[Penny raises her hand against Bert]
Bert: I'm mad, I'm mad!

Kripke: Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!
Stuart: Barry, wait!
Kripke: Sorry, fewas!

Trevor: You're such an asshole.
Kyle: You want an asshole? I'll show you an asshole. Elohssa. [waves wand]
Stuart: Kyle!

Denise: What is going on?
Stuart: Wild guess? We've landed in a universe where magic is real.
Denise: Wait, this machine actually worked? We're in another universe?
Stuart: It's, uh... It's crazy, right?
Denise: [gasps] There's magic here?
Stuart: What else explains the, uh, asshole on Trevor's head?

Bert: You know, I feel the same way about Green Arrow.
Stuart: Yeah, we all do but you don't have to kill people.
[Stuart and Bert throw Trevor's dead body into the portal]
Stuart: Bye!

Stuart: He can't be me.
Bert: He looks like you.
Traveler: Senior prom, Emily Manhart, peach schnapps. She was ready to go. You puked in her lap.
Bert: Sounds like you.
Stuart: At least I went to my senior prom.
Bert: I couldn't go. I had mono.

Stuart: Oh, that looks bad.
Bert: Because of all the guns?
Stuart: Yes, because of all the guns.

Denise: Oh, my gosh, Gary.
Stuart: It's terrible. Just terrible. But you know what? You... you're gonna find somebody else. Maybe sooner than you think.
[Bert give Stuart a thumbs up]

Stuart: Where's Denise?
Bert: I don't know.
Stuart: I can't lose her again.
Bert: Don't worry, she's out there, and we'll find her. Everything's back to normal.
[As the camera pans behind them, the three guys all have an electronic device with a green light implanted in the back of their necks]

Bert: Uh-oh, that's not supposed to be there.
Stuart: What just happened?
Kripke: I don't know.
Bert: I have a hypothesis.
Stuart: I'm listening.
Bert: Did you notice the thing on the back of your necks?
Kripke: What? What thing?
Bert: Humor me.

Bert: I'll just get in the car.
Officer McCaffrey: Oh, thank you.
Bert: Yeah.
[As Bert gets in the back of the police car with Kripke still writhing about on the grass outside, Stuart is already in the vehicle and holds two bottles of water:]
Stuart: Sparkling or flat?

Bert: Excuse me, young lady, but that is wildly- [Penny slaps Bert] Ow! Why aren't you being shocked?
Penny: Shielding technology.
Stuart: Oh, great!
Penny: Yeah, it's pretty tight. [slaps Stuart again]
Stuart: [groans, sighs] When are you gonna stop hitting us?
Penny: When you get angry.
Stuart: Huh. [groans as Penny slaps him again]
Penny: Are you angry?
Stuart: No. [Stuart yelps as she slaps him again]
Penny: Are you angry?
Stuart: No. [yells as Penny slaps him again]
Penny: [shouts] Are you angry?
Stuart: Yup!

Bert: You ever wonder where this thing goes?
Stuart: Nope.
Bert: Probably smart.
Traveler: Stuart. We gotta talk.
Stuart: Shit just got weird.

Penn: Thank you! We are Penn and Teller... [audience applauds] And we'll be here until we're dead! [squishes rat]

Stuart: Oh! Oh, this feels so good.
Bert: Go easy. We're sharing that.

Gary: What's going on?
Denise: Don't worry, Gary. I know these guys.
Gary: So, we're not robbing, we're not killing? What are we doing?
Denise: You remember I mentioned Stuart?
Gary: Oh, sure. How's it going? Gary.
Stuart: Hi. So, are you two...?
Denise: You gotta remember, I thought you were dead.
Stuart: Yeah, no, right, right, yeah.

Gary: Well, good luck.
Denise: Yeah, nice to see you.
Stuart: Yeah, you too. Have fun with the... looting and stuff.
Bert: Ciao. [Stuart and Bert walk off]
Gary: They're gonna die.
Denise: Oh, yeah.

Gary: All right, here's how we do this. I'll create a distraction at the main gate. The three of you cut around to the side, where the trucks are going in.
Stuart: Yeah, then what?
Gary: When the trucks stop, you roll under them, grab the undercarriage, and ride on in.
Bert: You, sir, have done this before.
Gary: Well, back in the day, I was Army Special Forces.
Bert: Cool. I was a geologist.
Gary: We ready?

Stuart: Uh... [stammers] Hang on. So... so, roll, run, grab?
Gary: Run, roll, grab.
Stuart: Sorry, more of a visual learner.

[Bert, Stuart and Denise hold their hands up as they're surrounded by armed guards]
Bert: Tell them about the alternate version of you.
Stuart: Shush!