Stuart: I guess she's not a microbiologist in this universe.
Kripke: [thinking] Your observation skills are bweathtaking.
Denise: Barry, really?
Kripke: [out loud] I think 'em wike I see 'em.

Denise: Oh, no. Trevor and Kyle.
Stuart: They died how they lived, reading comics they didn't pay for.
Bert: Rest in peace, fellas.
Kripke: Gweat. We'll send fwowers. Wet's go.

Stuart: All right, here's the plan. Somewhere here are guys who look like us. We find them, we find the machine.
Bert: That's not a plan. That's just restating the premise.

Penny: Captain.
Captain Siebert: Major.
Penny: Are these your traitors?
Captain Siebert: Yes. I mean, they're presumed not to be, but yes.
Kripke: I weawy don't like the way this is going.

General Adams: Captain Siebert, can you explain what we have here?
Captain Siebert: A moment. [Stuart whispers indistinctly to Captain Siebert about the device] No.
Penny: The evidence against these four is irrefutable. The only possible penalty is death. By firing squad.
Captain Siebert: That's how she got the nickname.

Denise: Oh, thank God. We're out.
Bert: Actually, we're deeper in.
Kripke: Deeper into a comic book?
Bert: Pretty cool, huh?
Kripke: No, not pretty cool. How do we proceed now, my wiege?
Stuart: How's this? You walk that way, we'll walk this way, and hopefully never see each other again.
Kripke: Whoa, where is this hostiwity coming from?

Stuart: Wait a second. Wait a second. Cosmic Treadmill.
Kripke: Cosmic-what now?
Denise: Brilliant. The Flash. He has the Cosmic Treadmill.
Kripke: At the wisk of sounding wedundant, cosmic-what now?
Denise: Cosmic Treadmill. It allows the Flash to move between universes.
Kripke: Tweadmill? Like at 24 Hour Fitness?
Stuart: No, but yeah.
Kripke: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Kripke: [sighs] Okay, where do we wocate Mr. Flash?
Stuart: He's in Central City.
Kripke: And where is that?
Stuart: According to DC canon, roughly around Kansas City.
Kripke: Tewwific. And we are in...
Stuart: We're- We're in New Jersey.
Bert: Gotham City isn't New York?
Denise: No, and guess what? Metropolis is in Delaware.
Bert: No way.
Stuart: Way. Amazing World of DC Comics #14. They're twin cities.

Ramona Nowitzki: [over P.A.] All right, folks, I've got good news and bad news. Looks like they cleared up the maintenance issue, but our crew has timed out, so we're gonna have to wait for the backup crew to show up. In the meantime, we're handing out ten-dollar meal vouchers. Pro tip, avoid the airport sushi.
Stuart: You hungry?
Denise: I hate to say it, but now I want sushi.

Kripke: I don't get it. We're in an action-packed comic book. How is sitting for hours in an airport a story?
[A sequence of comic book panels shows the group milling around the departure lounge; Stuart handing Denise a tray of sushi; Denise eating it; her face becoming bloated; and her walking away with her cheeks full, still carrying the tray. Denise then reaches the women's toilets in pain; she searches for a vacant stall; she enters one, with her shoes visible beneath the door. She returns to the group carrying a bottle of Pepto-Bismol, which she consumes as she sits down.]
[Cut to the comic book store, where Trevor holds Stuart Fails to Save the Universe TRAPPED! open to pages showing those same panels.]

Amy Farrah Fowler: [opens door] Can I help you?
Stuart: Amy?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes?
Stuart: Is this the Garrick residence?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes.
Stuart: Uh, I'm... I'm confused. Jay Garrick's girlfriend is Joan.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [scoffs] Joan. Joan took her Subaru and headed to Portland, if you know what I mean.

Jay Garrick / The Flash: All right. If I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna need to change.
[Jay gets up and walks over to some recessed shelves. He grabs a light fitting on the wall and pushes it upwards. The shelves part to reveal a closet containing his The Flash costume]
Jay Garrick / The Flash: Amy, where's my helmet?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [o.s.] In the secret closet.
Jay Garrick / The Flash: No, it's not.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you even looking?
Jay Garrick / The Flash: Yes, I'm looking. I see your rollerblades. What are your rollerblades doing in my secret closet?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't know. What's your cosmic treadmill doing in the garage?

Denise: How can we be nowhere?
Kyle: [sighs] Well... there's this thing. I don't know quite how to explain it other than as a, uh, swirling ball of omnipotent cosmic shit, and it really doesn't like you.
Bert: But it doesn't know me.
Kyle: It does. It does. It knows everything. It... It trapped you in the comic book. And when you got out, it moved the whole store to where we are now, which is where we aren't because it isn't.

Kripke: Evewything we've been through... is in these comic books. Here's "Cow Stomachs." Here's "Paradise World." We're kind of the assholes in that one. Here's one where Gawwy dies. Here's one where Gawwy dies. Here's another one where Gawwy dies.
Denise: [sighs] Gary.
Kripke: Mm.

Kripke: What are you doing?
Bert: Eating a dumpling.
Kripke: No, you're eating the skin.
Bert: I don't like the insides.
Kripke: The insides are what makes them dumpwings.
Bert: Would you like my insides?
Kripke: Okay. [studio audience laughing]

Bert: Maybe we have a chance to fix the world.
Stuart: I don't know, I think it's important to ask the question. Is this reality that bad?
[A zombie hand groans and reaches towards Bert, who crushes it with his foot]
Bert: I think there's room for improvement.

Bert: What are you doing?
Stuart: What's it look like? I'm trying to get us to Caltech.
Bert: With a Thomas Guide?
Stuart: I would've used the GPS on my iPhone, but civilization seemed to have collapsed.

Denise: Anyway, we, um, you know, comforted each other.
Gary: The lady has skills, am I right?
Stuart: Well... To be honest, I mostly focused on my own performance.

Bert: This is The Evil One? [chuckles] Barry Kripke?
Raj Koothrappali: He's sorry. Please. He doesn't know. Show him mercy.
Kripke: Mercy? I am nothing if not merciful. Twoubadours sing of my mercy!
Stuart: You mind if we stand up?
Soldier #1: No one stands before Ward Kripke.
Kripke: Okay, wast time, it's "Word," not "Ward." Uh, go ahead, stand, doesn't matter.

Denise: So, what were you in the before times?
Soldier #2: No talking.
Denise: Come on, I'm gonna die anyway.
Soldier #2: I had a podcast. Vitamins, gut health.
Denise: Nice.
Soldier #2: I had Gwyneth Paltrow on.
Denise: Oh, my God, I think I heard that. No, how a good gut biome prevents dementia.
Soldier #2: Yes!