Sergeant: Charlie Company, fall in! All right, listen up! Lieutenant has a few words to say.
Gary: Thank you, Sergeant. Charlie Company, there's no easy way to say this. Alpha Company didn't make it back. Bravo Company didn't make it back. And if you're familiar with the alphabet, you're up.
Kripke: Ah, shit.
Gary: We're outgunned. We're outmanned. And we're facing a lethal and merciless enemy. All right. We're gonna say a little prayer. Everybody take a knee. Atheists, sit, stand. Your choice. [all kneel] Lord, we're probably coming home to you today. [Sergeant nods] 'Cause near as I can figure, we're marching straight into a monumental ass-reaming. So, polish up the pearly gates. We'll be seeing you soon.
Bert: Amen.

Captain Richard Williams: Now listen, I get that you're all shitting the proverbial brick right now. Totally understandable. But as your commanding officer, it is incumbent upon me to raise your spirits, to give you hope. So, I want you to think about this. Many years from now, overweight men will dress up in uniforms just like you're wearing. And others will dress up like the enemy. And they will reenact the battle you are about to fight. But afterwards, they'll go out for beer and wings and talk about how you died a noble death. A noble death. Kind of tickles the balls, don't it? [chuckles] All right, any questions? [Bert raises his hand] Yes, soldier.
Bert: What exactly are we fighting for?
Captain Richard Williams: Family, country, God.
Bert: What is the enemy fighting for?
Captain Richard Williams: The wrong family, the wrong country, and the wrong god. Oh, and one last thing. We're running low on morphine, so, uh, try not to get wounded. Okay, let's go kill those bastards.

Stuart: How's it looking?
Captain Siebert: I had a chance to talk to the judges, and I've examined the evidence against you.
Denise: And?
Captain Siebert: And this shouldn't take too long.
Stuart: Because we're innocent?
Captain Siebert: Sure.

Captain Siebert: Oh shit.
Denise: Oh shit? Why, "Oh shit"?
Captain Siebert: Oh shit. Her.
Bert: Look who it is. It's Penny.
Captain Siebert: You know Firing Squad Penny?
Denise: We just know her as regular Penny.

General Adams: So entered. Major, would you like to make an opening statement?
Penny: Thank you, sir. [clears throat] In front of you sit four of the most foul, pathetic, loathsome creatures to ever wear the uniform.
Bert: Ouch.
Penny: We've all been witness to their cowardice, but even more heinous was the discovery of this device, clearly a means to relay information to our enemy.

Stuart: Say something. Defend us!
Captain Siebert: Your Honors, I'd like to speak on my client's behalf.
General Adams: Go ahead.
Captain Siebert: Thank you. [Penny is twirling her hair] Do we really know what happened in the fog of war?
Penny: We have video.
Captain Siebert: Let me start again. Though clearly guilty, wouldn't we, as a nation of God-fearing men and women... ...best display our values by showing mercy to these miserable, undeserving wretches?
General Adams: No.
Captain Siebert: [to Stuart] Have you got anything?

Stuart: Your Honors, if you'll indulge me, I think I can clear this up.
General Adams: Make it quick.
Stuart: We're not from your universe. These two gentlemen and I are from a version of reality that's even worse than this one. [Penny sighs and places down her folder] There's, uh, mutants and giant moths. You don't even wanna know. And this lovely young woman is from a universe where humanity is controlled by a globe-straddling artificial intelligence.
Denise: Not helping.
Stuart: So, what you're calling desertion, cowardice in the face of the enemy, is actually us trying to bravely restore order across all universes. [the judges are silent] [Penny shakes her head] Yeah, just shoot us. [sits down]
Kripke: Hey, that was gweat. Weawy gweat.

Kripke: Oh, shit.
Denise: How long do we have to stay here?
Bert: Just until we follow ourselves so that they, which is we, run to the centaur world where they become us.
Kripke: I don't understand.
Stuart: No one understands!

Kyle: Ah, ah, what are you doing?
Trevor: It said, "don't sell," not "don't read."
Kyle: First of all, "it" is a he.
Trevor: You don't know that.
Kyle: [sighs] It sounds like a he.
Trevor: You're making a gender-based assumption.
Kyle: When has an omnipotent swirling bowl of shit ever been a girl?
Trevor: There are plenty of all-powerful goddesses. Gaia, Hera, the hot chick in American Gods who sucked guys up into her business.
Kyle: [sighs] Put it back.
Trevor: Narc.

Stuart: Let's see. Uh... City Hall, Wayne Tower, two miles down that way, Arkham Asylum. We're in Gotham City. Home of... Anyone?
Denise: [in gruff voice] Batman. [chuckles]
Stuart: How can I not love you?
Bert: So what? We just find Batman and he'll get us out of here?
Stuart: Denise.
Denise: [still in gruff voice] Batman won't help you. He's just a rich asshole with dead parents.
Kripke: Yeah, that's only funny once.
Denise: [still in gruff voice] Go fuck yourself.

Bert: If we need a superhero, why not just get Superman?
Stuart: So just get Superman? There's no way we can get Superman. He's an A-list character. The Flash, on the other hand, very gettable. He'll open a supermarket.

Kyle: What?
Trevor: I was reading the comic, and they're not on the cover anymore...
Kyle: You idiot. Where are they?
Trevor: Don't panic. They're flying to Central City. It's kind of boring. Denise has diarrhea.

Kripke: Yeah, "comic books are my superpower." Where we going?
Stuart: Uh, give me a minute.
Gary: [meter dings] Meter's running.
Stuart: Maybe you can help us out. We need to find the Flash.
Gary: Oh, sure. He has an office midtown in between an H&R Block and a Quiznos.
Bert: I believe he's screwing with us.
Kripke: Thank you.
Bert: You're welcome.

[As Gary's cab slowly drives off, it is crushed by a giant block of falling ice. Blood spills out from the driver's side window and pools on the road.]
Denise: Oh, my God! Gary!
Bert: He sure does die a lot.

Denise: What's happening?
Stuart: Uh, Mr. Freeze is making an ice lasso. He's gonna-- Oh, wait, no. The Flash shook it apart with superspeed vibrations. Uh, uh, now Mr. Freeze is... He's making an ice locomotive to run over-- Oh, no, it's gone. I guess the Flash did something. I-- I couldn't see. Uh, uh, now Mr. Freeze is making a giant ice wall.
Kripke: Now it's gone. Yeah, we get it.
Bert: Why is Mr. Freeze trying to kill us?
Stuart: It doesn't matter. This is great.
Denise: How?
Stuart: Don't you get it? We're not background characters anymore. When Mr. Freeze showed up, we became the "A" story, which caused the Flash to find us. Oh, no! Oh, Mr. Freeze has frozen the Flash in a block of ice! He's helpless! Wait, no! Something's happening. Oh, it's real fast. Can't really tell what's going on. Wait, wait. Oh. A tornado is hurling Mr. Freeze into space! Holy cow! This is amazing. I wish you guys could see this.

Denise: I don't know why we couldn't just come here in the first place.
Stuart: Sorry, I thought a guy with a secret identity would have an unlisted address.
Bert: If I was a member of the Justice League, I'd live in a gated community.
Stuart: Technically, Golden Age Flash was in the Justice Society, which is the predecessor of the Justice League. [knocking on door]
Kripke: Does he talk comic books in the boudoir?
Denise: Sometimes. Ka-pow! [Stuart and Denise high-five]

Denise: We know about the accident in the lab and the bolt of lightning.
Stuart: Actually, this version of the Flash gained his super speed by inhaling radioactive vapors while taking a smoke break.
Bert: Smoking and running? Really, Jay?
Jay Garrick / The Flash: Well, it was a different time. [hesitates] I mean, I'm not the Flash.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [sighs] Just let 'em in.
Bert: Smell that? I think he still smokes.

Jay Garrick / The Flash: So wait, you're telling me in one of the universes, you had cow stomachs and ate grass?
Kripke: In one, I was a penguin.
Bert: Sorry about that.
Kripke: No, I had it coming.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I made rugelach.
Jay Garrick / The Flash: Thanks, honey.
Amy Farrah Fowler: So, what's this all about?
Jay Garrick / The Flash: They want me to use the Cosmic Treadmill to get back to their universe.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, great. Let them have it so I can park my car in the damn garage.

Jay Garrick / The Flash: They can't operate it without my super speed.
Denise: Oh, can I ask you a personal question about that?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's over before I even know it started.
Jay Garrick / The Flash: Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: She asked.