General Adams: Captain Siebert, can you explain what we have here?
Captain Siebert: A moment. [Stuart whispers indistinctly to Captain Siebert about the device] No.
Penny: The evidence against these four is irrefutable. The only possible penalty is death. By firing squad.
Captain Siebert: That's how she got the nickname.

Bert: Maybe we have a chance to fix the world.
Stuart: I don't know, I think it's important to ask the question. Is this reality that bad?
[A zombie hand groans and reaches towards Bert, who crushes it with his foot]
Bert: I think there's room for improvement.

Bert: What are you doing?
Stuart: What's it look like? I'm trying to get us to Caltech.
Bert: With a Thomas Guide?
Stuart: I would've used the GPS on my iPhone, but civilization seemed to have collapsed.

Denise: Anyway, we, um, you know, comforted each other.
Gary: The lady has skills, am I right?
Stuart: Well... To be honest, I mostly focused on my own performance.

Bert: This is The Evil One? [chuckles] Barry Kripke?
Raj Koothrappali: He's sorry. Please. He doesn't know. Show him mercy.
Kripke: Mercy? I am nothing if not merciful. Twoubadours sing of my mercy!
Stuart: You mind if we stand up?
Soldier #1: No one stands before Ward Kripke.
Kripke: Okay, wast time, it's "Word," not "Ward." Uh, go ahead, stand, doesn't matter.

Denise: So, what were you in the before times?
Soldier #2: No talking.
Denise: Come on, I'm gonna die anyway.
Soldier #2: I had a podcast. Vitamins, gut health.
Denise: Nice.
Soldier #2: I had Gwyneth Paltrow on.
Denise: Oh, my God, I think I heard that. No, how a good gut biome prevents dementia.
Soldier #2: Yes!

Raj Koothrappali: Thank God for geology!
Bert: I do every day.

Bert: Can you tell us their numbers?
Ramona Nowitzki: Sure can't. [chuckles]
Kripke: [breathes sharply] We are in the middle of a cwisis and we weawy need to talk to them.
Ramona Nowitzki: [whispers] Sir, I would ask you not to raise your voice.
Kripke: I'm not waising my voice. [raises voice] I'm just trying to say--
[Kripke groans and drops to floor as he's zapped again]
Bert: Sorry. We're new to this whole button-in-the neck thing.
Kripke: Ow!

Stuart: Penny?
[Penny stands in front of Stuart and slaps him across the face]
Stuart: Ah! Ah. What the heck?
Penny: That make you mad?
Stuart: No, why would you even- [Stuart groans as Penny slaps him again]
Bert: What are you doing?
Penny: Deprogramming. [Stuart yelps and groans as he's hit a third time]
Kripke: Okay, that is weawy uncalled for.
[Penny walks over and slaps Kripke.]
Penny: What about this? Was this called for? [she stamps on his foot]
Kripke: [grunts] Damn!

Denise: Just so I'm clear, you told you to use that machine to get back to your universe.
Stuart: Uh, no, not my universe. His universe, which was supposed to be my universe.
Denise: And he was you?
Stuart: Almost. He was the me I was supposed to have been.
Denise: But if you were supposed to have been him, then how could he have existed to tell you that?
Stuart: Fair question. More importantly, you and I are back together.
Denise: What do you mean, "back together"? We were never together.
Stuart: Okay! Yep. I see what your problem is. You're confusing the you and I that you remember with the you and I that I remember. Easy mistake.
Denise: This is insane.
Stuart: [chuckles] Yes, it is. [hesitantly leans in for a hug and gives up] A wonderful story to tell our grandchildren.

Stuart: Where have you been?
Kripke: [with rhotacism] Wooking everywhere for you.
Stuart: Have you seen Bert?
Kripke: I have not. I have not seen Bert, no.
Stuart: Should we be worried?
Kripke: Were you worried about me?
Stuart: Not really, no.
Kripke: Well, there you go.

Alexa: Okay. Here are some wizards near you.
[As Kripke scrolls through the list that's projected, Stuart makes small talk]
Stuart: How's it going?
Alexa: Can't complain.
Kripke: Stuart, here's a name I wecognize. Bernadette Wostenkowski, master sowcewess.
Stuart: Really? Bernadette?
Kripke: Yeah, four-and-a-half stars.
Alexa: Well, you guys want this broad's address or what?
Kripke: Uh... Uh... Walking, not dwiving?

Denise: [scoffs] Oh, my God. Gary. Hi, Gary! [chuckles] Hey, Gary.
Gary: Have we met?
Denise: Gary, we were in a terrible marriage for six years. But we never fought, not once. 'Cause we had shock collars. They really hurt. You'd be getting all mad, and you'd be like... [grunts violently, coughs] You used to part your hair on the other side. I think I liked it better. [readjusts Gary's hair] Oh.

Kripke: So, how was the woony bin?
Denise: It's not a loony bin, Barry. It's a hospital.
Kripke: Yeah, fow woonies. [laughs]
Denise: Barry...
Kripke: I'm kidding. I'm a kidder. Just ask my husband.
Gary: Is this guy giving you the business?
Stuart: Gary?
Gary: Hey, Stuart.
Stuart: I... gotta go lay down.

Stuart: Ah! I'm bald.
Denise: What'd you do? Where are we?
Stuart: Uh... It looks like The Matrix to me.
Bert: Uh, technically, we're out of the Matrix.
Denise: So, what, the house, the kids, the cable TV, none of that was real?
Kripke: Oh, man. I wiked it there. I mean, I was homosexual, but my husband was a weal wooker.

Stuart: You guys ready? There's no way to know where we're gonna land.
Kripke: Anywhere, as wong as I'm stwaight.
Denise: That is so inappropriate.
Kripke: [groans] I know, I know. It's not a choice.

Denise: So, we're really stuck here?
Stuart: Well, hang on. Someone's been sending me messages. Maybe they'll tell us how to fix the machine.
Denise: But there's no technology here. How do you send a message?
Stuart: Primitive cultures had lots of ways to communicate. Drums, smoke signals... a third thing.

Bert: Well, we do things differently where I come from.
Chana: Pasadena?
Bert: Yeah. When a man and a woman love each other, they're monogamous.
Chana: What is "monogamous"?
Bert: They only have sex with one another.
Chana: And everyone in Pasadena does this?
Bert: Well, I can't speak for everyone, but a lot of them. Definitely more than in Beverly Hills.

Denise: That was really great.
Stuart: Yeah. In the middle there, did... did you moo?
Denise: I did. You made me moo.
Stuart: I think it's the vegetarian diet. I'm more peppy.
Denise: You sure are. I worked up an appetite.
Stuart: You want some hay? I've got some hay.

Raj Koothrappali: Don't you get it? The universe is ending, and there's nothing we can do about it.
Stuart: Nothing?
Raj Koothrappali: Not a damn thing.
Stuart: Okay. Well... good to see you.
Raj Koothrappali: Good to see you. [they fist bump] [Raj chuckles]
Denise: Good luck with all this.
Raj Koothrappali: Thanks.
Denise: Okay.
[Raj steps up back on his soapbox]
Raj Koothrappali: We're all going to die!