Raj Koothrappali: Anyway, I... I... I've had time to... to... to figure it all out, and there's definitely something wrong with this reality. See? I... I prove it here and here, and the numbers, they don't lie.
Denise: So, you were telling the truth?
Stuart: You didn't believe me?
Denise: That an alternate version of you told you how to save the universe? No, not for a minute. [scoffs]

Raj Koothrappali: Pay attention! Leonard, Sheldon, and Howard. They built a vari-state quantum interference device.
Bert: That would have been my guess.
Raj Koothrappali: It malfunctioned, and it changed everything, right? The universe, uh, history... [whispers] ...reality.
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, great. How... How do we fix it?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, that's a toughie. Why you ask? [pants] Wait, did you ask? I assume you ask. It's a toughie because we're all prisoners of the Evil One. And the Evil One likes everything to stay just... [whispers] ...as it is.
Denise: Who's the Evil One?
Raj Koothrappali: [groans] I can't say his name! If I say his name, bad things happen.
Stuart: [sighs] Sorry, is it Voldemort?
Raj Koothrappali: I wish it was Voldemort. That's a guy you can reason with.

Stuart: If we got to the device, you could really reset the universe?
Raj Koothrappali: Bing, bang, boom! But it's hopeless! That device, it's surrounded by armed guards, 24/7!
Stuart: No, it's not hopeless. The alternate me said that I'm the chosen one who'll set things right.
Bert: He didn't say "chosen."
Stuart: Well, he implied "chosen."
Bert: Boy, I did not get that at all.

Bert: We're not gonna throw rocks. We're gonna make bombs out of them.
Stuart: What?
Bert: Behold. Potassium. And some water. Everybody needs to step back a little, please.
[Bert chuckles after he drops the piece of potassium into a bucket of water, causing an explosion and a fountain of water and gas to shoot out of the bucket]
Bert: Cool, huh?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, if the guards are taking a bath.
Bert: No. We're gonna make grenades.
Raj Koothrappali: How come I never thought of that?
Bert: Don't be hard on yourself. Most people underestimate the mighty force that is geology.

Stuart: Bert, stop. No zombies, no moths. No apocalypse. It worked.
Bert: Look how beautiful.
Kripke: Wats, my weign has ended.
Bert: Hey, your bruises are gone.
Kripke: Oh, yeah. You wook good. I mean... for you.

Bert: Unbelievable. No more mutants. No more giant moths. Such a better world.
Kripke: For you, maybe. [with rhotacism] I lost my hawem.
Bert: Mm, you know those weren't healthy relationships.
Kripke: It was all consensual. Sex for food.

Stuart: I looked everywhere. No Denise.
Kripke: Eh, she must have been too far away from the interdimensional bubble cweated by the Weonard/Sheldon device.
Stuart: What the hell does that mean?
Kripke: Well, I don't know. I'm just wiffing.

Trevor: Uh, how much do you want for "Superman and Lex Luthor: Best Buddies Number 30"?
Stuart: "Best Buddies"? Let me see that. What the hell?
Bert: Stuart, look at this. This whole wall is Archie comics.
Stuart: What? I don't carry Archie.
Bert: You do now.
Kripke: "Wichie Wich: Effective Altruist Number 12".
Stuart: Richie Rich what?

Kripke: You must have screwed up the machine, Stuart.
Stuart: I screwed up? You killed the one guy that knew how to use the damn thing.
Kyle: [scoffs] Uh, fellas, we're all friends.
Trevor: Yeah, no arguing.
Kripke: Stay out of it. You're the one who pushed the stupid button.
Stuart: What was I supposed to do? You're the one who-
[Stuart and Kripke tense up as the devices in the back of their necks turn red. They drop to the floor and writhe around in agony]

Stuart: What's that?
Bert: Best guess? A giant floating obelisk with no apparent means of propulsion?
Kripke: [with rhotacism] You are weawy getting on my nerve.
[The light on the obelisk turns red, as does the light on the device in Kripke's neck]
Kripke: Stop talking.
[Kripke groans as he once again tenses up and drops to the floor, writhing in agony]
Stuart: Another piece of the puzzle?
Bert: Maybe. [Kripke yelps]

Bert: I think what we're looking at is your classic totalitarian dystopia with a dollop of mind control surveillance.
Kripke: A dollop?
Bert: It means a small serving.
Kripke: Yeah, I know what it means-
[Kripke is zapped again]
Kripke: [cheerfully] I know what it means!

Kripke: Seriously, what did we do?
Officer McCaffrey: Well, when people keep getting upset, it becomes a police matter.
Officer Denison: Don't you worry. Everything's going to be explained at the re-education center.
Bert: [groans] I don't like the sound of that.
Officer McCaffrey: Well, I hope you like the sound of complimentary bottles of water.
Officer Denison: Hmm.
Officer McCaffrey: And granola bars, 'cause they're waiting for you in the back of the car.
Kripke: [sighs] Wook, a fwoating obewisk.
[Barry points up into the sky behind them. As the two officers look up, Barry starts to run away.]
Officer Denison: Oh, dear.
[Officer Denison presses the button on a device he's holding. Kripke is shocked and starts shaking about before crashing down on the grass in front of the Caltech sign.]

Bert: I'm glad we didn't escape.
Stuart: Oh, me too.
Kripke: It was an honor being wehabilitated with you fewas.

Bert: I've got a sweet tooth. Who's up for some fro-yo?
Stuart: Oh, love it. My treat!
Kripke: Aw.
Bert: Thanks, buddy.
[As Kripke, Stuart and Bert reach the curb, a dark van pulls up and a group of men emerge]
Kripke: Huh? What's happening?
Stuart: I think we're being abducted.
Bert: Well, so much for yogurt.

Stuart: Zack?
Zack Johnson: You know me?
Stuart: Of course. [stammers] I... I mean, not from this universe. Uh, I mean, it... it... it... it... N... Never mind.
Zack Johnson: Well, regardless, consider yourself rescued.
Bert: Rescued? They let us out.
Kripke: After wocking us up for two and a half years?
Zack Johnson: Really?
Kripke: Yes. Weawy.
Zack Johnson: Wow. That's embarrassing. [chuckles]
Stuart: Who are you guys?
Zack Johnson: Oh, sorry. Uh, yes, we are the Resistance, and this is our headquarters. Used to be an Amazon shipping center. We took over the lease.
Stuart: Oh, yeah.
Zack Johnson: It was a long process.

Stuart: Denise, you came back for me.
Denise: Not really. I found your machine. Show us how it can get rid of the AI.
Stuart: Oh, uh... [Zack frees the guys] Yeah, I probably wasn't clear about that. It won't solve your AI problems.
Kripke: Yeah, it'll just get us out of your happy-go-fascist universe.
Bert: Besides, we don't really know how to use it.
Kripke: We have some theowies.

Penny: So, wait, none of you know how to defeat the AI overlord?
Stuart: [hesitantly] I don't. Bert?
Bert: Nope.
Stuart: Kripke?
Kripke: Not weawy.
Penny: [sighs] Kill them!

Kripke: Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh... Hold on. I- I have an idea.
Penny: Fine, go ahead.
Kripke: Now, it's a wong shot, but it... it's worth a twy. [sniffs, sighs] Hmm. Okay. [sighs] Hmm. Mm. Okay.
Penny: [exhales] What is your idea?
Bert: Ah, if everyone would pwease wook over there.
[As everyone looks the other way, Kripke grabs the machine and runs off in the opposite direction]
Bert: He keeps doing that.

Stuart: Give me your hand.
Denise: Why?
Stuart: I don't wanna have to find you again. [Bert gives Stuart a thumbs up]

Kripke: Well, my dear, have you changed your mind?
Denise: Is the choice still sex with you or death?
Kripke: Wook, I'm not a monster. I'm just proposing we, uh, have a nice dinner, watch a movie, see what unfolds.
Denise: Kill me.
Kripke: [sighs] Give us a minute. [the soldier leaves] Wook. [sighs] Being the ruler of a post-apocalyptic fiefdom can be... [inhales] ...very wonely.
Denise: What about your harem?
Kripke: Those girls don't really care about me. They're just here for the food, medicine, free childcare.