
Kripke: Take the wench, wash her, bring her to my woom.
Denise: [scoffs] I'd rather die!
Kripke: I understand. Wash her and kill her.

Stuart: With all due respect, my liege, how is it that you're the... the grand...
Kripke: Cawiph.
Stuart: Caliph of South Pasadena?
Kripke: [sighs] I suppose we have time for a wittle backstory. Uh, I apologize. You guys have heard this before. Uh, when everything went screwy and civilization as we know it cowapsed, a vacuum of weadership was created here at the university, and as we all know...
Bert: [hesitates] Nature abhors a vacuum?
Kripke: Wight-o. So, I seized power, got all the food, the guns, and the girls. Yeah, end of backstory.

Bert: This is The Evil One? [chuckles] Barry Kripke?
Raj Koothrappali: He's sorry. Please. He doesn't know. Show him mercy.
Kripke: Mercy? I am nothing if not merciful. Twoubadours sing of my mercy!
Stuart: You mind if we stand up?
Soldier #1: No one stands before Ward Kripke.
Kripke: Okay, wast time, it's "Word," not "Ward." Uh, go ahead, stand, doesn't matter.

Soldier #1: All kneel... for the Grand Caliph of South Pasadena, Flintridge, and Monrovia! The Supreme Ruler of the San Gabriel Valley!
Denise: I'm not kneeling for anybody!
[The guard fires a warning shot in the air. Denise gasps and they all kneel down.]
Denise: Okay, yeah. Mm-hmm.
Kripke: Hello, pwisoners.
Stuart: Kripke?
Soldier #1: Ward Kripke.
Kripke: Not Ward. "Word."
Soldier #1: What... What'd I say?
Kripke: You said "Ward," and...

Stuart: If we got to the device, you could really reset the universe?
Raj Koothrappali: Bing, bang, boom! But it's hopeless! That device, it's surrounded by armed guards, 24/7!
Stuart: No, it's not hopeless. The alternate me said that I'm the chosen one who'll set things right.
Bert: He didn't say "chosen."
Stuart: Well, he implied "chosen."
Bert: Boy, I did not get that at all.

Raj Koothrappali: Pay attention! Leonard, Sheldon, and Howard. They built a vari-state quantum interference device.
Bert: That would have been my guess.
Raj Koothrappali: It malfunctioned, and it changed everything, right? The universe, uh, history... [whispers] ...reality.
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, great. How... How do we fix it?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, that's a toughie. Why you ask? [pants] Wait, did you ask? I assume you ask. It's a toughie because we're all prisoners of the Evil One. And the Evil One likes everything to stay just... [whispers] ...as it is.
Denise: Who's the Evil One?
Raj Koothrappali: [groans] I can't say his name! If I say his name, bad things happen.
Stuart: [sighs] Sorry, is it Voldemort?
Raj Koothrappali: I wish it was Voldemort. That's a guy you can reason with.

Raj Koothrappali: Anyway, I... I... I've had time to... to... to figure it all out, and there's definitely something wrong with this reality. See? I... I prove it here and here, and the numbers, they don't lie.
Denise: So, you were telling the truth?
Stuart: You didn't believe me?
Denise: That an alternate version of you told you how to save the universe? No, not for a minute. [scoffs]

Stuart: What are you doing here?
Raj Koothrappali: Isn't it obvious? I'm in a locked room. I haven't changed my underwear in years, and I crap in a bucket!
Bert: So, you're like a prisoner?
Raj Koothrappali: I rode an elephant to my wedding and now I crap in a bucket!
Bert: Congratulations. Uh, on the wedding thing.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, a moth ate her.

Raj Koothrappali: Can you keep it down?
Stuart: Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe. Possibly. Who wants to know?
Stuart: Raj, it's me, Stuart, from the comic book store.
Raj Koothrappali: Stuart?
Stuart: Yes, and... and Bert Kibbler. You know Bert?
Raj Koothrappali: Bert?
Stuart: And Denise. Remember Denise?
Raj Koothrappali: [chuckles deliriously] This isn't real. [stammers] This is... this is a hallucination!
Stuart: No. No, no, no. We're here. It's real.
Bert: That's kind of what a hallucination would say. [Stuart looks at Bert to suggest "Why would you say that?"]

Bert: Oh, wow!
Stuart: What?
Bert: This used to be my Geology classroom. I opened so many young minds here.

Denise: Oh, my gosh, Gary.
Stuart: It's terrible. Just terrible. But you know what? You... you're gonna find somebody else. Maybe sooner than you think.
[Bert give Stuart a thumbs up]

[Bert, Stuart and Denise hold their hands up as they're surrounded by armed guards]
Bert: Tell them about the alternate version of you.
Stuart: Shush!

Stuart: Uh... [stammers] Hang on. So... so, roll, run, grab?
Gary: Run, roll, grab.
Stuart: Sorry, more of a visual learner.

Gary: All right, here's how we do this. I'll create a distraction at the main gate. The three of you cut around to the side, where the trucks are going in.
Stuart: Yeah, then what?
Gary: When the trucks stop, you roll under them, grab the undercarriage, and ride on in.
Bert: You, sir, have done this before.
Gary: Well, back in the day, I was Army Special Forces.
Bert: Cool. I was a geologist.
Gary: We ready?