Bert: [thinking] Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Boy, that was a good movie.
Kripke: [thinking] Ah! The pool scene where she takes her top off.
Denise: [thinking] So hot. [out loud; off Stuart's look] Sexuality exists on a continuum.

Kripke: [thinking] True. Wob Wowe's on my continuum. [out loud] No, he's not. I do not want to kiss Wob Wowe. [thinking] On his pouty wips.

Denise: [thinking] Look at my man taking charge.
Stuart: [thinking] Look at Denise looking at me taking charge.

Kripke: [thinking] You smell just like my mother. [sniffs]
Ramona Nowitzki: I'm sorry?
Kripke: [still thinking] You heard me.
Stuart: Please stop thinking.

General Adams: At 0800, this court martial is called to order. Major, would you please read the charges?
Penny: With pleasure. [clears throat] The defendants are charged with cowardice in the face of the enemy, desertion, espionage, murder, and mutiny.
Kripke: Espionage? When did we do espionage? [Stuart shushes him]
General Adams: These are serious charges. How does the defense plead?
Captain Siebert: A moment, Your Honor. I'm thinking guilty. Just rip the Band-Aid off.
Stuart: [to the panel] Uh, we're not guilty.

Bert: How about this? If we can find a deck of cards, I can distract them with some close-up magic.

Penny: Wha...? What? What is happening?
Bert: We're in a universe where everyone's a centaur. [Penny yelps as her back half knocks over a rack] I call it the centaur universe.

The Adversary: Their forward progress has been stopped. Your only task is to keep them here.
Kyle: Uh, question?
The Adversary: Yes, Kyle?
Kyle: Um, what if somebody wants to buy that comic book?
The Adversary: Don't sell it to them.
Trevor: What do we say?
The Adversary: You tell them it's not for sale.
Trevor: Good. That's good.
Kyle: We got your back.
Trevor: Or whatever you have.
Kyle: Your circumference.

Bert: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: Bert.
Bert: Got anything new?
Stuart: Funny every time.

Bert: I think I'm ready to pull the trigger on Batman 608.
Stuart: Excellent choice. What's the trade?
Bert: What would you say to a can of Lima beans?
Stuart: Oh, geez, Bert, come on! This is near mint. I could probably get a couple Dinty Moore Beef Stews for this.
Bert: Plus... cream corn.
Stuart: Meh.
Bert: Okay. I was saving it for my birthday, but I guess I'll throw it in. Fancy Feast.
Stuart: What flavor?
Bert: Salmon.
Stuart: Sold.

Trevor: Um, are you crazy? [scoffs] Hawkeye doesn't deserve to be an Avenger. Yeah...
Kyle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You do not want to go there.
Trevor: You got a guy with a bow and arrow, and he's supposed to be on the same team as a guy with an arc reactor iron suit and the literal God of Thunder? [laughs] What sense does that even make?
Kyle: I don't know, I mean... [grunts] does this make sense?
[Kyle pulls out an arrow from his quiver and repeatedly stabs Trevor in the neck. Trevor screams and falls to the floor.]
Stuart: I just mopped! We talked about this, Kyle! That's strike three!
Kyle: I'm sorry, okay? Uh, but you heard him. [Stuart points to the door] Sorry. He started it.

Bert: Do you have an identical twin brother?
Stuart: No.
Bert: Okay, I have two questions.
Stuart: Just two?
Traveler: I've only got a few seconds to explain this, so you gotta focus.
Stuart: Who are you?
Bert: First question.
Traveler: I'm you from another stream of reality.
Bert: Well, that answers that. Second question...
Traveler: Listen to me. This apocalyptic nightmare that you are living in, it can be avoided, it never has to happen.
Bert: Okay, now I have, like, six questions.

Traveler: Please, I don't have a lot of time. Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz. Remember them?
Stuart: Yeah, real nerds.
Bert: Pot-kettle.
Traveler: Sure.
Stuart: Fair enough.

Traveler: The point is, it altered reality. None of this is supposed to be.
Stuart: And by none of this, you mean...?
Traveler: None of it! The violence, the devastation, the dimensional rifts!
Bert: Dimensional rifts!
Stuart: Now we know.
Traveler: None of this is normal. [a giant moth hits the window of the comic book store] Certainly not that!
Bert: The big moth?
Traveler: [scoffs] Yes! Yes! The big moth!
Stuart: If you turn the lights off, they don't bother you.

Bert: [to a rabid dog that just attacked a person] Nice catch, Steve!
Stuart: How is it out there?
Bert: It's a little nippy. Wear layers.

Penn: Juggling two... [yelps] Juggling two starving feral creatures, as, uh, you can see, is not difficult, but... [rats squeal; Penn groans] Juggling three is... [grunts] profoundly stupid. Ow!
Bert: I saw them in Vegas. Such a fun night.
Stuart: Oh. You know who I loved in Vegas and I didn't think I would?
Bert: Huh?
Stuart: Celine Dion.
Bert: Mm.

Stuart: Denise, what are you doing?
Denise: Trying to keep you alive.
Gary: I don't care about your life. I'm just hoping to get laid tonight.
Denise: Gary.
Gary: Oh, uh...
Bert: Very kind. Thank you.

Raj Koothrappali: Can you keep it down?
Stuart: Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe. Possibly. Who wants to know?
Stuart: Raj, it's me, Stuart, from the comic book store.
Raj Koothrappali: Stuart?
Stuart: Yes, and... and Bert Kibbler. You know Bert?
Raj Koothrappali: Bert?
Stuart: And Denise. Remember Denise?
Raj Koothrappali: [chuckles deliriously] This isn't real. [stammers] This is... this is a hallucination!
Stuart: No. No, no, no. We're here. It's real.
Bert: That's kind of what a hallucination would say. [Stuart looks at Bert to suggest "Why would you say that?"]

Raj Koothrappali: Anyway, I... I... I've had time to... to... to figure it all out, and there's definitely something wrong with this reality. See? I... I prove it here and here, and the numbers, they don't lie.
Denise: So, you were telling the truth?
Stuart: You didn't believe me?
Denise: That an alternate version of you told you how to save the universe? No, not for a minute. [scoffs]

Raj Koothrappali: Pay attention! Leonard, Sheldon, and Howard. They built a vari-state quantum interference device.
Bert: That would have been my guess.
Raj Koothrappali: It malfunctioned, and it changed everything, right? The universe, uh, history... [whispers] ...reality.
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, great. How... How do we fix it?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, that's a toughie. Why you ask? [pants] Wait, did you ask? I assume you ask. It's a toughie because we're all prisoners of the Evil One. And the Evil One likes everything to stay just... [whispers] ...as it is.
Denise: Who's the Evil One?
Raj Koothrappali: [groans] I can't say his name! If I say his name, bad things happen.
Stuart: [sighs] Sorry, is it Voldemort?
Raj Koothrappali: I wish it was Voldemort. That's a guy you can reason with.