Captain Richard Williams: Now listen, I get that you're all shitting the proverbial brick right now. Totally understandable. But as your commanding officer, it is incumbent upon me to raise your spirits, to give you hope. So, I want you to think about this. Many years from now, overweight men will dress up in uniforms just like you're wearing. And others will dress up like the enemy. And they will reenact the battle you are about to fight. But afterwards, they'll go out for beer and wings and talk about how you died a noble death. A noble death. Kind of tickles the balls, don't it? [chuckles] All right, any questions? [Bert raises his hand] Yes, soldier.
Bert: What exactly are we fighting for?
Captain Richard Williams: Family, country, God.
Bert: What is the enemy fighting for?
Captain Richard Williams: The wrong family, the wrong country, and the wrong god. Oh, and one last thing. We're running low on morphine, so, uh, try not to get wounded. Okay, let's go kill those bastards.

Stuart: How's it looking?
Captain Siebert: I had a chance to talk to the judges, and I've examined the evidence against you.
Denise: And?
Captain Siebert: And this shouldn't take too long.
Stuart: Because we're innocent?
Captain Siebert: Sure.

Captain Siebert: Oh shit.
Denise: Oh shit? Why, "Oh shit"?
Captain Siebert: Oh shit. Her.
Bert: Look who it is. It's Penny.
Captain Siebert: You know Firing Squad Penny?
Denise: We just know her as regular Penny.

General Adams: So entered. Major, would you like to make an opening statement?
Penny: Thank you, sir. [clears throat] In front of you sit four of the most foul, pathetic, loathsome creatures to ever wear the uniform.
Bert: Ouch.
Penny: We've all been witness to their cowardice, but even more heinous was the discovery of this device, clearly a means to relay information to our enemy.

Stuart: Say something. Defend us!
Captain Siebert: Your Honors, I'd like to speak on my client's behalf.
General Adams: Go ahead.
Captain Siebert: Thank you. [Penny is twirling her hair] Do we really know what happened in the fog of war?
Penny: We have video.
Captain Siebert: Let me start again. Though clearly guilty, wouldn't we, as a nation of God-fearing men and women... ...best display our values by showing mercy to these miserable, undeserving wretches?
General Adams: No.
Captain Siebert: [to Stuart] Have you got anything?

Stuart: Your Honors, if you'll indulge me, I think I can clear this up.
General Adams: Make it quick.
Stuart: We're not from your universe. These two gentlemen and I are from a version of reality that's even worse than this one. [Penny sighs and places down her folder] There's, uh, mutants and giant moths. You don't even wanna know. And this lovely young woman is from a universe where humanity is controlled by a globe-straddling artificial intelligence.
Denise: Not helping.
Stuart: So, what you're calling desertion, cowardice in the face of the enemy, is actually us trying to bravely restore order across all universes. [the judges are silent] [Penny shakes her head] Yeah, just shoot us. [sits down]
Kripke: Hey, that was gweat. Weawy gweat.

Kripke: Oh, shit.
Denise: How long do we have to stay here?
Bert: Just until we follow ourselves so that they, which is we, run to the centaur world where they become us.
Kripke: I don't understand.
Stuart: No one understands!

Traveler: You can put everything right. You can make it the way it was. You just have to find the...
Stuart: Hang on. Hang on! If you're me from another reality, how can you be in this one?
Traveler: I don't know. I'm not a quantum physicist. I went to the Rhode Island School of Design.
Bert: I didn't know that.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, I have a BFA.
Bert: Really? How come you never did anything with it?
Stuart: What am I gonna do, teach high school kids how to draw fruit?

Stuart: With all due respect, my liege, how is it that you're the... the grand...
Kripke: Cawiph.
Stuart: Caliph of South Pasadena?
Kripke: [sighs] I suppose we have time for a wittle backstory. Uh, I apologize. You guys have heard this before. Uh, when everything went screwy and civilization as we know it cowapsed, a vacuum of weadership was created here at the university, and as we all know...
Bert: [hesitates] Nature abhors a vacuum?
Kripke: Wight-o. So, I seized power, got all the food, the guns, and the girls. Yeah, end of backstory.

Stuart: Denise. Where's Denise?
Bert: They took her.
Stuart: No, no! No, no, no, no! [stammers] I have to do something!
Raj Koothrappali: Or...
Stuart: Or what?
Raj Koothrappali: You move on, you meet someone new, and they get eaten by a moth on your honeymoon.

Bert: Excuse me, I have an idea.
Stuart: Go ahead.
Bert: Like I said, this used to be my Geology classroom. It's filled with all kinds of rock samples.
Raj Koothrappali: So, we're gonna throw rocks at men with guns? 'Cause if you don't know, rock beats scissors, not gun.

Trevor: There's an asshole on my head? [Kyle chuckles] Oh! Oh, great!
Stuart: Well, the good news is those joy buzzers are gone.
Denise: Oh, yeah. They are.
Trevor: [groans] Oh, my God. I have hemorrhoids. [Kyle chuckles]

Abramowitz the Grey: [over TV] Have you or a loved one been injured by a defective spell or faulty incantation? Call me, Abramowitz the Grey. Over 700 years' experience in magical litigation. [banging on door]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Now what? [answers door] Oh. Hey, Stuart. Kripke.
Stuart: You know us?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Of course, I know you. What do you want?
Stuart: Can we come in?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm kind of busy, but okay. Excuse the mess. I gave up giving a shit.

Stuart: That was more than a cup.
Kripke: We're gonna need some backup in case your bwood doesn't do the twick.
Stuart: You're right. Hey, Alexa. Huh. Hey, Alexa.
Alexa: I was taking a dump. What do you want?
Stuart: Where would we find Sheldon Cooper?
Alexa: Searching. Sheldon Cooper is currently starring in a revival of Man of La Mancha on Broadway.
Stuart: Damn it. We'll never get him to help us.
Kripke: I saw that with, uh, John Withgow.
Stuart: Oh, he's always good.

Kripke: [with rhotacism] Welcome back, neighbow.
Stuart: Kripke?
Kripke: Guilty as charged.
Stuart: We're neighbors?
Kripke: I wike to think we're a wittwe more than neighbows. I held your son at his bwis. [snaps garden shears]
Stuart: We're Jewish?

Kyle: You're not listening to me, okay? The centrifugal force of Thor's hammer is what allows him to fly.
Trevor: But Thor is throwing it. That violates Newton's first law.
Kyle: Uh, hey. Hey, hey. Settle an argument for us. Laws of physics don't apply to Norse gods, right?
Stuart: Of course not. Thor, along with the other inhabitants of Asgard, exist outside the paradigm of the physical universe. [gasps] How do I know that?

Stuart Prime: [v.o.] "It was like any other Tuesday at Caltech. Smart people doing smart stuff. Leonard, Sheldon, and Howard constructed a Vari-state Quantum Entanglement Device. Stuart Bloom stopped by to share the news of a clean colonoscopy. In his excitement, he knocked the device off the table."
Denise: [knocks on door] [o.s.] Honey, everything all right?
Stuart: Uh, yeah, give me a minute.
Stuart Prime: "From that point on, Stuart was entangled with the fate of the universe."
Stuart: Oh, Jesus.
Denise: You need the MiraLAX?
Stuart: Uh, no, no. I'm okay.
Denise: Don't strain. Remember, that's how Elvis died.
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

Stuart Prime: [v.o.] "Messages were sent to help him, but the big dope didn't notice."
Stuart: I'm a big dope? You're a big dope.
Denise: If you need it, there's a Fleet enema under the sink.
Stuart: Great, thanks.
Stuart Prime: "So you've gotta fix it. We're going to send you more instructions, but first, you have to escape from this prison."
Stuart: "Prison"?
Bert: [echoes] "None of this is real!" [Denise knocks again]
Stuart: Coming!

Chana: Would you like to come back to our village?
Simpa: We have food and places to rest.
Chana: Water to bathe in, companions to sleep with.
Kripke: Hang on. Question. [with rhotacism] When you say "sweep with," do you mean sex?
Chana: Of course.
Kripke: Daddy's home.

Bert: Uh, what do you want in return?
Chana: Just the pleasure of knowing we met your needs.
Kripke: Follow-up question. What if some of the needs are a wittle unusual?
Stuart: [whispers] Shush! We'd be honored to accept your hospitality.
Simpa: Our village isn't far. Walk with us.
Kripke: So far, this is my favorite universe.